Here's to a new year with new mercies, and grace, and redemption.
Here is to understanding His plan, and accepting it when we don't.
Here is to loving these 2 fearlessly without worrying about the future...
Yea, if only not worrying was that easy. Loving them is (usually) easy, my friends. Dealing with their past and an unknown future is the hard part.
I have sat down a few times to tell you about life here, only to stare at the screen begging the words to type themselves. Because truthfully, I'm having trouble even sorting through it myself. The short answer is this: It's a day to day thing. They are dealing with a ton and it's been hard on everyone. We placed 2 girls in the middle of our brood with a lot of issues to deal with and that is never going to be easy. I have to remind myself that they didn't ask for this and that we need to shove past the hard moments and love them with all we have. They deserve a relentless love that never leaves, and that's why we are holding on tight.
As much as I want to paint this beautiful picture for you, I can't. Because when you come here you are going to get real life, and at the moment, it's not always pretty. We are (of course) in a unique foster situation. Our court date that would bring some kind of judgement isn't till October. As in, almost a year from now. A YEAR. A year of breaking down walls, and making this their home, and bringing beauty out of the darkness. A year of healing that could lead to a court date of pain.
Everyone deals with things differently, and maybe you'd have tougher skin, but right now I don't. Right now I feel like I'm carrying a weight on my shoulders that weighs a million pounds.
I know that today they are not ours completely. And I know that they can leave as quickly as they came. But the fear of pushing through the road ahead only to have them taken next October nearly takes my breath away. Seriously.
And I know, you don't have to tell me, this is what foster care looks like. But that fact doesn't make it easy.
There are giggles and smiles and hugs. And there are hard behaviors and attachment issues and problems that are way bigger than my mothering skills.
But He is here. And they are worth it.
In some moments, the only joy you have is knowing that you are exactly where He wants you. And we are, exactly where He's been leading us this past year. So there is joy.
They are absolutely beautiful, friends. They are the pick-up-and-squeeze-them-tight kind of cute.
I wish I could show you all the pictures I've taken. I wish I could sit and spill all the details as I cry with you over coffee. I wish these girls could have had a sheltered upbringing like mine. I wish their eyes could have been shielded and I wish I could remove every memory that is haunting them.
But I can't. That is His job, He will bring healing here. He is the only one that can restore what was broken. I'm just the middle man.
This is where we are. We are all still adjusting to our new bundles of joy. We still have one foot in the honeymoon stage and we are still learning about our new normal. If you can call it normal :). We are thankful that out of hundreds of homes in our county, He chose us for these specific gifts.
So Here's to Him. To wholly focusing on Him and His plans for this life that we live inside these 4 walls.
Grace, grace, grace. It's all grace.