Plan A

"I didn't do anything awful. I know it seems like I'm horrible but I'm really not."

I looked at her in the parking lot of childrens services and tried to think of a good response for C & A's biological mother. I really don't think shes awful, I just think she makes awful choices. We landed there to see her unexpectedly a week ago, she's been completely absent so when we got the call that she surfaced for a visit I was surprised.

"I know...I know...it's ok...really, everything is going to be ok." It's all I could get out even though I was trying to form something more profound, and even though there has been several times over the past month that I've wanted to grab this chick by the shoulders and shake her.

It was finally real, she was finally in front of me, and it finally sank in that they are not mine...right now they are hers. (His really, but you know what I mean.)

All the valid points and accusations I had tucked in my greater than thou pocket disappeared.

For some reason in that moment all the frustration faded and all I felt was sadness. Sadness when she turned around to barely kiss them and C started crying. Sadness when I watched a broken woman walk away without a care. And sadness when I had to pull the car over and get in the back and hold a 5yr old as she grieved over what felt like another abandonment after months of not seeing her.

I am a attached mother. I love the kids in my home with all my being and I would do anything to protect them. That includes the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't.

Back in the day I said we were in this journey to foster and hopefully at some point be blessed to keep one (or two). But it turns out that I don't think I know how to foster without getting attached. Without loving them like my own. Without thinking of the possible future and them being taken from the first family they've ever really known.

I don't know how to put my mothering heart in neutral and just take it a day at a time.

It's funny to me how in the beginning I was buying baby blankets, washing Lincoln's carseat, and preparing to bond with a little one. I really envisioned us taking in a baby. I said we wanted what He wanted, but in my mind I was already planning our future. I wanted the transition to be smooth, I wanted that bonding to be natural, and I wanted our bio girls to ooh and ahh over a tiny little love just like they did with their brother. But instead, we got a rocky case with 2 little loves that need a family.

I am beyond thankful for how He pursues us with His perfect plan. For how He kept whispering that day that we needed to say yes to these little girls.

Will they only stay for months? Will they stay for good? I don't know. But you know what? Worrying about all of it is exhausting. We may very well love and have to let go. That's all part of it and He is teaching me to let go of my controlling ways. I have to trust Him. 

We are on Plan A, even though at times it has felt like an alternate route. I keep reminding myself that there is no Plan B with the Lord, just one perfect plan. There is no back-up plan waiting in case His doesn't come through just right. His sovereign Plan A is already perfect, even when its a surprise :).

I often feel like we are in the middle of a crazy and unstable season. But what we're really in the middle of is a broken situation, with a broken family, and broken lives, in a broken world. We all need Jesus so badly.

I can't tell you that I am completely sympathetic with the woman who birthed C & A, or that the idea of them going back to family doesn't make my stomach hurt a little. But what I can tell you is that I see something in this whole situation that reminds me of what we ALL need in our own lives...grace, love, and redemption.

So today we are trying to love big, leave the details to Him, and know that He will prepare our hearts for whatever is on His agenda. Today, we are still on Plan A.