My Sweet M

Its been 4 weeks today.

The worst moments are the ones when all is quiet, you're washing dishes, and you stare out the window and think, "he can not really be gone."

So many of you have been part of our journey with M. He came to us almost 2 years ago when I was 6 months pregnant with Brooks. I remember where I was sitting when the call came in, I remember texting my best friend and jokingly saying, "its another boy!". Call this crazy, but I actually took a screen shot of the county calling that day because for some reason I knew inside that this was the call we had been waiting for since we hopped on this roller coaster. I KNEW it, you guys. 

I remember the placement guy not being able to pronounce his name and me asking when I could go see him in the NICU. I remember wearing a big shirt to hide the fact that I was crazy enough to do this as I entered my 3rd trimester. But most of all I remember walking down that dark aisle behind the NICU nurse with all the machines and lit up bassinets and struggling babies and looking into his crib for the first time. 

I cried when the caseworker was finally able to bring him home. HOME. I still don't get it.

We went through a lot. He fell sick. Which turned into hospital stays and near death illnesses and me being away from home. It also turned into me being completely, desperately, and unconditionally in love with this boy.

We got a fast track education in caring for a medically fragile child. He got better, then sick, then better again and so on. He was eventually diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy, he had a feeding tube put in, and we started several appointments and therapies weekly. They said he'd never walk unassisted and would always struggle physically and would always be behind. And I didn't care as long as I could be there to face it with him. He grew, and I grew, and Brooks grew inside me...

Over a year passed and he became more and more ours. It was clear and I felt the Lord confirm time and time again that he was our son. The county said he would stay and that his needs were too high to move him. We kept moving and believing and my sweet Malakhi made strides and leaps that we never expected. Brooks was born and they grew together. Once Brooks crawled, M did. When Brooks walked, M watched. And on Christmas Eve he took off across our living room floor with his brother. A little miracle inside our home. Something I will never ever forget...

Crying.

Things got ugly in the new year. Right after that a distant relative was identified by one of the bio parents and things started to take a turn. We fought it day and night. The county said they would be recommending he stay here, his doctors and specialists were called to testify in court, and we prepared to win this battle for our son. There were attorneys, emails, county workers, and phone calls day and night. But on April 28th, against medical recommendation and children services asking he remain with us, the judge granted the relative custody. 

I can't even tell you.

For the next month of extended visits with this distant family member I begged for this not to happen. Please don't take our son. Please don't allow him to be taken from our family. Please let him and his "twin" be brothers forever.

But on May 22nd I stood in the driveway and sobbed as they literally had to peel his little fingers from the grip he had on our shirts. That moment in time will be something I will always remember. I'll remember the weather, the look on his face, the feeling of desperation. I will remember thinking that this was some kind of hell on earth. A deep, dark, pain in the core of my being that I have never felt before in my life.

We limped through the following weeks. I had a hard time doing the day to day and there were times friends had to literally force me from my bed and out of the house.

But we are still standing. Although now I look back and see that He carried us as He for some reason forced us to face this road. He allowed it but He didn't leave us. 

It's been almost a month. It feels like its been so much longer. I suppose the days drag on and the weeks seem longer when your heart is hurting. We have had some contact with the relative, only them asking us to provide things for them which kills me because I know he is not getting what he had here. I know in my core that this child was taken from his mother, the only mother he has ever known. And as his mother, the only thing I want to do is take the pain he's feeling away from him. But I can't. 

I can't.

That is new for me, friends. I am a fixer and I can't fix this for any of us. Not for me, not for Eric, not for the kids. Brooks would stand at his crib and highchair so we had to take them down. We have had to just put one foot in front of the other, because in a lot of ways, this has felt like a death.

But you know what? I still obvioulsy love that boy with a divine love. I would take all the pain all over again if it meant I could walk up the stairs right now and lean over his crib and put my nose against his little cheeks just one more time. I'd do it again in a second because I have never known a love like I had for Malakhi. That boy is still my boy and I will never say differently. 

He taught me so much. He pushed me out of my comfort zone and forced me to be a voice. He taught me about fearless love and about excruciating loss. He taught me that you can do WAY more than you think you are capable of.

This journey with M taught me to be fearless in the pursuit of what you're passionate about. Keep going, keep your eyes up, stay focused, and keep on truckin'.

We have a lot to be thankful for. We have been blessed beyond what I could have ever asked for, and for that reason I have to trust His plan. His perfect, unpredictable, baffling, loving, grace filled, and sometimes painful plan.

We are healing. We have our moments. I have times when my mommy heart just loses it. But I hear that will get better with time.

Do I have an answer to why this stuff happens? I wish. Do I understand why this kind of loss is allowed or how we make peace with it? I don't. Will we do it again? We aren't even thinking about that right now. For now I think I will just love those in front of me and forever wait on him to come home. Our bio babes need their mama just as much as M did.

For those of you in the fire - whether it is foster care, or adoption, or a tough bio child, or whatever it may be. Keep going. Don't let one word or conversation go unsaid. Don't let one action go undone. Fight for what you know to be true in your heart so at the end of the day when you lay your head down at night you can say you did everything you could. Fight. Let Him fight for you. Go to battle. Don't give up.

I can't thank you enough for the love, messages, texts, and sweet encouragement through this journey.  I know I haven't updated a ton, our Facebook page has kind of turned into my mini blog :). Just know that you all carried me many times!

He was worth it. Still is worth it. And still has a mama waiting for him.

Worth It

I had planned on posting an update after court on Wednesday, especially after some of your sweet encouragement on Facebook... which by the way, can we all just move to one neighborhood and live life together, drink coffee, laugh the cares away, and live happily ever after?

No? It was worth a try. (But I still think we should.)

But I was so tired and emotionally drained that it was just better for everyone involved for me to take my tired self off the internet and to my bed. I guess it went exactly like I thought and nothing like I had planned. It was an annual review for M and Z, we were told that the recommendation was for them to remain where they were, here. But what we got was the complete opposite and they granted custody of just her to a random relative who has only seen her maybe 5 times.

She was moved on Thursday. They take them as quickly as they drop them off.

Her eyes. She looks just like M.

This distant relative has decided to come forward a year and a half into our case. I'm trying to make peace with it, I know this is foster care, I have loved on the bio parents like crazy, we've seen it all. But it can often feel unfair and like there is no justice for these kids.

This is foster care. This is the system. The county knows and has said this isn't what's best but they do it anyway. This is why we need more of Him right in the middle of it all. Broken, hard, and draining. But all that really matters? The children. They are the victims. They need us. They need you.

Sometimes you just have to remember that defeat can lead to victory. It doesn't feel that way at the time, but He always restores. We only see the very small picture, He sees the big picture with all the details that have to come together to get you exactly where you need to be. We often feel blindsided by things like this, but the Lord never wastes a moment of what He has ordained. He works all things together for the good of those that love Him.

We are obviously sad. The last few days have not been my best. She was very loved here and it feels like they have taken a piece of M - which I think has made it hurt more than I imagined it would. Being his full sibling, this makes my mind worry over possibility of him leaving. He is remaining with us "for now" (and we believe always will) due to his medical needs, and just because we fully believe that He placed him here almost 18 months ago for forever. Plain and simple. No questions. Just trusting.

Foster care continues to teach us about loving regardless of the outcome, and giving away my heart even though we always know that the end could sting. It is a constant reminder to me that Jesus didn't say to love only when it's easy or when you won't get your heart broken, He just told us to love.

Do I hate this part? Yes. Would we and will we do it all over again? In a second.

Painful, but she was worth it. They all are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for hanging around for my ramblings. I so appreciate the support and encouragement that you've shown us!

A 7 Month Miracle

Putting my heart out there and sharing about our foster journey. It's hard to talk about how much we love when we know the reality of how much we can lose. Faith over fear, friends. It's our new motto :).

Little M turned 7 months yesterday. Can't believe how fast the time goes.

Feels like just a short time ago I went to the NICU to get him. We have lots of appointments for him at our Childrens Hospital, and every time I walk through the doors all the memories of the nights in the hospital with him come rushing back. Still can't believe my pregnant body slept on that little couch for 2 weeks. God sure gets you through the tough times, doesn't He?

He is so, so insanely sweet. I wish so badly I could share him with you completely.

We have struggled off and on through the last 7 months wondering what was going on with M. He was always sick, and his immune system couldn't fight anything off. His breathing was crazy (talk about making a mama nervous), and his eating was poor. The Dr's finally realized when he was about 2 months old that he was aspirating everything into his lungs because he wasn't swallowing correctly, and he had a feeding tube put in.

I remember crying that night next to his crib when they put it in. I hated that he needed it but I knew that it was our last option before things took a really bad turn. I was already so in love with him and he had only been with us for a month. I knew that night that he was the child we had prayed for when we started this journey. And no matter how it all turns out, he will always be the one God prepared us for. He will always be part of us. God knew we needed him just as much as he needed us. We are forever changed because of this little boy.

He's been slowly growing ever since. And can I just tell you that he is the happiest little guy? So smiley and sweet. He is always giggling at the kids and stays pretty content. We were told last week that all his struggles point to one diagnosis, Cerebral Palsy. We kind of saw this coming, but still felt blindsided by how it felt when they confirmed it.

That moment was hard on my heart.

But you know what? No diagnosis will ever trump the fact that God saved his life in the very beginning. No diagnosis will ever be bigger than the story of how God picked him up out of a dark place and put him where he needed to be. He will never be "a kid with issues", he will always be our little miracle.

He has biological famliy that loves him but can absolutely not care for him or provide services as this journey for him unfolds. So we are asking everyone to literally beg for this boys life. Pray for his safety and his health, pray for the biological parents and their health, and pray for us as we continue to try and love them all like Jesus wants us to.

Our hearts are completely attached. I feel that he belongs here, but I know the system often makes crazy decisions. I am asking the Lord to let me be the one to send him off on his first day of Kindergarten. The one with him in his therapy appointments. And the one to hold his hand through it all. I just want to watch him thrive, and I believe that he will!

So thats where we are. We have appointments today and will have lots to come, many weekly. But we're ready for it. God called us here and I know He will walk with us through it.

Thanks for hanging around, thanks for listening, thanks for praying :).

Always Their Mama

They've been gone almost 7 months. That doesn't seem possible. So much has changed in that short time.

But the thing that never changes is how much you love them. You think that time heals it but it doesn't, it just dulls it. God gives you peace and new mercies. That is all grace amidst the calling to foster care.

As a lot of you know from Facebook (which has become my mini blog), we got a call from our old caseworker asking us to pick up C&A this past weekend. It all happened kind of quickly, so I didn't have a ton of time to process or think about it. But can I just tell you that when the door opened and they came around the corner it nearly took my breath away. There they stood in the same coats and shoes I bought them a year and a half ago. There they were. My girls.

Although they aren't really mine, they just feel like mine. At the moment, they are still hers. Everything came flooding back when I saw them. The good times, the bad times, even seeing their little faces staring in my door the night they came to us.

My heart grieves the fact that they are back in a bad spot. I absolutely hate it. It keeps me up at night. (Well that, and you know, Brooks.)

I have gone over the whole situation in my head a million times. I have sat on the phone in tears with sisters who have walked through it with me. But at the end of the day, the reality is that we are dealing with broken families, and broken stories, in a broken world. We all need Jesus so badly.

People always say, "I don't know how you give them back", and the truth is, I don't know how we do either. It is divine intervention that gets you through giving back kids that you love. There will always be a spot reserved in my heart for them. I will always come for them if called. They will always have a home waiting here if needed. And there is a part of me that will always feel like their mother.

It's hard, friends. But goodness, somehow it is all so worth it.

He didn't call us here with a promise of keeping any child. He called us here with a promise that it was going to change our lives. And it has.

We are praying for them, praying for the struggling parents, and asking the Lord to keep them safe while the county works things out. I am worried about them, but I have to trust that He's got this. I don't know how often we will have them while things are in limbo, but I think they will be back soon :).

A tad tired, but thankful for this life changing journey.

Back soon, friends!

Rounding The (Delivery) Corner... And Other Happenings...

We are SO close to our new little man! Oh my word, just think of how great his sweet little self is going to smell. Thinking of that just gave me a nice solid contraction.

No it didn't.

We are waiting things out over here. 4 days till my due date. My Dr has given us the green light to try for a vbac, and so that is what we are doing. Just for the record, in case anyone is curious, I've only had one natural delivery (with Ella), and then 3 consecutive c-sections because of carrying multiples.

And I mean "natural" in that it wasn't a csection, not in a non-medicated kind of way. I'm an Epidural kind of gal.

I know a vbac after 3 csections isn't real popular, but our Dr feels good about it thus far and so do we.  If anything starts to concern us or we get to my due date with no sign of labor, then we will do a repeat csection. That is the deal my Dr made with us. I was induced with Ella, so I've never been able to actually go into labor on my own. And honestly? I'd just love to have that experience. But if I don't, that is TOTALLY fine :). I just want the babe and I to be safe and sound post delivery.

But you know, pray that I can go into labor on my own in the next few days, ok?? Pray for some painful contractions to set in. But not too painful - remember, I like the meds that numb all the things.

I know some of you may have seen this pic on Facebook, but I want to save it here as well so I remember these days :). And I know, it's such a professional maternity picture, isn't it?? I'm trying to cherish these last days of pregnancy. It is the plan for this to be our last biological child - I know, I know, I've said that before. But we really mean it this time. I think.

I popped my worn out jeans on this morning, and strapped my belly band on with my favorite maternity shirt...well, it's not really that it's my favorite one as much as it's the only one that still fits. I had to smile at this baby bump that God has grown. It's a shape only He can give. It's truly like I'm carrying around His grace in my belly. I don't deserve it, yet He still gives in abundance.

God has been so gracious and patient with me this year as I've tried to figure out what the heck He was doing in our growing family. He gives us what He KNOWS we need, not what we THINK we need. And then He equips us for the journey. I've learned this past year that that is one of our greatest blessings. He is faithful through it all, even in the confusing times.

Grace upon grace upon grace.

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We are still loving on our little foster babe too, Baby M. Yes, on Facebook I often called him Baby K, but that was just a nickname. He will be M from now on.

I know I keep a tad quiet about him, it's not intentional, I would love to share more but sometimes I don't even know where to start. His case in general is kind of messy. He has some special needs - a feeding tube and some other concerns. We feel however that he will completely come out of all that with time and with some great doctors...and of course a lot of love from us :).

And also? It's just hard to put my heart out there sometimes because I know the possible outcome of this situation all too well. This is foster care, after all. He completely has my heart just like the rest of my kiddos, and we are very attached to say the least. Right now we are trusting that the Lord will keep him safe right where he is. And also learning that He is faithful no matter what the outcome, He will and is preparing us for the story He has written for M. It is a gift to get to love him.

He is pretty sweet, isn't he?

He's also a tad spoiled. I had nothing to do with that. Or maybe I had everything to do with it :).

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So that's the round up. It's a busy season!

I am so, so ready to meet our new little man. I feel like I stay up half the night thinking of that moment when I get to finally hold him. Oh my, I can't wait! I just want that babe safe and sound in my arms.

I will update as soon as he arrives. It will probably hit Facebook first, and then the blog. I'll be sure to get a good picture of his fresh little chubby cheeks to share with you :).

Be back SOON!

Crazy Beautiful

Well, time flies when things get reeeaaallly busy!

As some of you might have seen on Facebook, we have grown...and obviously, we are about to grow again. A few days after my last post we took in a little boy. We got a call about this sweet baby who was in our local NICU, and things have not been the same since.

That night I drove my pregnant self down there and scooped up this teeny, sweet, little babe. And oh my heart...

Look at those feet! He's been with us for almost 2 months now. And as you can imagine, he's getting a lot of love over here :).

He's such a sweetie. Innocent, and super snuggly. You should come to the store with me and see the confusion that he and my very pregnant belly causes. It's priceless. I've had some interesting conversations.

There is a lot going on. There are things that we didn't expect at all, which is why I've been off the radar for a while. We have been in and out of the hospital a ton - learning about all kinds of medical stuff, and how to care for him. Life has been and still is somewhat of a whirlwind while we figure things out. It's been a whole new world to us, but it's been worth it. So, so worth it. 

I feel that the Lord has drawn us SO close to Himself these last 2 months, and that has been one of the sweetest parts of this whole season.

It doesn't make a lot of sense, and it is a season I never imagined we'd be in, but it is beautiful. Crazy, unexpected, hard, but beautiful. He has been faithful through every step. I'm so thankful that He is letting us love him, he is such a little gift to our growing family. 

So at the moment, I am full of new life, and I am full of emotions over this little boy. Taking it all one day at a time, because thats all the Lord asks us to do.

Thankful for the journey. Grateful for His grace. And looking forward to what He has planned.

We are all doing great, and the kiddos are vibrant as usual. I did some family pictures last week, all that is missing from this pic is the new babe. I like to call this our "waiting on you" picture :)...

Only 7-8 more weeks till delivery, how is that even possible?! I can't wait to have us all together, I want this new baby in my arms safe and sound. And look, I straightened Kinley's hair, isn't it SO long??? She loves it like that, says she feels like Rapunzel. 

So thats all for now, just wanted to pop in and give an update now that things have "slowed" down a tad. Thanks for hanging around our craziness, friends :).

A New Morning

I had planned on posting yesterday after the girls left, especially after some of your sweet encouragement on Facebook... which by the way, can we all just move to one neighborhood and live life together, drink coffee, laugh the cares away, and live happily ever after?

No? It was worth a try.

But I was so tired and emotionally drained that it was just better for everyone involved for me to take my tired self to bed. I guess it went exactly like I thought and nothing like I had planned. The CW took them as quickly as she brought them back in December, like we had not grown into a family or something.

And it was C's birthday, so there was also that.

Can I just spill my heart for a second? Honestly, I think it has been so difficult on me because I had to fight to be their mom. I was the role in their life that they didn't trust because of their past, and it forced me to put sweat and tears into building a bond. I have never had to fight for the love of a child, and if you want the truth, I hated it in the beginning. But that part about this journey has ended up being my greatest gift, it grew me in ways I didn't know I needed as a mother.

Love is hard sometimes, but it never comes back void. Even when you lose.

They taught me about loving regardless of the outcome, and giving away my heart even though I always knew in the end it was going to sting. They were a constant reminder to me that Jesus didn't say to love only when it's easy or when you won't get your heart broken, He just told us to love.

Love is always worth it. And I would do it again in a second.

I loved that snow day with the girls. It was the first time they had been sledding. We had only had them a couple weeks.

Our whole family said goodbye yesterday, not just me. People always wonder how that is on kids, or how they are dealing. And I can tell you that ours are doing great. They knew we were waiting for C & A's bio mom to get healthy, and even though they were sad, they showed excitement for them about being able to see her again. I was proud of them. I'm sure there were times that this year was hard on them - they had to share their things, make room for kids their own age, and watch Eric and I struggle through some hard times with the girls. But they also learned about relentless love and a never failing hope.

And I know God will use that in their lives. Like I said, we would do it again in a second.

And we may. Our hearts are still deeply in the system. We plan on still being involved, we are just going to wait for God to show us how. I think my heart is going to take a little hiatus from taking in older kids, mainly because my heart is still with the older ones who just left and I know we could get a call about them at any point.

But we'll see. Our line is open, and so are our hearts :).

Thank you, thank you, thank you for hanging around for my ramblings. I so appreciate the support and encouragement that you've shown us!

A Little Season Of Change

Again, where is the time going in between posts?? I'm waiting on that energy rush of the 2nd trimester, although I'm not seeing any signs of it :). I'm about 15 weeks and feeling better, just sooooo tired, friends.

But anyway.

C and A are officially leaving. There has been a unexpected turn of events in their case and they will be going back to their mother here in a couple weeks. I could drop a 1000 details that would make you want to ask children's services a 1000 questions, but believe me, I've asked all those questions. Twice.

I don't believe that this is the best possible scenario. And to sum it up for you easily I will just say this; I'm a little worried. But I'm also at peace with what God is doing here. It's a strange combo of feelings. The truth be told, we have never felt like God completely gave them to us, even though we loved them like our own. We never felt total confirmation that we would get to be their forever family, and I truly knew deep in my mamas heart that she would be their mom, not me.

We visited their mom last night in the hospital after she delivered another sibling. I spent so much time judging and feeling shocked over that pregnancy. But when the girls climbed up in that bed and I saw a shell of a family that has a long road ahead, the tears just started coming. She is their mother, she's the one that God chose for them, and she is under the same umbrella of grace that I am. She, like all of us, needs second chances. Even when it doesn't seem to make sense. I am pulled to love her because I love those girls.

Sometimes foster care is about adoption, but for the most part, it is about helping rebuild families who are limping through life. And that is something that you will never regret being a part of. I always said that I wanted to walk away (with or without the girls) saying we gave her every chance and encouraged her as much as we could, and I feel like we can do that.

It's a roller coaster of emotions. Actually, combined with pregnancy hormones, its been more like a tsunami of emotions :).

Don't get me wrong, our hearts are hurting as we let go, but we are so very thankful for the 9 months that we have been able to love them.  Even though we are losing, we are still not left empty handed. This has been one of the biggest spiritual and soul searching journeys of my entire life. We took in what we said we wouldn't, and we faced issues that we said we couldn't handle. God used that to stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed. I see the system in a whole new light, and I have seen brokenness that I didn't know existed. If God had not let us walk this, my eyes would have never been opened.

It's been a great reminder that God doesn't give us what we want, He gives us what we need.

Getting to be their mama this past year was grace. Merciful, and hopeful grace.

We are going to spend the next couple weeks loving them and trying to figure out what the old way of things looked like. We are looking so forward to finding out the gender of our new little love, (next month!!) and we are praying that He clearly shows us what our next step is in this foster care world.

This chapter with C & A is coming to a close. We are super excited to see what He has in store for our little family as we continue on. I would love any prayers for us all, especially for C and A as we transition them back into a completely different environment. Pray for protection and healing and hope, ok? I would so appreciate it!

A Little Foster Update

So...

I think a lot of you may have seen on Facebook over the weekend that we got a random phone call about a distant relative surfacing for C & A.

Just in case you're wondering, in foster care they always look for family to take the children. And often times, if family is found even after they are placed with a foster family, the children are moved. Even if that family loves them and is taking good care of them and they now have a healthy view of a normal family.

Deep breaths.

And that is precisely the case here. Our caseworker called and said that this family member (read: sort of a family member) had been approved to take the girls, and we needed to meet with them as soon as possible.

And just like that. Things can change.

So I told them to make the drive to our town (they are an hour away), and we could meet at a Chickfila close to us. Honestly, I just wanted to see if they would come all the way here, and I feel like making them work if they really are going to take them from us. Mean? Maybe. But I really did  think it was best to meet on our turf, at a place the girls have frequented, so we could make this as comfortable as possible for C & A.

And because I also feel that Chickfila waffle fries and sweet tea can heal emotional pain. So it was a win-win.

It went ok, and it also was understandably awkward. The girls have been a mess ever since because I think they know deep inside that this may mean a new place, and more new people. And as hard as it all is, I feel Him with us in every step. I feel Him changing the direction, and I feel Him helping us loosen our grip on a situation we can not control.

I feel Him continuing to teach us to love big no matter what the outcome of this foster care roller coaster.

Today they played outside with their siblings, laughed at the dinner table over silly things, and then layed their little heads down in the same spot that they have since December. Today they are safe, and they are loved, and they are here :).

We think it will take about 6 weeks for this all to unfold, so we are just going to take it a day at a time and try to love without hesitation. Should be easy, right :)???

Hope you all are having a great week!

Fostering Through The Rough

I've been wanting to write about things for some time. We get a lot of questions about or new girls and how it's going...as you can imagine. But haven't really been able to find the right words. So I thought I'd just hop on here and say it:

Things in our foster case have been rough lately. And sorta ugly. And just plain hard.

A few months ago when I realized that this foster journey was rising above our heads more than I'd like to admit, I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to admit that we were questioning things, and I didn't want to admit that the whole situation was occupying way more of my time than it should. I felt under attack during a season of change in our life - and in a way, I felt plagued by all the uncertainties that now hung over our heads.

Will we keep them? Can we keep them? Are our bio kids ok? Will we all make it through this?

As you know, in July we felt led to jump into fostering. We had been raising kids for 9 years, appeared to be doing this big family thing with a good amount of sanity, and us adding a kid was no shocker to people anymore - because clearly, we can not be trusted in the "we're done having kids" department. Amen?

But then He gave us these 2 older girls from a really hard place - and there was no bonding, and a lot of problems, and things just started to cave in. I was trying to keep up, be brave, and love hard, but the hole we were in was filling faster than I could dig out. C started becoming more upset with each visit with their mom, and A...well, like I've mentioned, she's just got a lot going on. All the sudden there were a million unknowns. And I was drowning.

The people pleaser in me wanted to say, "Things are SO great! I feel like I birthed them! Goodness, this is so beautiful!" But I couldn't, and since you only get reality around here, I kept quiet instead of sharing.

Friends, I have learned that He does not want you to keep quiet when you are struggling to make sense of a rocky season. He wants us to share it with anyone you chose so we can hear these magic words, "Wait, you've felt like that too? You've been there before? Oh, it makes me feel so much better to know I'm not alone."

It was hard for me, after all, how often do I hear, "wow, 6 kids PLUS you're fostering?? You must be Super Mom!!". I would find myself cringing at how far from the truth that is. Because I struggle too. A lot. And I yell. Way more than I should. So if you're coming here looking for Super Mom, then you've come to the wrong place, because she ain't here.

Besides, 2 kids, 6 kids, 10 kids, or 20 kids doesn't make you super mom. Loving your kids fearlessly, putting their needs before your own, and getting out of bed in the morning and dragging your struggling heart to the toaster to make waffles is what makes you super mom. We laugh a midst the pain, smile when things are hard, and push through when we just want to crumble. That is what makes mothers different from anything else in God's creation. That's what makes us all super mom.

I couldn't let go of what I had planned in my head when we started this. I was asking God why this was so incredibly hard, and why He would lead us here to only let us struggle? But now I see that He leads us into the storm to change us. He uses these times to shape us and renovate our lives and our hearts. So when the clouds part and the light starts to shine back in, you come out a changed person.

You see, the struggle is part of the story. It's actually a huge part of the big picture. It is where we grow.

A close friend told me recently, "Let go of what you thought it was going to be, and let God show you how it's going to end up." I think I say that to myself daily now. Because even though life with them isn't exactly all warm & fuzzy all the time, we do love them deeply. Their history has a lot of pain and neglect, it seems so unfair and when I think of it all I just want to hide them forever so we can protect them.

But I can't.

At the end of a long day when I tuck all 8 of them in, I remember that this isn't about me. It's not about us being more comfortable or about our life being easy. This is about Him. And this about bringing glory to His name whether they stay forever or whether they don't.

So for now we breath deep and we take it a day at a time. We just do the next thing. 

People have asked a lot lately about how things were going, and so I thought it was time to answer :). I get a lot of questions about how our marriage thrives through it, and how our bio kids handle it all, and I'm going to try to write about that all in more detail soon. Feel free to ask any questions about our family, I'll do my best to answer :).

Hope you all are having a great week! I am so excited to relax with my people this weekend!

The Ministry Of Motherhood

"Why are you adding more when you already have 6?"

You can only imagine how many times that question has swung my way over the past several months.

And my answer? Um, all I have to do is snuggle into Lincolns chubby cheeks for a second and my ovaries start firing off eggs. I'm an odd one. A collector of children.

Not really, I don't say that although I should, yes? I usually just respond with a "why not" or a "yep, we're crazy like that."

I get why people ask those questions though. And I would imagine that every mom gets why people ask those questions, because every mom gets how hard her job is. It's like when you have a newborn, and you're a week postpartum, and you haven't showered or brushed your teeth, and the baby is crying while your other kids are fighting, and the washing machine just ate your last pair of hospital net underwear.

(Not that I know what that is like.)

There is never a part of me though that views adding more kiddos to our family as "inconvenient", I feel like we're only moving forward with God's plan for our family.

Does changing diapers, filling sippy cups, wiping noses, cleaning up crumbs off the floor, and folding load after load of laundry always feel glamorous? Not at all. And would I love to have a full conversation at the park without having to tell my children to stop eating the mulch? Sure. But that's not my life right now...

Like I've confessed before, I have many days when this mom gig feels mundane and redundant. Let's just all go ahead and admit that some days kinda suck. C'mon, raise your hand, some days being a mother sucks the life right out of you and all you want to do is run screaming from you're house. It's ok to admit it, you're safe here.

Motherhood is hard. That is a simple fact. Some days more than others.

It's kind of like a roller coaster...with only tall hills and loops...and you just keep going up the tall hill anticipating the other side, and then after the rush of going down the hill it throws you for another loop. Yea, it's kinda like that.

Foster care is also like that, a roller coaster that never ends. Yesterday we had a visit with their mom, she decided to show up, and we all sang Cumbaya. Not really. The reality is that there is never a time that it doesn't sting a little when they run to her and all of the sudden I fall into 2nd place. Not going to lie, it actually stings a lot, especially with all we're dealing with with the girls.

But for some reason a child instinctively wants their mom to love them, regardless of the ugly past. That is the power of a mother's love.

I even find myself caring about their mom in a mothering way. Don't get me wrong, this woman can make me crazy, but like I've mentioned before, she's pretty young and never really had a mom. So I stand in this weird place where I want to keep her girls, but I also want to reach out and love her as well. I even found myself in the grocery yesterday buying her prenatal vitamins (because yes, she's expecting again. Don't EVEN get me started.). She feels like the enemy sometimes, but that motherly instinct to love her always trumps the bad feelings. Us mothers can't help it, its running through our tired veins.

The deep down ugly truth is that I often just want her to go away even though I know God's plan is best, and  even though I know they are not really mine. But they feel like they're mine. Until we see her. And then I am humbled right into the background of the whole story. But that is the thing, mothers often are changing lives and keeping things going behind the scenes of everyday life - there is not a lot of recognition, but He sees us.

We are mothers. And we love relentlessly, even when it seems crazy. And it is indeed crazy!

Right now, motherhood is my ministry. It's how I serve, even when it feels so, so mundane and ordinary. But shaping lives is anything but ordinary.

The world tells us that we need to keep defining ourselves with things, and people, and money, and a "better you!" But God has already given us a defining role, and the more I embrace it the more I find my true self - right here, in this calling to be a mother.

Whether you're in the baby stage, or the school age stage, or the waiting for your kiddo through adoption stage, it's always a moving forward with God's plan of motherhood stage. And that's a good place to be.

So today, and tonight, and the next day, and the following years after that, I will continue on this crazy road of mothering. The hardest, but by far the most rewarding road I've been on to date.

Love Big

So I turned 32 over the weekend. And you know what? It doesn't feel much different than 31 :).

And my anxious-flyer self even hopped on a flight home all by myself on Sunday. I know, I'm growing up so fast.

I spent the weekend in Atlanta with some friends at the Created For Care retreat for foster and adoptive moms. We spent 48 hours talking about how to "love big" when it comes to our kids and through the ups and downs of parenting kiddos from hard places. Lot's of info and lot's to take in, but it was really good :).

It also ended up being a much needed reminder that He is still pursuing me, as I pursue a new normal for my family right now. It's SO easy to get lost in the shuffle of day to day life as a mom, and it was really refreshing to remember that I am part of the story too - that my heart matters to Him as well. Goodness, that is so easy to forget when you are giving yourself completely to these little loves day in and day out!

My mommy heart had been struggling so much from carrying the weight of our situation. I do not like crying in public, but I could not keep composure in some of these sessions, friends. I have been so fearful of loving big and losing time and time again - but lately I have started to feel a release from that. I just feel this peace about loving as much as we can, even though the future isn't clear. Because if we don't love these kids, then who will? And if we don't love in the darkness of this world, then what use are we as Christians?

He is faithful and with us every step of the way. That's all I could ask for in this mommy journey.

Last week I had a Dr appointment for A. I know I've mentioned that we have been worried about some things going on with her, and I believe we have found some reasons. The issues seem a tad bigger than just delays, and the team at our childrens hospital believe that she is actually having seizures - at night and several during the day in the form of what looks like a total "zone out".

So. Huge deep breaths. (And maybe some wine.) Both seem to help.

Monday morning we have an EEG scheduled for her and we are praying for the best - that they aren't seizures, and that things are better than they seem. But if they are indeed exactly what they seem? That's ok too. His plan is the best plan for our journey. I feel at total peace about that.

We saw the mom last week and I'm still feeling that compassionate feeling inside me for her, even though I hate her choices. She grew up much like her kids are, and I have to literally force myself not to embrace her when she talks about it. Because friends, I just want to hug this woman for some reason. I think I'm about to cross the line of what I "should" be doing, to what I feel like He would want me to do. And that is to love as big as we can for as long as we can - and right now I feel like that includes the kids and her.

We'll see where that goes.

Like I've said, I may get burned, but I don't think choosing to love someone who needs it is ever a bad thing. Jesus loves me even though I don't deserve it, and that is what I keep thinking of when I think of her.

And honestly, I have been seeing that there is a possibility that He led us here to just love, maybe not adopt. I don't view it as loving and losing anymore, I view it as loving as many as we can for as long as He lets us. I need to let go of my plans and embrace His perfect story for our family. Adding a little one forever would just be a bonus :).

In other news, we have a school carnival this weekend, it will be a first for C. I can not even begin to tell you how excited this child is to do the "cake walk". Makes me smile! Although I think we could go into cake overload if all the children play - gotta have boundaries, people.

But really, are boundaries even realistic when it comes to cake?

So anyway, that's kind of what we've been up to. I'm determined to get the laundry completely done and put away today after being gone all weekend. But let's be honest, relaxing with the kids sounds SO much better :).

Back soon!

I'm A Fixer

It is my personality to want to fix things, especially when it comes to my children. Kids having problems? I'll take care of it. Friend needs some support? I'll be there. Laundry is out of control? I've got a system to handle it.

But I can't fix this. And He is teaching me that I shouldn't be trying to put every piece back together in any broken situation all by myself. He is the One that restores. He is the One that heals. And He is the One that makes sense of the storms.

Goodness, this has all been a tad consuming. I feel like I spend a lot of my time praying, "Lord, is it your plan for us to keep these girls? Or are You planning to rebuild their bio family? Should I do this? Should I do that? PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER!"

Ahem. Sorry. Clearly my patience isn't great.

C has been struggling. Its just plain and simple. She is sad, and I can tell that her little 5 year old thoughts are elsewhere. She has been here almost 3 months, she is confused about her mom, and she wants me to make the hurting stop. She wants me to explain why she never comes to see her, and she wants me to fix it. But I can't - and I hate that.

So I stand in this confusing space of wanting to reach out to the mom and show her grace, and wanting to come across the table at the her during our next visit. Just being honest.

I can tell that C wants to love me, yet she keeps me at an arms length some of the time. She needs me, but she's not sure she can trust me. We have this constant power struggle, I want the natural relationship to be there, but the bottom line is that it just takes time. All things that are worth while take time. Our foster worker (who I love) told me something last week that keeps haunting me...

"She's waiting for you to leave."

That's a sobering truth for me. So this past week I have spent a lot of time reassuring, and I have spent a lot of time tucking her in and saying, "you know I'm here for good, right? I'm not going anywhere." We are making progress, but I must confess that having a child reject your love and ask for a woman who has basically abandoned her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

(I know it's all part of foster care. Feel free to jump in here with all the experience that you might have with attachment problems)

I can't fix it, but I know He can in His timing. Even though its a mess right now, I can also say that it has been the biggest lesson in unconditional love for me. I can hate the mom all I want, but the bottom line is her sin is no different than my sin in the Lords eyes - hers is just more public. There are not only kids that need homes, but there are families that need hope.

We are supposed to see her today, it will only be the 2nd time in 12 weeks that she has come. I can already tell you that C is going to feel abandoned again, and that it will be a hard day for her. So please pray for her little heart, I would really appreciate it!

I want to put all the pieces back together, but that's not my job. My job is to love unconditionally and try to share Jesus in any way I can while we have them. His promises aren't empty, He will bring beauty from ashes in all of this - that is about the only thing I'm currently sure of :).

When The Hard Stuff Becomes The Good Stuff

We're 8 weeks old today. How can that be?

It's been a crazy ride so far. It's almost funny to think back and see how things have progressed. So for my records, here's an honest look at the journey so far...

We started out this adventure in what I like to call the "newborn fog". We didn't have babies but they were still new to us. I didn't know what I was doing, C & A were smiling big, and our bio children were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over their new foster siblings. This is so fun! We can fix anything! Go God! Woohoo!

A couple weeks passed and the ooh-ing and ahh-ing was replaced by "gimme that back!" and "the new girl just hit me in the face with a Barbie!". The laughing at bedtime that I initially thought was so sweet went from cute to go-to-sleep-before-mommy-turns-into-crazy-mommy. Things from the past started to surface with the girls that concerned me a good amount, my eager spirit starts to get anxious, and I basically felt like I had a billion kids at my feet all day long.

Fast forward another couple weeks. I'm a little mad at life. Good feelings are dwindling fast. I'm full of doubt. We see that A is hurting a good amount, and all the joy has basically turned to worry. Our bio children are staring with wide eyes as we push through some stuff with the girls, I am not attaching to them the way I dreamed I would, and I am begging Eric to magically come up with a solution or a reason as to why we did this.

I missed my family. You know, the old and predictable version of us.

It wasn't that I didn't love our new additions, I do love them very much, I was just having trouble making sense of it all...and it was draining. But He is changing me. He is changing us. And slowly but surely, our family is taking on a new shape. It's still hard. But there is a new and fresh wind blowing, my friends.

Something sweet is happening. There is relief, and a new normal, and a different love for C & A. We are all adjusting in a new way, A has a lot to be addressed but is the sweetest little thing, and we are seeing that God IS IN THIS. I can feel people praying. Grace is surfacing from the hard, and light is shining through the ugly.

Pushing through the hard is bringing in the good.

I remember telling my husband after a long foster class about struggling and hurting kids, "We won't have to worry about that...we're not taking a child that age...we'll get a little one before they experience a lot of bad." I'm embarrassed of that now, because that statement came from me wanting to be comfortable, not from me wanting to step outside my sheltered bubble of "on track" children and healthy babies. 

Look at her. No seriously, look at her. Isn't she sweet :)? Even though I can't show her entire face, I want you to see those innocent eyes. Look at her and know that the things she is dealing with are not her fault, she didn't ask for it, and she didn't deserve it.

Look at her and try not to love her, try to say it's too hard, try to say you can't love and let go. It's impossible.

This child and her big sister are not what I had planned. They have stretched me out of my comfort zone, and they have rocked my comfortable little world. But oh have they changed me forever. He has used them to focus my eyes back on Him, and they have reminded me that He is the ONLY one with the answers. None of this crap makes any sense without Him.

The hard stuff has become the good stuff. It has become the stuff that is changing us and molding us. It has become the stuff that is drawing us closer to Him.

He knew I didn't need easy, He knew I needed a little storm. I needed to be reminded that in my weakness He is strong, and that I can't do or fix it all. 

Yesterday was a good day. Sure, we had our moments but who doesn't? Their story has impacted me on so many levels, I've even felt pulled lately to reach out to their bio mom. I'm excited to see what He has in store here...for them and for us.

There is hope and grace for each new day, and for now, I really couldn't ask for anything more than that :). 

Love Wins

Can I just say real quick that I promise warm and fuzzy posts are coming soon? Maybe about Target, or Chickfila, or how I've started freezer cooking...I know, I'm growing up so fast.

But right now I want to write this down so I can remind myself tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, and next month. Love wins.

I mentioned on Facebook that we've been having a really hard time with A, which has been consuming a lot of my time. It's something that I've never experienced, and it is something that should never plague a 3yr old. It's also something that has made me feel like handing my phone number out to anyone and everyone who has ever taken in a hurting child so they can help me be a good mom to her. Even people on the internet. Any takers :)??? As a little 3yr old, her age is already working against her. Because you can tell her everything is ok, but she knows and remembers that things aren't always ok, even when people tell you they are.

And she's scared. Of basically everything.

They have lived their entire lives knowing that love doesn't always stay. It shows up, it breaks down, and it goes away. That's the ugly truth.

As we see the anxiety rise, and I don't feel like I am completely maxed out from the meltdowns, I try to rock this baby and tell her that we are here and that she is loved. I see her fear and can't help but feel that we are dealing with one specific thing: darkness vs. light.

I'm sorry if that sounds "out there". But the more I deal with this little girl, the more I see that we are in the middle of a battle. For so long the enemy was able to have a grip on their lives, and for so long they lived in a dark spot. As a friend reminded me, "the enemy is prowling around those girls because he no longer has full access to them. But victory is won, so claim the victory!" Don't ya just love friends who boldly speak the truth in your life?? So as a result, I have never felt the urgency to constantly pray over a child like I do A - as she struggles we continue to ask Jesus for healing and peace. And the more we pray, the more we see His love pouring out over this whole situation.

Love wins.

Now honestly, I've had some ugly moments. I'm not proud of some of the thoughts in my head, or the things that have come out of my mouth sometimes when Eric and I stand in the living room at 2am with her as she cries. I'm not proud of how easily I could give up sometimes. Pushing through and having to CHOOSE to love through the ugly is one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do.

But I am being constantly reminded that love heals.

I won't go into boring details, and by "boring details" I mean "make-you-completely-crazy-and-angry-at-the-system details", but there is a very distant family member asking for a home study so they can take the girls. Does that make me super comfortable? Nope. Do I think it's best? Not at the moment. But is it what we signed up for? Apparently. That is all probably months away though, and who knows if or when it will come to pass. I know He is already there waiting to help us face whatever comes, and show us what is best for us and for them.

We let C start into Awana with our other girls a couple weeks ago. She has never really been in church until she came here, and she really didn't have an understanding of much at all. But the other morning she was eating breakfast and said, "Guess what, mom!? God so loved the world! He really did!". Made me smile, she was so excited that she memorized just a tiny part. Makes this all so worth it.

If they have to leave at some point, at least they will take a little bit of Jesus with them :).

I feel them becoming part of us, but the more I talk to the caseworker, the more I see the possibility of them staying slipping further and further away. Which again, is part of fostering. So we'll just take all of this new stuff one day at a time, ask Jesus to bring light into the dark, ask for anyone and everyone to pray for our sweet A, and somehow still laugh together at this crazy season after bedtime.

Fostering has already been one of the most refining times in my life. Having the opportunity to love them and help them heal is without a doubt grace in my own life, even when it's HARD.

We love them. He loves them more. And His love wins, no matter what happens.

Plan A

"I didn't do anything awful. I know it seems like I'm horrible but I'm really not."

I looked at her in the parking lot of childrens services and tried to think of a good response for C & A's biological mother. I really don't think shes awful, I just think she makes awful choices. We landed there to see her unexpectedly a week ago, she's been completely absent so when we got the call that she surfaced for a visit I was surprised.

"I know...I know...it's ok...really, everything is going to be ok." It's all I could get out even though I was trying to form something more profound, and even though there has been several times over the past month that I've wanted to grab this chick by the shoulders and shake her.

It was finally real, she was finally in front of me, and it finally sank in that they are not mine...right now they are hers. (His really, but you know what I mean.)

All the valid points and accusations I had tucked in my greater than thou pocket disappeared.

For some reason in that moment all the frustration faded and all I felt was sadness. Sadness when she turned around to barely kiss them and C started crying. Sadness when I watched a broken woman walk away without a care. And sadness when I had to pull the car over and get in the back and hold a 5yr old as she grieved over what felt like another abandonment after months of not seeing her.

I am a attached mother. I love the kids in my home with all my being and I would do anything to protect them. That includes the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't.

Back in the day I said we were in this journey to foster and hopefully at some point be blessed to keep one (or two). But it turns out that I don't think I know how to foster without getting attached. Without loving them like my own. Without thinking of the possible future and them being taken from the first family they've ever really known.

I don't know how to put my mothering heart in neutral and just take it a day at a time.

It's funny to me how in the beginning I was buying baby blankets, washing Lincoln's carseat, and preparing to bond with a little one. I really envisioned us taking in a baby. I said we wanted what He wanted, but in my mind I was already planning our future. I wanted the transition to be smooth, I wanted that bonding to be natural, and I wanted our bio girls to ooh and ahh over a tiny little love just like they did with their brother. But instead, we got a rocky case with 2 little loves that need a family.

I am beyond thankful for how He pursues us with His perfect plan. For how He kept whispering that day that we needed to say yes to these little girls.

Will they only stay for months? Will they stay for good? I don't know. But you know what? Worrying about all of it is exhausting. We may very well love and have to let go. That's all part of it and He is teaching me to let go of my controlling ways. I have to trust Him. 

We are on Plan A, even though at times it has felt like an alternate route. I keep reminding myself that there is no Plan B with the Lord, just one perfect plan. There is no back-up plan waiting in case His doesn't come through just right. His sovereign Plan A is already perfect, even when its a surprise :).

I often feel like we are in the middle of a crazy and unstable season. But what we're really in the middle of is a broken situation, with a broken family, and broken lives, in a broken world. We all need Jesus so badly.

I can't tell you that I am completely sympathetic with the woman who birthed C & A, or that the idea of them going back to family doesn't make my stomach hurt a little. But what I can tell you is that I see something in this whole situation that reminds me of what we ALL need in our own lives...grace, love, and redemption.

So today we are trying to love big, leave the details to Him, and know that He will prepare our hearts for whatever is on His agenda. Today, we are still on Plan A.

Back In The Saddle

We are getting back in to the swing of things after a long winter break.

And by long I mean crazy. And unexpected. And surreal. And INSANE.

But we are all still here and everyone seems to still be ok, so that means something is going right...right? Just say I'm right, ok? Lie to me if you have to, sister.

I am adjusting to our new (not) normal. I've been thinking of new ways to keep up with the laundry and housework and such with 8 kids. Because even though we only added 2 more, it feels like we went from 6 to 12. I don't know why, but it does. Eric surprised me last week with these bad boys...

I don't think I've ever been more attracted to him. 

It's like he gave me my very own laundromat! These were my late Christmas, early anniversary, birthday, and "any other event that calls for a present" gift. Instead of updating our rings or going on a 10yr anniversary trip next month, we got a church van and a washer & dryer.

We're so romantic. 

I had an unexpected meeting with the girls biological mom on Friday that rocked me a little. And as much as I want to share about it all, I'm just not ready. It's messy, and annoying, and sad, and good, and SO many other emotions that I can't seem to make any sense of. I'm confused but also clear on the fact that He is working here.

Now, He may be working the most on me and my lack of faith and one of a kind control issues, but can we save that for another post? Yes? Great.

In the meantime, look at a cute picture of my girls... 

Sigh, I love them.

We've embraced the snow and loved every second of it. Well, except for the fact that they only have to pee after I get ALL the snow clothes on. By the time I get all the clothes on I am basically sweating - so taking them back off goes down in my book as a full blown workout.

Anyway. Does this all sound like rambling yet? Well, 8 kids make you ramble. For reals.

I'm off for now. Going to lay out some food for the crockpot tomorrow. I am making and freezing some of our favorite Cream Cheese Chicken Chili. The kids love it and I love having some frozen meals for busy nights (which is basically every night right now). You should try it, I promise you'll love it!

Hope you're having a great week, friends!

Here's To Him

Here's to a new year with new mercies, and grace, and redemption.

Here is to understanding His plan, and accepting it when we don't.

Here is to loving these 2 fearlessly without worrying about the future...

Yea, if only not worrying was that easy. Loving them is (usually) easy, my friends. Dealing with their past and an unknown future is the hard part.

I have sat down a few times to tell you about life here, only to stare at the screen begging the words to type themselves. Because truthfully, I'm having trouble even sorting through it myself. The short answer is this: It's a day to day thing. They are dealing with a ton and it's been hard on everyone. We placed 2 girls in the middle of our brood with a lot of issues to deal with and that is never going to be easy. I have to remind myself that they didn't ask for this and that we need to shove past the hard moments and love them with all we have. They deserve a relentless love that never leaves, and that's why we are holding on tight.

As much as I want to paint this beautiful picture for you, I can't. Because when you come here you are going to get real life, and at the moment, it's not always pretty. We are (of course) in a unique foster situation. Our court date that would bring some kind of judgement isn't till October. As in, almost a year from now. A YEAR. A year of breaking down walls, and making this their home, and bringing beauty out of the darkness. A year of healing that could lead to a court date of pain.

Everyone deals with things differently, and maybe you'd have tougher skin, but right now I don't. Right now I feel like I'm carrying a weight on my shoulders that weighs a million pounds.

I know that today they are not ours completely. And I know that they can leave as quickly as they came. But the fear of pushing through the road ahead only to have them taken next October nearly takes my breath away. Seriously.

And I know, you don't have to tell me, this is what foster care looks like. But that fact doesn't make it easy.

There are giggles and smiles and hugs. And there are hard behaviors and attachment issues and problems that are way bigger than my mothering skills.

But He is here. And they are worth it.

In some moments, the only joy you have is knowing that you are exactly where He wants you. And we are, exactly where He's been leading us this past year. So there is joy.

They are absolutely beautiful, friends. They are the pick-up-and-squeeze-them-tight kind of cute.

I wish I could show you all the pictures I've taken. I wish I could sit and spill all the details as I cry with you over coffee. I wish these girls could have had a sheltered upbringing like mine. I wish their eyes could have been shielded and I wish I could remove every memory that is haunting them.

But I can't. That is His job, He will bring healing here. He is the only one that can restore what was broken. I'm just the middle man.

This is where we are. We are all still adjusting to our new bundles of joy. We still have one foot in the honeymoon stage and we are still learning about our new normal. If you can call it normal :). We are thankful that out of hundreds of homes in our county, He chose us for these specific gifts.

So Here's to Him. To wholly focusing on Him and His plans for this life that we live inside these 4 walls.

Grace, grace, grace. It's all grace.

More Than I Can Handle

Last Wednesday as I was fixing lunch for the kiddos, I got a phone call that has permantly changed us. I sat and stared out the patio window as our worker described a placement that she "for some reason felt like she needed to ask us about". Even though it wasn't really what we were waiting for, and even though it was a lot to take in, she said something was "telling her to call us".

It was Him.

Eric and I chatted and prayed and talked of how we weren't sure that this was something we were prepared for. It would be a lot, 8 kids seemed kind of crazy right off the bat, and when on earth would we shower? We thought about all the hard stuff, and we came up with one conclusion: we had no good reason to say no.

The 1st night was mostly what we thought. They came running in and absolutely loved being in a home with lot's of kids. They laughed, and cried a bit at bedtime, and eventually talked of things that should never be on the lips of a 3 or 5yr old. 

I tried to be a trooper, but then all the sudden I was like: Wait. This isn't going to be even a tad easy, is it? I'm not going to be picking up a baby that I can carry in a wrap and bond with immediately like I had planned in my mind, am I? I have to build trust and relationships with these girls who are hurt and confused, don't I? Ok, good feelings are gone.

The first 48 hours was a blur, and by the end of the 3rd night I found myself in the kitchen at 9pm having a meltdown which included the full on ugly cry. Your motherly instinct to love them immediately kicks in when they wrap their sweet arms around your neck, but the underlying stress of the unknowns weighs SO much, it makes your heart ache. I started asking myself, "How can I do this?" and  "How can I love them fearlessly when I have no guarantee of keeping them?"

But this is the thing.

He gives us more than we can handle, and more than we can understand.

I know that goes against the saying "He gives us only what we can handle", but I've never really believed it. Scripture doesn't tell us that. I have learned that He reveals Himself the most when you are trying to carry something that is too big...too intense...too deep. I really believe He gives us things we can't handle so we constantly realize our need for Him.

This season? This tough situation? This love that I feel for them? The underlying fear I have now about losing them? I can't handle it on my own.

I can't. I will face the court dates and all the meetings. I will advocate for my girls and I will stand up for what I know is right. But I need Him to put us on His shoulders and carry us, or we'll never make it through the valleys.

It's only been a week. And all of the sudden, after a wild intro to the system, there is a love surfacing here that only God can give. There are walls breaking down and there are hugs. There are 2 girls that are surely making their way right into our hearts. There are 8 sweet little loves playing duck-duck-goose that reminds me that this whole situation is bigger than we are. And there are many reminders of what called us here in the first place.

6 months ago I said we were ready for anything. But honestly, we could have never been prepared for the journey that He had waiting for us. They say that the girls are here to stay for a good while, that we have a long road ahead (I pray the staying part is true). From my eyes, I feel that there is a 50/50 chance of things going either way. Of course, He already knows what restoration looks like for this situation.

I just pray that He prepares us for what that is.

He sometimes leads us into something that we never expected, but He stays while we find our way. Its been beautiful a midst the uncertainty. He is here in each moment and every detail. And that is what makes me KNOW that we can do this. With Him, I think we'll be ok.

We just love them. It's been a tough transition and it is definitely a tad crazy still. But the beauty that lays right beneath the surface of it all is what makes it totally worth it. They are the best gift we could've received this Christmas, and we are so excited to spend the holiday celebrating Jesus with all 8 of our little loves :).