It is my personality to want to fix things, especially when it comes to my children. Kids having problems? I'll take care of it. Friend needs some support? I'll be there. Laundry is out of control? I've got a system to handle it.
But I can't fix this. And He is teaching me that I shouldn't be trying to put every piece back together in any broken situation all by myself. He is the One that restores. He is the One that heals. And He is the One that makes sense of the storms.
Goodness, this has all been a tad consuming. I feel like I spend a lot of my time praying, "Lord, is it your plan for us to keep these girls? Or are You planning to rebuild their bio family? Should I do this? Should I do that? PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER!"
Ahem. Sorry. Clearly my patience isn't great.
C has been struggling. Its just plain and simple. She is sad, and I can tell that her little 5 year old thoughts are elsewhere. She has been here almost 3 months, she is confused about her mom, and she wants me to make the hurting stop. She wants me to explain why she never comes to see her, and she wants me to fix it. But I can't - and I hate that.
So I stand in this confusing space of wanting to reach out to the mom and show her grace, and wanting to come across the table at the her during our next visit. Just being honest.
I can tell that C wants to love me, yet she keeps me at an arms length some of the time. She needs me, but she's not sure she can trust me. We have this constant power struggle, I want the natural relationship to be there, but the bottom line is that it just takes time. All things that are worth while take time. Our foster worker (who I love) told me something last week that keeps haunting me...
"She's waiting for you to leave."
That's a sobering truth for me. So this past week I have spent a lot of time reassuring, and I have spent a lot of time tucking her in and saying, "you know I'm here for good, right? I'm not going anywhere." We are making progress, but I must confess that having a child reject your love and ask for a woman who has basically abandoned her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.
(I know it's all part of foster care. Feel free to jump in here with all the experience that you might have with attachment problems)
I can't fix it, but I know He can in His timing. Even though its a mess right now, I can also say that it has been the biggest lesson in unconditional love for me. I can hate the mom all I want, but the bottom line is her sin is no different than my sin in the Lords eyes - hers is just more public. There are not only kids that need homes, but there are families that need hope.
We are supposed to see her today, it will only be the 2nd time in 12 weeks that she has come. I can already tell you that C is going to feel abandoned again, and that it will be a hard day for her. So please pray for her little heart, I would really appreciate it!
I want to put all the pieces back together, but that's not my job. My job is to love unconditionally and try to share Jesus in any way I can while we have them. His promises aren't empty, He will bring beauty from ashes in all of this - that is about the only thing I'm currently sure of :).