Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Love Big

So I turned 32 over the weekend. And you know what? It doesn't feel much different than 31 :).

And my anxious-flyer self even hopped on a flight home all by myself on Sunday. I know, I'm growing up so fast.

I spent the weekend in Atlanta with some friends at the Created For Care retreat for foster and adoptive moms. We spent 48 hours talking about how to "love big" when it comes to our kids and through the ups and downs of parenting kiddos from hard places. Lot's of info and lot's to take in, but it was really good :).

It also ended up being a much needed reminder that He is still pursuing me, as I pursue a new normal for my family right now. It's SO easy to get lost in the shuffle of day to day life as a mom, and it was really refreshing to remember that I am part of the story too - that my heart matters to Him as well. Goodness, that is so easy to forget when you are giving yourself completely to these little loves day in and day out!

My mommy heart had been struggling so much from carrying the weight of our situation. I do not like crying in public, but I could not keep composure in some of these sessions, friends. I have been so fearful of loving big and losing time and time again - but lately I have started to feel a release from that. I just feel this peace about loving as much as we can, even though the future isn't clear. Because if we don't love these kids, then who will? And if we don't love in the darkness of this world, then what use are we as Christians?

He is faithful and with us every step of the way. That's all I could ask for in this mommy journey.

Last week I had a Dr appointment for A. I know I've mentioned that we have been worried about some things going on with her, and I believe we have found some reasons. The issues seem a tad bigger than just delays, and the team at our childrens hospital believe that she is actually having seizures - at night and several during the day in the form of what looks like a total "zone out".

So. Huge deep breaths. (And maybe some wine.) Both seem to help.

Monday morning we have an EEG scheduled for her and we are praying for the best - that they aren't seizures, and that things are better than they seem. But if they are indeed exactly what they seem? That's ok too. His plan is the best plan for our journey. I feel at total peace about that.

We saw the mom last week and I'm still feeling that compassionate feeling inside me for her, even though I hate her choices. She grew up much like her kids are, and I have to literally force myself not to embrace her when she talks about it. Because friends, I just want to hug this woman for some reason. I think I'm about to cross the line of what I "should" be doing, to what I feel like He would want me to do. And that is to love as big as we can for as long as we can - and right now I feel like that includes the kids and her.

We'll see where that goes.

Like I've said, I may get burned, but I don't think choosing to love someone who needs it is ever a bad thing. Jesus loves me even though I don't deserve it, and that is what I keep thinking of when I think of her.

And honestly, I have been seeing that there is a possibility that He led us here to just love, maybe not adopt. I don't view it as loving and losing anymore, I view it as loving as many as we can for as long as He lets us. I need to let go of my plans and embrace His perfect story for our family. Adding a little one forever would just be a bonus :).

In other news, we have a school carnival this weekend, it will be a first for C. I can not even begin to tell you how excited this child is to do the "cake walk". Makes me smile! Although I think we could go into cake overload if all the children play - gotta have boundaries, people.

But really, are boundaries even realistic when it comes to cake?

So anyway, that's kind of what we've been up to. I'm determined to get the laundry completely done and put away today after being gone all weekend. But let's be honest, relaxing with the kids sounds SO much better :).

Back soon!


April said...

You can have boundaries with family, friends, at work, with your kids, etc., etc.... but you can NEVER have boundaries with cake!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Amen, sister!

Jennifer said...

Keep sharing his truth and loving others like He wants us to...not what society tells us is the "right" or "wrong" way. Proud lady, really proud!

Jeni said...

Yay for loving Big for however long you have :).

Romberg Family said...

My daughter had those seizures! They are called absence seizures. She's been on medication for 2 years now and will go off it this summer. If thats what she has, they eventually grow out of it! Good luck at the dr!

Thoughts for the day said...
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Thoughts for the day said...

The zone out 'thing' could be a sort of disassociation, because of trauma in her previous life. Some kids zone as a safety net, or a sort of a way to 'stay protected' you might talk to a child therapist or read about it.
Just a suggestion I am not a doctor and am not giving advice.
I am just a grandma who knows a few things.

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Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Yay for loving big! So hard but such a gift when we can let go and let Him love through us. Hmm, cake. We were just talking about the myth that things like cake scented candles " curb cravings." Between that conversation and this post, I foresee a cake baking session in my future. ;)

trooppetrie said...

there are times that fear consumes me and I can do nothing but cry. I know my boys are mine but until it is final I let fear have control. Recently I have felt that same calmness. praying for test results

Colleen said...

I hope the EEG went okay. That glue they used is very strong and stinky. I wish I had seen your post prior to your appt so I could give you a few tips that worked for my two youngest. If you're still having trouble getting the glue off her scalp the following worked wonders for us: take conditioner and slather it all over slightly towel dried hair (you don't want water dripping) then wrap head with plastic wrap & let it sit for 15 minutes or longer. Comb out the conditioner and rinse.

Colleen said...

I forgot to say that if it is seizures then at least you know and treatment can start. You will take one day at a time just like you already are. It will be okay. I hope you find answers for the sweet little honey. Deep breaths always help...we're 4 years in on a long medical journey of the unknown for our 2 youngest. Deep breaths. You're doing great!!!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thank you SO, so much! For the encouragement, the tips, and for making me feel hopeful :). Our appt is Monday, I will update soon!