Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A Little Season Of Change

Again, where is the time going in between posts?? I'm waiting on that energy rush of the 2nd trimester, although I'm not seeing any signs of it :). I'm about 15 weeks and feeling better, just sooooo tired, friends.

But anyway.

C and A are officially leaving. There has been a unexpected turn of events in their case and they will be going back to their mother here in a couple weeks. I could drop a 1000 details that would make you want to ask children's services a 1000 questions, but believe me, I've asked all those questions. Twice.

I don't believe that this is the best possible scenario. And to sum it up for you easily I will just say this; I'm a little worried. But I'm also at peace with what God is doing here. It's a strange combo of feelings. The truth be told, we have never felt like God completely gave them to us, even though we loved them like our own. We never felt total confirmation that we would get to be their forever family, and I truly knew deep in my mamas heart that she would be their mom, not me.

We visited their mom last night in the hospital after she delivered another sibling. I spent so much time judging and feeling shocked over that pregnancy. But when the girls climbed up in that bed and I saw a shell of a family that has a long road ahead, the tears just started coming. She is their mother, she's the one that God chose for them, and she is under the same umbrella of grace that I am. She, like all of us, needs second chances. Even when it doesn't seem to make sense. I am pulled to love her because I love those girls.

Sometimes foster care is about adoption, but for the most part, it is about helping rebuild families who are limping through life. And that is something that you will never regret being a part of. I always said that I wanted to walk away (with or without the girls) saying we gave her every chance and encouraged her as much as we could, and I feel like we can do that.

It's a roller coaster of emotions. Actually, combined with pregnancy hormones, its been more like a tsunami of emotions :).

Don't get me wrong, our hearts are hurting as we let go, but we are so very thankful for the 9 months that we have been able to love them.  Even though we are losing, we are still not left empty handed. This has been one of the biggest spiritual and soul searching journeys of my entire life. We took in what we said we wouldn't, and we faced issues that we said we couldn't handle. God used that to stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed. I see the system in a whole new light, and I have seen brokenness that I didn't know existed. If God had not let us walk this, my eyes would have never been opened.

It's been a great reminder that God doesn't give us what we want, He gives us what we need.

Getting to be their mama this past year was grace. Merciful, and hopeful grace.

We are going to spend the next couple weeks loving them and trying to figure out what the old way of things looked like. We are looking so forward to finding out the gender of our new little love, (next month!!) and we are praying that He clearly shows us what our next step is in this foster care world.

This chapter with C & A is coming to a close. We are super excited to see what He has in store for our little family as we continue on. I would love any prayers for us all, especially for C and A as we transition them back into a completely different environment. Pray for protection and healing and hope, ok? I would so appreciate it!


Thoughts for the day said...

How terribly hard and confusing it will be for them. Yet I know no matter how bad she was at one time she is their mom and they know it too. Psychologists will often say, children will ask to be returned to the parent who hurt them, simply because they are the parent. I don't understand it but it is true.
Praying for all of you and perhaps even you continuing to be a mentor for her and keeping 'them' close in your life even if it is occasionally and over night stay. I think that could be a win/win for everyone. Instead of a permanent good bye.

our4monkeys said...

We are about to say goodbye to our little guy and I know it's going to be so, so hard. The house will be "quiet" without his squeals of laughter and constant babbling. However, I know deep in my heart, that it is what is best for him. Your post brought me to tears thinking about how God has changed my heart (as well as yours) through this journey. My eyes have been opened to a world and to a people that I often judged and made me see that they are a hurting people, just like me. They are sinners, just like me. They need Christ, just like me. Praying for you all...

Mama Ds Dozen said...

Prayers headed your way. :)

You have done a wonderful job of loving these precious girls, as well as all of your own. I know without a shadow of doubt that God will use the love you've shown, in these girls lives for many years to come.

Had to laugh at "our little family ". You passed up "little" quite awhile ago. :)

Rejoicing with you for all that He has done, in you and through you this season. Praying that He will continue to guide you all as you move forward in His plan.

Hugs & Prayers,

mama of 12

Marcella{The Life After "Trust Me"} said...

Many prayers and hugs for you Kate. I know I keep saying that, but I truly mean it every time.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

You ladies are so great. Thankful for your sweet encouragement!

Anonymous said...

Will definitely be praying for you. I really feel that God is using your stories and outlook on life to teach and remind so many of us about His Grace, thanks for sharing

trooppetrie said...

heart breaking for you and wanting this momma to realize what a blessing she has been given back. I have to say this is one of my biggest fears. We have had our boys 2 years. There mom had another baby last November and it sounds horrible but I think it is keeping her busy enough to not care