Thursday, February 28, 2013

I'm A Fixer

It is my personality to want to fix things, especially when it comes to my children. Kids having problems? I'll take care of it. Friend needs some support? I'll be there. Laundry is out of control? I've got a system to handle it.

But I can't fix this. And He is teaching me that I shouldn't be trying to put every piece back together in any broken situation all by myself. He is the One that restores. He is the One that heals. And He is the One that makes sense of the storms.

Goodness, this has all been a tad consuming. I feel like I spend a lot of my time praying, "Lord, is it your plan for us to keep these girls? Or are You planning to rebuild their bio family? Should I do this? Should I do that? PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER!"

Ahem. Sorry. Clearly my patience isn't great.

C has been struggling. Its just plain and simple. She is sad, and I can tell that her little 5 year old thoughts are elsewhere. She has been here almost 3 months, she is confused about her mom, and she wants me to make the hurting stop. She wants me to explain why she never comes to see her, and she wants me to fix it. But I can't - and I hate that.

So I stand in this confusing space of wanting to reach out to the mom and show her grace, and wanting to come across the table at the her during our next visit. Just being honest.

I can tell that C wants to love me, yet she keeps me at an arms length some of the time. She needs me, but she's not sure she can trust me. We have this constant power struggle, I want the natural relationship to be there, but the bottom line is that it just takes time. All things that are worth while take time. Our foster worker (who I love) told me something last week that keeps haunting me...

"She's waiting for you to leave."

That's a sobering truth for me. So this past week I have spent a lot of time reassuring, and I have spent a lot of time tucking her in and saying, "you know I'm here for good, right? I'm not going anywhere." We are making progress, but I must confess that having a child reject your love and ask for a woman who has basically abandoned her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

(I know it's all part of foster care. Feel free to jump in here with all the experience that you might have with attachment problems)

I can't fix it, but I know He can in His timing. Even though its a mess right now, I can also say that it has been the biggest lesson in unconditional love for me. I can hate the mom all I want, but the bottom line is her sin is no different than my sin in the Lords eyes - hers is just more public. There are not only kids that need homes, but there are families that need hope.

We are supposed to see her today, it will only be the 2nd time in 12 weeks that she has come. I can already tell you that C is going to feel abandoned again, and that it will be a hard day for her. So please pray for her little heart, I would really appreciate it!

I want to put all the pieces back together, but that's not my job. My job is to love unconditionally and try to share Jesus in any way I can while we have them. His promises aren't empty, He will bring beauty from ashes in all of this - that is about the only thing I'm currently sure of :).


Tina Michelle said...

2 times in 12 weeks? oh my heart. :( Keep trying. Keep praying. Keep being there!

Double the Giggles said...

You're completely amazing an so inspiring. What an excellent example of a what a maternal figure should truly be for these little lost girls.

Sarah Halstead said...

Oh man. How difficult. I am praying for her and for you. You are amazing and inspiring!!

The Sneaky Mommy said...

So sad! I can't imagine the difficulty in all of this--yet your most clear goal is still the love of Jesus! Thank you for being a willing servant--praying you'll be filled with a lot of extra patience and unconditional love today!

Mama Ds Dozen said...

Oh how I know attachment issues. So sad. So hard.

Keep loving the girls. Keep showing love and grace to the mom (even if your "feelings" are not there). Keep praying for every member of the family.

One concern, though, gotta be honest: You cannot promise that you will always "be here for her", because the state may decide that SHE has to leave, even though you have no intention of abandoning the girls. If the girls are pulled out of your home, it will feel like abandonment. I would suggest promising to "always love her", "always pray for her", but not to "always be there for here". You desperately WANT to always be there for her; but that is not your decision to make. Hard. I know.

Praying for YOU as you walk this most difficult journey!


mama of 12

Christine said...

Her hesitation to bond with you is the very thing that will keep her safe when others do let her down. It's like a natural protection. Does that make sense? It's served her well in the past so that is the only way she knows to feel safe from disappointment. It's really not about you and it will take time.

shadedjade said...

Keep doing what you're doing. I am a CASA/Guardian Ad Litem for the juvenile court system--does she have a CASA assigned to her? From experience with my own children with abandonment & attachment issues,and from experience with CASA, keep giving them consistent love & your "thereness". I think it's okay for you to tell her you will always be there. I have foster families that ARE STILL always there for their former foster children, and they just keep coming back to foster mom for love & advice & holidays & love & acceptance & more love. You can still be that for her, and she will always remember you for it. Something else I've matter what they've done & how much they've hurt their children, kids will always long for their parents, and always hunger for their love & acceptance. Even when it's bad for them. Just keep doing what you're doing. You are meant to do this!

Thoughts for the day said...

When I was in therapy as an adult my counselor said "children have a desire to be loved by the parent who they lived with, no matter how horrible they were to them, they want their parents." so it makes sense she is feeling sad and abandoned. It is a horrible experience for a child. You keep on being consistent. Keep on being loving. Keep on being kind and parental and in time, they will return the 'favor'. It is just a huge adjustment for them. I am praying you might be able to adopt them they seem to 'fit' in very well in your family.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all your encouraging words! I so appreciate your wisdom and insight!

trooppetrie said...

this week my boy said I do not want to live with you. I do not want to live in NC, I want to live in SC. I lost it, where did he learn that. Broke my heart. I cannot imagine him not being with us. Poor babies heart is broke and it is going to take a long time to heal

Anonymous said...

We're doing a week of respite. Our first placement since the end of a 2 year placement with a sad, sad ending. Hard for me and even harder for my dear daughter who loves each who come into our home so fully.

Keep your heart tender. God will guide us. :)

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thanks for a bit of your story, it's things like that that keep me going :). And yes, He will guide us!

Anonymous said...

I am a foster mum in Australia. It is so hard when a child is let down yet again by birth parents. I give permission for the child to be angry with mom and reassure them that mom wanted to be there but has adult problems that stop her from being a mom right now. The hardest thing in my experience is seeing a child being abandoned over and over by their birth mother. I had two little girls who had 25 different placements in four years!
We do not have foster to adopt here so every placement is temporary.