Thursday, January 17, 2013

Plan A

"I didn't do anything awful. I know it seems like I'm horrible but I'm really not."

I looked at her in the parking lot of childrens services and tried to think of a good response for C & A's biological mother. I really don't think shes awful, I just think she makes awful choices. We landed there to see her unexpectedly a week ago, she's been completely absent so when we got the call that she surfaced for a visit I was surprised.

"I know...I's ok...really, everything is going to be ok." It's all I could get out even though I was trying to form something more profound, and even though there has been several times over the past month that I've wanted to grab this chick by the shoulders and shake her.

It was finally real, she was finally in front of me, and it finally sank in that they are not mine...right now they are hers. (His really, but you know what I mean.)

All the valid points and accusations I had tucked in my greater than thou pocket disappeared.

For some reason in that moment all the frustration faded and all I felt was sadness. Sadness when she turned around to barely kiss them and C started crying. Sadness when I watched a broken woman walk away without a care. And sadness when I had to pull the car over and get in the back and hold a 5yr old as she grieved over what felt like another abandonment after months of not seeing her.

I am a attached mother. I love the kids in my home with all my being and I would do anything to protect them. That includes the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't.

Back in the day I said we were in this journey to foster and hopefully at some point be blessed to keep one (or two). But it turns out that I don't think I know how to foster without getting attached. Without loving them like my own. Without thinking of the possible future and them being taken from the first family they've ever really known.

I don't know how to put my mothering heart in neutral and just take it a day at a time.

It's funny to me how in the beginning I was buying baby blankets, washing Lincoln's carseat, and preparing to bond with a little one. I really envisioned us taking in a baby. I said we wanted what He wanted, but in my mind I was already planning our future. I wanted the transition to be smooth, I wanted that bonding to be natural, and I wanted our bio girls to ooh and ahh over a tiny little love just like they did with their brother. But instead, we got a rocky case with 2 little loves that need a family.

I am beyond thankful for how He pursues us with His perfect plan. For how He kept whispering that day that we needed to say yes to these little girls.

Will they only stay for months? Will they stay for good? I don't know. But you know what? Worrying about all of it is exhausting. We may very well love and have to let go. That's all part of it and He is teaching me to let go of my controlling ways. I have to trust Him. 

We are on Plan A, even though at times it has felt like an alternate route. I keep reminding myself that there is no Plan B with the Lord, just one perfect plan. There is no back-up plan waiting in case His doesn't come through just right. His sovereign Plan A is already perfect, even when its a surprise :).

I often feel like we are in the middle of a crazy and unstable season. But what we're really in the middle of is a broken situation, with a broken family, and broken lives, in a broken world. We all need Jesus so badly.

I can't tell you that I am completely sympathetic with the woman who birthed C & A, or that the idea of them going back to family doesn't make my stomach hurt a little. But what I can tell you is that I see something in this whole situation that reminds me of what we ALL need in our own lives...grace, love, and redemption.

So today we are trying to love big, leave the details to Him, and know that He will prepare our hearts for whatever is on His agenda. Today, we are still on Plan A.


Mama Ds Dozen said...

Great post! Thanks for sharing.

I am sure that your unexpected meeting with the birth mom was so hard . . . so sad . . . so uncomfortable. But, you did well. You didn't blast her. You didn't preach at her.

And . . . you pulled over the car when one of the Littles needed to know that you loved her. You could have waited until you got home. You could have asked her to stop crying. But, no, you pulled over . . . and loved her.

You are doing an AWESOME job of loving every one of the Little Ones that the Lord has brought through your front door.

I, too, never felt that I could do Foster Care. I couldn't imagine having to process the possible leaving. But, I gotta tell you (something I have told NO ONE). I think a LOT about Foster Care now. I won't be having any more bio. babies. :( I seriously cannot imagine adopting again. But . . . I know that I could take on some of the temporary cases, and pour my love into some Little Ones that need a place . . . for a day or two . . . for a weekend . . . for respite. My house seems nearly empty (with only 4 left at home). My heart has so much more love in it to give.

Enough rambling . . . someday I may share this with my hubby, too. :)

Love & Hugs!


Sarah said...

You. Are. Amazing.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thanks, ladies for your sweet encouragement. Although I think we are more crazy than amazing right now :).

Laurel, you could definitely foster! I think you would be perfect for it :).

Emily said...

I've tried to comment several times and I never know what to say. I love love what you are doing. I'm not in a place to foster right now. But maybe down the road. I have done respite care for some foster children and I fell in love hard. I got very attached. I think because of that I was able to love them so much more then if I had thought about the future and about loosing them. I love how you are embracing them and loving them. Praying for your family.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thank you so much, Emily! Really appreciate your sweet words. Sounds like you will be an amazing foster mom someday, you already know how easy it is to love them :)!

Marisa said...

Whew, Kate! Tearing up over here. What a great post about what we all need... grace, love and redemption. Love your heart!

Sarah said...

I can't read your posts anymore; I always cry!

I received papers from Warren County and can't bring myself to fill them out :( I am too emotional seeing foster care/residential treatment first hand at work and it makes me so so sad.

Gotta keep praying.

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