"I didn't do anything awful. I know it seems like I'm horrible but I'm really not."
I looked at her in the parking lot of childrens services and tried to think of a good response for C & A's biological mother. I really don't think shes awful, I just think she makes awful choices. We landed there to see her unexpectedly a week ago, she's been completely absent so when we got the call that she surfaced for a visit I was surprised.
"I know...I know...it's ok...really, everything is going to be ok." It's all I could get out even though I was trying to form something more profound, and even though there has been several times over the past month that I've wanted to grab this chick by the shoulders and shake her.
It was finally real, she was finally in front of me, and it finally sank in that they are not mine...right now they are hers. (His really, but you know what I mean.)
All the valid points and accusations I had tucked in my greater than thou pocket disappeared.
For some reason in that moment all the frustration faded and all I felt was sadness. Sadness when she turned around to barely kiss them and C started crying. Sadness when I watched a broken woman walk away without a care. And sadness when I had to pull the car over and get in the back and hold a 5yr old as she grieved over what felt like another abandonment after months of not seeing her.
I am a attached mother. I love the kids in my home with all my being and I would do anything to protect them. That includes the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't.
I don't know how to put my mothering heart in neutral and just take it a day at a time.
I am beyond thankful for how He pursues us with His perfect plan. For how He kept whispering that day that we needed to say yes to these little girls.
Will they only stay for months? Will they stay for good? I don't know. But you know what? Worrying about all of it is exhausting. We may very well love and have to let go. That's all part of it and He is teaching me to let go of my controlling ways. I have to trust Him.
We are on Plan A, even though at times it has felt like an alternate route. I keep reminding myself that there is no Plan B with the Lord, just one perfect plan. There is no back-up plan waiting in case His doesn't come through just right. His sovereign Plan A is already perfect, even when its a surprise :).
I can't tell you that I am completely sympathetic with the woman who birthed C & A, or that the idea of them going back to family doesn't make my stomach hurt a little. But what I can tell you is that I see something in this whole situation that reminds me of what we ALL need in our own lives...grace, love, and redemption.
So today we are trying to love big, leave the details to Him, and know that He will prepare our hearts for whatever is on His agenda. Today, we are still on Plan A.