Friday, January 25, 2013

Love Wins

Can I just say real quick that I promise warm and fuzzy posts are coming soon? Maybe about Target, or Chickfila, or how I've started freezer cooking...I know, I'm growing up so fast.

But right now I want to write this down so I can remind myself tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, and next month. Love wins.

I mentioned on Facebook that we've been having a really hard time with A, which has been consuming a lot of my time. It's something that I've never experienced, and it is something that should never plague a 3yr old. It's also something that has made me feel like handing my phone number out to anyone and everyone who has ever taken in a hurting child so they can help me be a good mom to her. Even people on the internet. Any takers :)??? As a little 3yr old, her age is already working against her. Because you can tell her everything is ok, but she knows and remembers that things aren't always ok, even when people tell you they are.

And she's scared. Of basically everything.

They have lived their entire lives knowing that love doesn't always stay. It shows up, it breaks down, and it goes away. That's the ugly truth.

As we see the anxiety rise, and I don't feel like I am completely maxed out from the meltdowns, I try to rock this baby and tell her that we are here and that she is loved. I see her fear and can't help but feel that we are dealing with one specific thing: darkness vs. light.

I'm sorry if that sounds "out there". But the more I deal with this little girl, the more I see that we are in the middle of a battle. For so long the enemy was able to have a grip on their lives, and for so long they lived in a dark spot. As a friend reminded me, "the enemy is prowling around those girls because he no longer has full access to them. But victory is won, so claim the victory!" Don't ya just love friends who boldly speak the truth in your life?? So as a result, I have never felt the urgency to constantly pray over a child like I do A - as she struggles we continue to ask Jesus for healing and peace. And the more we pray, the more we see His love pouring out over this whole situation.

Love wins.

Now honestly, I've had some ugly moments. I'm not proud of some of the thoughts in my head, or the things that have come out of my mouth sometimes when Eric and I stand in the living room at 2am with her as she cries. I'm not proud of how easily I could give up sometimes. Pushing through and having to CHOOSE to love through the ugly is one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do.

But I am being constantly reminded that love heals.

I won't go into boring details, and by "boring details" I mean "make-you-completely-crazy-and-angry-at-the-system details", but there is a very distant family member asking for a home study so they can take the girls. Does that make me super comfortable? Nope. Do I think it's best? Not at the moment. But is it what we signed up for? Apparently. That is all probably months away though, and who knows if or when it will come to pass. I know He is already there waiting to help us face whatever comes, and show us what is best for us and for them.

We let C start into Awana with our other girls a couple weeks ago. She has never really been in church until she came here, and she really didn't have an understanding of much at all. But the other morning she was eating breakfast and said, "Guess what, mom!? God so loved the world! He really did!". Made me smile, she was so excited that she memorized just a tiny part. Makes this all so worth it.

If they have to leave at some point, at least they will take a little bit of Jesus with them :).

I feel them becoming part of us, but the more I talk to the caseworker, the more I see the possibility of them staying slipping further and further away. Which again, is part of fostering. So we'll just take all of this new stuff one day at a time, ask Jesus to bring light into the dark, ask for anyone and everyone to pray for our sweet A, and somehow still laugh together at this crazy season after bedtime.

Fostering has already been one of the most refining times in my life. Having the opportunity to love them and help them heal is without a doubt grace in my own life, even when it's HARD.

We love them. He loves them more. And His love wins, no matter what happens.


Kelly said...

Hi Kate,
I'm keeping you all in my prayers. What a blessing you and your family are to these girls!!

Adrienne Kleeman said...

As a fellow foster mom with her own boring details that would drive people crazy... I am praying for you....
Adrienne Kleman

Ricki said...

Love this! I cried through it, but I love it! Thank you so much for sharing your heart, and for sharing Jesus with these sweet babes. Prayers and hugs for you!

funfavorites said...

Tears, I'm praying for your sweet family and for those precious girls.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thanks for your encouragement, ladies!

Sarah said...

"God so loved the world! He really did!" precious. What a difference you're making in their lives!

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Praying and crying with you. Thank you for letting us walk this with you. Love your heart and your honesty.

Mama Ds Dozen said...

I would love to give you my phone number, so that you can call me anytime you need to talk to someone that understands parenting hurt children. Been there; done that.

Hugs to you, my friend.

mama of 12

Clever Blonde -Donna G said...

Thank you for sharing with us Kate. You are a gift. I'm continually amazed with how He gathers folk to pray right across the world at times right when it's needed. I was praying for you all a few days ago and felt led to pray specifically for the little ones. I claimed them for Jesus and felt Him show me the things you are sowing will be with them forever. Thank you for loving them so much. Thank you for all the late nights you give them. Thank you for the washing you do. Thank you for telling them about Jesus. Thank you for filling them up with His love. I also thought it would be nice to hear a Target story too! Lol but they need you more than we need you ATM. Love and hugs

Marisa said...

Praying for strength and insight as you continue to walk through this journey. Thank you for sharing your heart!