From Us...

Just wanted to pop in and say Merry Christmas!

We had a relaxing day at home with the kids, just what I wanted to do. I even got some stuff together for our little guy that is on the way very soon! Less than 3 weeks till I can kiss his sweet face :).

So from our crew to yours...

So much grace in that picture.

Hope you all had a great day celebrating with your friends and family!

Hugs and love to you all!

The Mommy Quiz

Because I was ripped from my sleep at 4am this morning by a little voice saying "my tummy hurts", followed by a lot of throwing up.
And because my 2yr old is chasing my 5yr old yelling "I not butt-head! I not butt-head!".
And because my bladder has completely turned it's back on my pregnant body.
And because I am determined to find joy and laughter amidst this insane, crazy, and unpredictable journey of motherhood.

We are going to laugh.

And take an updated Mommy Quiz. Again. You may remember some of it from back in the day.

These are the questions of our lives. Or maybe just my life. You can decide.

1.) You go out for a morning run (that now has become a waddle, and you feel that the neighbors have started getting up early to watch this kind of entertainment out their windows), and upon arrival home you have 4 minutes before you need to wake the children. Do you...
A. Brush your teeth
B. Take the worlds quickest shower
C. Wait 5 minutes till the baby starts screaming then shower with him on your hip.
D. Wait till all the children are up and available to stand in the bathroom to confirm you have no privacy.

2.) Breakfast is over for the kids and now you have 90 seconds to eat something before the first fight of the day breaks out over who holds the remote. Do you...
A. Eat the leftover scraps from the table.
B. Eat the half eaten granola bar that's in your pocket from yesterday (Yes, you have the same pants on. And yes, they are sweat pants).
C. Pray that Starbucks has started delivering breakfast to moms across the nation at 8am every morning.
D. Eat Cheerios out of the no spill bowl that you poured for your toddler while another child hangs on your leg.

3.) There are 47 loads of laundry to do and only 24 hours in the day. Do you...
A. Pack the washer way beyond capacity and pray that the water reaches every piece.
B. Drag it all to goodwill and start over.
C. Eat a donut.
D. Ignore it and wait for your imaginary cleaning lady to show up. (Just FYI, she ain't ever coming.)

4.) 3 of your kids have basketball. The oldest has practice at 5:30 and the middle 2 have practice at 6pm. They all need to eat 1 hour before and will want to eat again within 1 hour of being home. Then all 7 kids need baths before the 1st bedtime at 7:15 and the 2nd bedtime at 7:45 which is basically impossible. And speaking of impossible, you're huge because you're a million weeks pregnant, so bending over the bath to bathe the children isn't an option. How do you go about all this without losing your mind?

Explain your answer & show your work.

5.)  "Me time" is now defined as...
A. Sitting in the car by yourself during basketball practice.
B. A root canal on a sunny afternoon.
C. Walking to the mailbox.
D. All of the above.

6.) Your foster care worker shows up unexpectedly and rings the doorbell during naptime and WAKES THE BABY AND TODDLER. Do you...
A.) Punch him in the face.
B.) Kick him in the shins.
C.) Make him trade jobs for a day now that he's made yours harder.
D.) Take deep breaths similar to those while in labor to cool down before opening the door.

7.) You were just ripped from your sleep by (please note that the offender is subject to a don't-wake-mama outburst followed by a heartfelt & half-asleep apology)...
A. A child who has peed in their bed
B. A child who has peed in your bed
C. A child who has thrown up in their bed
D. A child who has thrown up in your bed

8.) When driving alone in the car Dora the Explorer comes on your Ipod and it takes you how long to change it...
A. 5 seconds
B. 10 seconds
C. 15 seconds
D. Before you know it, you realize you are at a stop light with the window rolled down and you have sang along to the whole song. (You know you don't know any adult songs anymore.)

9.) You tell the children to sit at the table quietly, but it translates into kid language as...
A. Run around the table till someone falls and cries.
B. Act like your sippy cups are bowling balls.
C. Say you aren't eating what is cooking before you've even seen it.
D. Start making fake crying noises because mom hasn't heard enough actual crying and whining today.

10.) 67 is...
A. The amount of times someone yelled "mom!" in the past 10 minutes.
B. How many diapers you changed this week.
C. The amount you spent at Target after going in for only 1 thing that cost $3.99.
D. The amount of times you've said this week that your van should have one of those dividers that can go up and down like in a limo.

11.) You can't get anywhere on time. For this you blame...
A. Shoes that won't tie themselves.
B. Someone inevitably always having to go potty the moment you're ready to walk out the door and after all their winter gear is on.
C. Pregnancy hormones.
D. Not being able to find your car keys that have been clipped to YOUR OWN belt loop for the past 20 minutes.

12.) While on the phone, one of the children is saying, "mom...mom...mama...mommy...mom...mama". Their important question is...
A. How tall are you?
B. Can turtles jump?
C. Is Ohio a country?
D. Can you flush a barbie doll?

(Insert me banging my head against the nearest wall after that last one.)

13.) You still have 45 minutes till the husband gets home. 3 children are fighting, 3 are crying, 1 has the TV volume turned up to 84, and the 1 inside of you has a foot in your ribs. (HOW ARE THERE SO MANY OF THEM. Don't answer that.) Do you...
A. Consider scheduling a tubal.
B. Consider scheduling a vasectomy.
C. Eat another donut.
D. Call your mom and apologize for anything you ever did as a child.
*Bonus option!*
E. All of the above.

14.) While changing clothes, with all the kids in your room of course, you hear...
A. Total silence. Just stares, wide eyes and looks of confusion and wonder on their face. You might get an occasional self esteem boosting, "you're really big" or "what is that???".

Please note that the test administrator decided there was only one answer for the above question.

(Its shocking that mothers get out of bed in the morning sometimes, isn't it?)

15.) You're life is...
A. Busy, but so blessed.
B. Completely exhausting, but fulfilling.
C. Chaotic, but packed full of sweetness.
D. All of the above.

Sigh, what would I do with all my extra time if I didn't have to answer these pressing questions all day long :)?

Tired, but thankful.

My Baby Girls

Kinley and Raya have turned 5!

(And yes, I back dated this post so it would be on their actual birthday. Because I'm crazy.)

These sweet girls bless our family more than I can even put into words. They are twins, yet they are so different. Love how they are unique in their own ways. These girls changed our family forever 5 years ago. This second set of twins changed our perspective on our family, we started to realize that our plans were not His plans, and that our family would grow beyond what we had ever planned or imagined :).

Kinley is a free spirit. She is outgoing, vibrant, funny, and always having a good time. She keeps us laughing and she is probably one of our most compassionate kiddos. Her wild curly hair matches her personality, but for her pictures this year she wanted me to straighten it, and she was IN LOVE.

Sigh, she is a treasure.

Raya is my serious girl. She is detailed, smart, and loves to play games. She asks tons of questions, she is by far our most inquisitive child. She is giving, and sweet, and loves to cuddle. She has always loved to be by my side. I carried her in a carrier well into my pregnancy with Lincoln, and she still to this day is a mama's girl.

Oh my heart. How did these baby girls grow so fast??

Love them, and am so excited to see what God has in store for them with each coming year!

Happy Birthday, my little ladies! Your mama loves you more than you could ever imagine :).

Crazy Beautiful

Well, time flies when things get reeeaaallly busy!

As some of you might have seen on Facebook, we have grown...and obviously, we are about to grow again. A few days after my last post we took in a little boy. We got a call about this sweet baby who was in our local NICU, and things have not been the same since.

That night I drove my pregnant self down there and scooped up this teeny, sweet, little babe. And oh my heart...

Look at those feet! He's been with us for almost 2 months now. And as you can imagine, he's getting a lot of love over here :).

He's such a sweetie. Innocent, and super snuggly. You should come to the store with me and see the confusion that he and my very pregnant belly causes. It's priceless. I've had some interesting conversations.

There is a lot going on. There are things that we didn't expect at all, which is why I've been off the radar for a while. We have been in and out of the hospital a ton - learning about all kinds of medical stuff, and how to care for him. Life has been and still is somewhat of a whirlwind while we figure things out. It's been a whole new world to us, but it's been worth it. So, so worth it. 

I feel that the Lord has drawn us SO close to Himself these last 2 months, and that has been one of the sweetest parts of this whole season.

It doesn't make a lot of sense, and it is a season I never imagined we'd be in, but it is beautiful. Crazy, unexpected, hard, but beautiful. He has been faithful through every step. I'm so thankful that He is letting us love him, he is such a little gift to our growing family. 

So at the moment, I am full of new life, and I am full of emotions over this little boy. Taking it all one day at a time, because thats all the Lord asks us to do.

Thankful for the journey. Grateful for His grace. And looking forward to what He has planned.

We are all doing great, and the kiddos are vibrant as usual. I did some family pictures last week, all that is missing from this pic is the new babe. I like to call this our "waiting on you" picture :)...

Only 7-8 more weeks till delivery, how is that even possible?! I can't wait to have us all together, I want this new baby in my arms safe and sound. And look, I straightened Kinley's hair, isn't it SO long??? She loves it like that, says she feels like Rapunzel. 

So thats all for now, just wanted to pop in and give an update now that things have "slowed" down a tad. Thanks for hanging around our craziness, friends :).

The Round Up

Ok, this is officially the longest I've ever gone in between blog posts. But I think we are finally starting to surface after a busy couple months and a handful of curve balls :).

You know those seasons when you start to forget the last time you had a full conversation with anyone over the age of 9? Well we are there. Anyone else there too? Awesome. Let me just give you a hug and remind us all that someday far, far away the children will grow up, we will surface from underneath the laundry pile, and we will frolic in our new found freedom.

(No we won't.) (Yes we will.)

Ok maybe we'll "miss this stage" just a little :).

I know. Her hair. It's magical. Advice on products for insanely curly hair is welcome.

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I have been loving time with Lincoln in the mornings during preschool. Like, really loving it. Soaking him in and playing one on one, it's been fun and a much needed season for us. Kinley and Raya love preschool, they are at the same place A was at last year - which has been hard on some mornings when my pregnancy hormones are in complete overdrive.

Life after a long term placement has proved to be interesting. Which I think is why I seem to be flying below the radar lately. I'd like to answer this foster care question that I've gotten a lot recently, "How do you give them back and how do you let go after so long???"

The answer? You don't.

You never let go of how you loved someone. My heart will always have a place for those 2 girls, the ones that literally rocked my world for almost a year with good times and reeeeaaallly hard times. There is a part of me that will always feel like their mother, and there are times when I want to see them really bad so I can just make sure they are ok. I've had days when I wanted to stay in bed all day because the situation they went back to haunted my heart so deeply - thankfully, I had sisters walking me through it who spoke truth and reminded me of His faithfulness. We really feel at peace with what happened, and even though I worry about them and I have my moments of "what if's, and should have's, and could have's", I feel that everything happened just the way He intended. The Lord helps you let go of your plan and reminds you that His plan is best. But the love and the story will always be in my heart...there is no letting go of that part :).

So. That was a little heavy. Sorry about that, folks.

Moving on.

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We have started throwing some names around for babe #7. And while we have a few we like, we can't come to a conclusion. Not that we need to immediately. Eric doesn't like picking names early because he says I tend to change my mind after fully committing to a name. After all, you do remember the great name debate we had in 2004, right? You don't? Well let me fill you in.

Eric thinks that I waited till he left the hospital to name Ella. He says that the other name we had in mind was the one we were definitely going to use, but then he says I put "Ella" on the birth certificate instead when he went home to take a shower.

Not true, friends. Not. True.

He does still hold me to that though, and he is still wrong. We had come to a conclusion to name her Ella, he just forgot that at some point during MY 24 hours of labor. That's my side of the story people, and I'm sticking to it.

So clearly we could always use some help in the name department. I'd love a name as strong and manly as Lincoln. Any ideas??

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So that's about it. Nothing insanely exciting or new, just normal life in these parts. We are sitting outside and enjoying this crisp, beautiful weather today - I truly could not love Fall more than I do.

Back soon! And I mean it this time :).

My Boys

 

Lincoln is getting a brother!

It's a boy :).

10 Things As You Start School

My sweet (growing so fast) girls, remember those 10 things we talked about last year? With school starting, and the busyness of the season upon us, I feel that we need to talk about them again. They change a tad as you change, of course. I know that you won't always want or welcome my advice, so I will try to refrain from constantly blurting out my opinions as you continue to grow.

I said I'll TRY, I can't promise anything.

We are always ready for school by the time it rolls around, but I think for every mom it's hard in that where-have-my-babies-gone kind of way. For me it's never about you being a year older, it's about how you change with each leap. The changing is the hardest for my mommy heart. Just know that I will always date back to your baby days, your innocent days, and your days when you actually wanted me walk you to your class...Miss Ella.

Look at all that 4yr old sweetness.

In the newness of this "older kids" season I have learned a lot. My life isn't all toddlers and babies like it once was. I've learned a lot this past year - both good and bad. I've learned a lot about waiting and listening. A lot about letting go. And a lot about how I try to control things that were never meant to be in my control.

Motherhood is humbling, girls. It's a journey of grace, and love, and joy, and pain, and sleepless nights. It's dancing in the rain, and soaking up the small stuff. It's this passion that runs so deep in my being that sometimes it's painful.

And just as I blink and remember being in my early 20's with my belly swollen with your newborn goodness, I also know I'll blink and we'll be ten years from now.

10 things, girls. 10 things that I want you all to remember as you start another year of school...

You are unique. Unique among your siblings, and unique among your peers. You won't be any good at being someone else, but you will be great at being you. Each of you have different passions and talents that make you stunning in His (and my) eyes. Embrace the beauty that God created when He knit you together. Inside and out.

Everyone is not doing it. Not everyone is acting that way. Not everyone talks like that. Not everyone is wearing that skimpy outfit. And not everyone thinks its cool. The only one you need to be following is Him. Otherwise, be a leader and a light.

You are worth it. You are worth that dream you want to chase, that goal you want to reach, and anything else your little hearts desire. You are worth waiting for, worth fighting for, and worth the respect of others (especially boys, my dears). You are worth it because He says so.

Don't be a gossip. You don't want to be that girl. It never ends well and it almost always comes back to bite you. Let your conversations be uplifting and encouraging to people around you. God wants your words to be full of grace.

Be Honest. To me, to yourself, to Him. Be upfront and tell it like it is. It's like telling someone their zipper is down, awkward at first, but better for everyone in the end.

Focus on your heart, not your appearance. Modesty is admirable. I have been shocked at the pressure on you young girls. Our culture can be nasty, be prepared to fight for what you know is true. The state of your heart is more important than your size, or choice in designer clothes - you are more important than a number. And at the end of the day, people want to be with someone who's heart is full of passion and joy, not with someone who only talks about her image or lack there of.

Love your sisters. Take a look around you, these ladies are your best friends. Look out for each other. They will be here when you are down and when you want to celebrate. They (along with myself) will sit in bed and eat pizza with you when you get your heart broken. It is an unbreakable bond, remember that when you pass each other in the hallway.

I am your mother, not your friend. This is a hard one for me because I really want you to like me and I know that sometimes you won't. For now though, it's my job to raise you. Study, do your homework, and make good choices in your friendships - if you don't, I will step in and be the bad guy (and we all know how much fun that is). We'll laugh and talk like girlfriends sometimes, but for the most part, I'm mom. I can't wait to have the grown up relationships with you that I have with your grandma.

Show unexplainable love & grace. Girls, remember the year we've had and those we have loved. Remember that no one in school would have ever guessed the horrible battles that C was fighting. And remember that you never know what the kid next to you is dealing with. Love people even when they're not your favorite people. Love the ones that no one wants to love. Everyone needs Him, and nothing trumps the grace that He has shown us. It truly is amazing grace, ladies - don't ever let anyone tell you different. Share it with everyone.

I'm here. Anytime you need me. Anytime you need to talk or cry or rejoice, I'm here. I want to know whats happening in your little world. I will wait for you to tell me and I'll try to accept the times that you don't. Just know that I hurt when you hurt, and I rejoice when you rejoice. Tell me all about life, about school, and about whats on your heart. I'll listen. Always.

I love ya, babes.

Yes, you'll always be my babies. And no, I won't call you that in front of your friends anymore.

There is nothing I wouldn't do, no fight I wouldn't fight, and no other earthly love like the one I have for you.  It is unique and mysterious and a gift from Him.

You ladies are a gift in so many ways. I am forever thankful for the bond we have. Here's to another school year. If you need me, I'll be in the car after drop off trying to figure out where the time has gone.

Love you so, so much,
Mama

This, That, And The Other Thing

Sometimes a list is a great option, yes?

- Summer is coming to an end, and the kiddos are literally climbing the walls with boredom. We have been to the pool a million times, run around outside, had craft days, etc. But now they are soooo booored, and there is nothing to doooo. So needless to say, we're all ready for a schedule.

School starts in 6 days. I love them deeply. But it's time. Before my hair turns grey.

- It has been chilly here lately. In the morning it can be a cool 52 degrees. And you know what that means for me, right? My Fall obsession can begin. Pumpkin everything, friends. I'll try to refrain from going completely crazy till September.

- Lincoln has this bear that he carries around everywhere. But he constantly has it in a choke hold and it cracks me up. I will keep that bear forever. And ever and ever.

- A little foster update... It's been almost 2 weeks since C & A left. Feels like they have been gone longer for some reason. We did get a call to let us know how everything is going a couple days ago from a caseworker - and honestly, it wasn't good. Things aren't great where they are. The family is just so broken, and the mother just is lost on how to be a parent, sometimes I don't know how or if they will rebuild. Deep breaths though, it's all part of foster care. I really believe He has a plan for their little lives.

- We got a dog. Because we have no boundaries. And because everyone in the house insisted that we NEEDED one. I don't even want to talk about it.

He is almost 2 and part of a breeding program for assistance dogs, so he's fully trained and really laid back. He gets a lot of attention and is insanely worn out at the end of the day. You understand.

- I am almost half way through the pregnancy!! Woohoo! We have our big ultrasound in 7 days. Not that I'm counting. And yes, we will be finding out the gender :).

- Baby #7 has just starting moving around enough for me to feel those little kicks. Oh my word, it never gets old. In every pregnancy I am always amazed at what a miracle this all is. Such grace right there in my (growing) belly.

- You know one thing that has kept the kids busy lately?? Rainbow Loom. The girls seriously love this craft. They've made tons of bracelets and such. We bought our kit at Michael's. Totally worth it.

- And just in case you're wondering, Kinley's curls combined with her bed-head is still reaching all kinds of awesome.

Love her.

So anyway, that's what we've been up up lately. Nothing super exciting, but it's been a good couple weeks with the fam. We are finding our "normal" again :).

Hope you all are having a great week!

A New Morning

I had planned on posting yesterday after the girls left, especially after some of your sweet encouragement on Facebook... which by the way, can we all just move to one neighborhood and live life together, drink coffee, laugh the cares away, and live happily ever after?

No? It was worth a try.

But I was so tired and emotionally drained that it was just better for everyone involved for me to take my tired self to bed. I guess it went exactly like I thought and nothing like I had planned. The CW took them as quickly as she brought them back in December, like we had not grown into a family or something.

And it was C's birthday, so there was also that.

Can I just spill my heart for a second? Honestly, I think it has been so difficult on me because I had to fight to be their mom. I was the role in their life that they didn't trust because of their past, and it forced me to put sweat and tears into building a bond. I have never had to fight for the love of a child, and if you want the truth, I hated it in the beginning. But that part about this journey has ended up being my greatest gift, it grew me in ways I didn't know I needed as a mother.

Love is hard sometimes, but it never comes back void. Even when you lose.

They taught me about loving regardless of the outcome, and giving away my heart even though I always knew in the end it was going to sting. They were a constant reminder to me that Jesus didn't say to love only when it's easy or when you won't get your heart broken, He just told us to love.

Love is always worth it. And I would do it again in a second.

I loved that snow day with the girls. It was the first time they had been sledding. We had only had them a couple weeks.

Our whole family said goodbye yesterday, not just me. People always wonder how that is on kids, or how they are dealing. And I can tell you that ours are doing great. They knew we were waiting for C & A's bio mom to get healthy, and even though they were sad, they showed excitement for them about being able to see her again. I was proud of them. I'm sure there were times that this year was hard on them - they had to share their things, make room for kids their own age, and watch Eric and I struggle through some hard times with the girls. But they also learned about relentless love and a never failing hope.

And I know God will use that in their lives. Like I said, we would do it again in a second.

And we may. Our hearts are still deeply in the system. We plan on still being involved, we are just going to wait for God to show us how. I think my heart is going to take a little hiatus from taking in older kids, mainly because my heart is still with the older ones who just left and I know we could get a call about them at any point.

But we'll see. Our line is open, and so are our hearts :).

Thank you, thank you, thank you for hanging around for my ramblings. I so appreciate the support and encouragement that you've shown us!

A Little Season Of Change

Again, where is the time going in between posts?? I'm waiting on that energy rush of the 2nd trimester, although I'm not seeing any signs of it :). I'm about 15 weeks and feeling better, just sooooo tired, friends.

But anyway.

C and A are officially leaving. There has been a unexpected turn of events in their case and they will be going back to their mother here in a couple weeks. I could drop a 1000 details that would make you want to ask children's services a 1000 questions, but believe me, I've asked all those questions. Twice.

I don't believe that this is the best possible scenario. And to sum it up for you easily I will just say this; I'm a little worried. But I'm also at peace with what God is doing here. It's a strange combo of feelings. The truth be told, we have never felt like God completely gave them to us, even though we loved them like our own. We never felt total confirmation that we would get to be their forever family, and I truly knew deep in my mamas heart that she would be their mom, not me.

We visited their mom last night in the hospital after she delivered another sibling. I spent so much time judging and feeling shocked over that pregnancy. But when the girls climbed up in that bed and I saw a shell of a family that has a long road ahead, the tears just started coming. She is their mother, she's the one that God chose for them, and she is under the same umbrella of grace that I am. She, like all of us, needs second chances. Even when it doesn't seem to make sense. I am pulled to love her because I love those girls.

Sometimes foster care is about adoption, but for the most part, it is about helping rebuild families who are limping through life. And that is something that you will never regret being a part of. I always said that I wanted to walk away (with or without the girls) saying we gave her every chance and encouraged her as much as we could, and I feel like we can do that.

It's a roller coaster of emotions. Actually, combined with pregnancy hormones, its been more like a tsunami of emotions :).

Don't get me wrong, our hearts are hurting as we let go, but we are so very thankful for the 9 months that we have been able to love them.  Even though we are losing, we are still not left empty handed. This has been one of the biggest spiritual and soul searching journeys of my entire life. We took in what we said we wouldn't, and we faced issues that we said we couldn't handle. God used that to stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed. I see the system in a whole new light, and I have seen brokenness that I didn't know existed. If God had not let us walk this, my eyes would have never been opened.

It's been a great reminder that God doesn't give us what we want, He gives us what we need.

Getting to be their mama this past year was grace. Merciful, and hopeful grace.

We are going to spend the next couple weeks loving them and trying to figure out what the old way of things looked like. We are looking so forward to finding out the gender of our new little love, (next month!!) and we are praying that He clearly shows us what our next step is in this foster care world.

This chapter with C & A is coming to a close. We are super excited to see what He has in store for our little family as we continue on. I would love any prayers for us all, especially for C and A as we transition them back into a completely different environment. Pray for protection and healing and hope, ok? I would so appreciate it!

Foster Care, Pregnancy, And Hormones

So Summer is keeping me super busy and away from all things internet. It has been a good time having the kids home, and we are clearly in love with the pool, as you may have noticed if you see us on Facebook.

And also this whole building a baby thing is exhausting. I had forgotten about the fatigue. I want to go to bed at like 6pm. I love bed. And sleeping. They are my favorite.

SO. I thought I'd post some news, an update on our craziness if you will.

Our foster case has been nuts these last few weeks. We literally have been limping through the past week as we have been dealing with some things with C&A. Things are rocky with their bio mom as she has disappeared to give birth to another baby, and the girls are really lashing out. So that has left us with some extreme behaviors that has turned life here a little upside down.

C was diagnosed with RAD which has been quite the experience for us. As hard as it's been, I'm still insanely thankful that the Lord has let us walk this journey and opened our eyes to the reality of so many kids who are stuck in the system. Years of neglect and abuse on a child leaves them just a shell of what a joyful kid should be. She is almost 6, and she is a handful. But behind all those behaviors and walls she has built is a broken child, with a broken spirit. We are just trying to fill in some of the cracks that have happened over the years.

You'd be amazed at how her face lights up when you say, "you are doing great today, I am so proud of you!". It just makes your heart overflow. He is truly using this journey to heal us all in different ways.

She just needs someone to say they love her on the good days and even on the bad days. Believe me, sometimes that is HARD, but we are making it work because He is carrying us through. And because that sweet little girl deserves to be loved fearlessly.

So that's that. Oh, and they adore the pool. You wouldn't believe it, their excitement about it is explosive. Makes my heart happy :).

In other news, I am sailing into my 2nd trimester with our newest love, whom I already adore. I have worried a lot due to the rocky 1st trimester we had, but everything has looked great and we have an ultrasound tomorrow to see him or her :). I think it's a girl. Or maybe a boy.

Oh I don't care. I just want to breathe in all that newborn sweetness come January.

I have had the strangest dreams, and I still have sickness, but it's all worth it. And I had a mini meltdown over yogurt the other night because I had my heart set on Mint Chocolate Chip and when it came out it was white. Now I know that seems petty, but mint ice cream should be green. It doesn't taste as minty when it's white. It's a mind over matter thing, people.

Or maybe it's a hormonal thing. Whatevs.

So anyway, that's what we've been up to. I'm off to watch a movie with the girls while Lincoln naps. (read: they watch, I fall asleep.)

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Baby #7 (And What This Means For Our Foster Journey)

So, I am pregnant! No one was really that surprised, right?? This could not be any sweeter of a surprise than it is. God is so gracious, and we are really excited :).

I am,

almost 10 weeks...

due in January...

sick...

tired...

then sick some more.

But oh am I thankful.

I have had a pretty rocky first trimester with bad sickness and some spotting episodes - which is always scary. But my levels are fabulous and the ultrasound shows ONE strong little heartbeat!

Such grace!

I am so thankful for your encouraging words and excitement. We are excited for this little one to join our family!

So what does this mean for our foster care situation? Nothing, really.

We are still moving forward with God's calling for our family and with our little C & A. Our plan is the same, to love them and be their voice. We still don't know anything new about the whole relative situation. We are still waiting on the courts and in the same "take it one day at a time" mode.

So basically everything is pretty much the same. Only now I'm growing a sweet little love, and I'm just a tad more sleepy and pukey (Tad = A lot).

So that's that. We are so thankful for this new life. And the kids are SO thrilled! They are split down the middle - half want a little sister, and half want a little brother :).

Guess What??

 Looks like it's time for a new babe :).

Such a tiny picture of grace right there!

She Is Nine

She is sweet, and smart, and loving. She loves her siblings, is great at being the oldest, and loves to bake with me on rainy days.

And today she is nine.

 

She is my biggest helper, my sanity on the crazy days, and the breath of fresh air that I need. She is becoming her own person, and is way ahead of her years, and has her own stories to tell.

And today she is nine.

She is growing so fast, and is the one who made me a mother, and in my mind she will always be that same baby that I held on my chest at 6:22am all those years ago.

And today she is nine.

Happy 9th Birthday to my Ella!

Love, love, love you my sweet girl!

One Of The Many Benefits...

of having a ton of big sisters...

They're there to give you that extra push you need. Whether you want it or not.

I have NO idea why he is so spoiled :).

Sigh, they are such little mommies!

A Little Foster Update

So...

I think a lot of you may have seen on Facebook over the weekend that we got a random phone call about a distant relative surfacing for C & A.

Just in case you're wondering, in foster care they always look for family to take the children. And often times, if family is found even after they are placed with a foster family, the children are moved. Even if that family loves them and is taking good care of them and they now have a healthy view of a normal family.

Deep breaths.

And that is precisely the case here. Our caseworker called and said that this family member (read: sort of a family member) had been approved to take the girls, and we needed to meet with them as soon as possible.

And just like that. Things can change.

So I told them to make the drive to our town (they are an hour away), and we could meet at a Chickfila close to us. Honestly, I just wanted to see if they would come all the way here, and I feel like making them work if they really are going to take them from us. Mean? Maybe. But I really did  think it was best to meet on our turf, at a place the girls have frequented, so we could make this as comfortable as possible for C & A.

And because I also feel that Chickfila waffle fries and sweet tea can heal emotional pain. So it was a win-win.

It went ok, and it also was understandably awkward. The girls have been a mess ever since because I think they know deep inside that this may mean a new place, and more new people. And as hard as it all is, I feel Him with us in every step. I feel Him changing the direction, and I feel Him helping us loosen our grip on a situation we can not control.

I feel Him continuing to teach us to love big no matter what the outcome of this foster care roller coaster.

Today they played outside with their siblings, laughed at the dinner table over silly things, and then layed their little heads down in the same spot that they have since December. Today they are safe, and they are loved, and they are here :).

We think it will take about 6 weeks for this all to unfold, so we are just going to take it a day at a time and try to love without hesitation. Should be easy, right :)???

Hope you all are having a great week!

Random Things

Sooo, apparently I've fallen a tad behind on blogging. Could ya tell?

A week and a half ago my laptop crashed, and took all my pictures and files with it. No fun! So for the past week we have been trying to recover and transfer things over to my new laptop.

I tell ya, it's always something.

We have been soaking up some great weather in these parts. The kids have been wearing themselves out in the backyard, and I have received many hand picked flowers...aren't these the best :)??

Lincoln has been keeping me busy - and by busy I mean he is on the move non-stop! Lately he has started pushing chairs over the counter, tables, etc, and climbing right up on them. Yesterday I found him on the counter opening cabinets for a snack.

He's 2. And he is so stinkin' active. You all were right, little boys are definitely different than little girls :). There is an energy in that child like I've never seen before. Good thing he is so, so sweet...

Doesn't he look so grown?

I may need to repost my post on my laundry system. Because right now I just have laundry, and no system.

I have traded a good amount of my housework for time outside with my loves. Totally worth it.

With the warm weather rolling in, we've been making lots of cool smoothies. Our favourite? Frozen berries and greek yogurt. By the way, if you don't have a Magic Bullet, you need to grab one. They are amazing.

The kids only have a couple weeks of school left and they officially have a countdown to Summer going on. I love Summer with the kids. It can get hectic, but it is so nice to have a laid back schedule to do what we want. I'm looking forward to soaking up the sun with just my little crew.

So thats a little glimpse of what has been happening around here. The husband and I are going on a date tomorrow night and I am SO excited! We rarely ever get a night out, so I have been looking forward to it all week :).

Now that my computer is running again, I will be back soon! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Fostering Through The Rough

I've been wanting to write about things for some time. We get a lot of questions about or new girls and how it's going...as you can imagine. But haven't really been able to find the right words. So I thought I'd just hop on here and say it:

Things in our foster case have been rough lately. And sorta ugly. And just plain hard.

A few months ago when I realized that this foster journey was rising above our heads more than I'd like to admit, I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to admit that we were questioning things, and I didn't want to admit that the whole situation was occupying way more of my time than it should. I felt under attack during a season of change in our life - and in a way, I felt plagued by all the uncertainties that now hung over our heads.

Will we keep them? Can we keep them? Are our bio kids ok? Will we all make it through this?

As you know, in July we felt led to jump into fostering. We had been raising kids for 9 years, appeared to be doing this big family thing with a good amount of sanity, and us adding a kid was no shocker to people anymore - because clearly, we can not be trusted in the "we're done having kids" department. Amen?

But then He gave us these 2 older girls from a really hard place - and there was no bonding, and a lot of problems, and things just started to cave in. I was trying to keep up, be brave, and love hard, but the hole we were in was filling faster than I could dig out. C started becoming more upset with each visit with their mom, and A...well, like I've mentioned, she's just got a lot going on. All the sudden there were a million unknowns. And I was drowning.

The people pleaser in me wanted to say, "Things are SO great! I feel like I birthed them! Goodness, this is so beautiful!" But I couldn't, and since you only get reality around here, I kept quiet instead of sharing.

Friends, I have learned that He does not want you to keep quiet when you are struggling to make sense of a rocky season. He wants us to share it with anyone you chose so we can hear these magic words, "Wait, you've felt like that too? You've been there before? Oh, it makes me feel so much better to know I'm not alone."

It was hard for me, after all, how often do I hear, "wow, 6 kids PLUS you're fostering?? You must be Super Mom!!". I would find myself cringing at how far from the truth that is. Because I struggle too. A lot. And I yell. Way more than I should. So if you're coming here looking for Super Mom, then you've come to the wrong place, because she ain't here.

Besides, 2 kids, 6 kids, 10 kids, or 20 kids doesn't make you super mom. Loving your kids fearlessly, putting their needs before your own, and getting out of bed in the morning and dragging your struggling heart to the toaster to make waffles is what makes you super mom. We laugh a midst the pain, smile when things are hard, and push through when we just want to crumble. That is what makes mothers different from anything else in God's creation. That's what makes us all super mom.

I couldn't let go of what I had planned in my head when we started this. I was asking God why this was so incredibly hard, and why He would lead us here to only let us struggle? But now I see that He leads us into the storm to change us. He uses these times to shape us and renovate our lives and our hearts. So when the clouds part and the light starts to shine back in, you come out a changed person.

You see, the struggle is part of the story. It's actually a huge part of the big picture. It is where we grow.

A close friend told me recently, "Let go of what you thought it was going to be, and let God show you how it's going to end up." I think I say that to myself daily now. Because even though life with them isn't exactly all warm & fuzzy all the time, we do love them deeply. Their history has a lot of pain and neglect, it seems so unfair and when I think of it all I just want to hide them forever so we can protect them.

But I can't.

At the end of a long day when I tuck all 8 of them in, I remember that this isn't about me. It's not about us being more comfortable or about our life being easy. This is about Him. And this about bringing glory to His name whether they stay forever or whether they don't.

So for now we breath deep and we take it a day at a time. We just do the next thing. 

People have asked a lot lately about how things were going, and so I thought it was time to answer :). I get a lot of questions about how our marriage thrives through it, and how our bio kids handle it all, and I'm going to try to write about that all in more detail soon. Feel free to ask any questions about our family, I'll do my best to answer :).

Hope you all are having a great week! I am so excited to relax with my people this weekend!

Seven At The Spa

It is birthday season around here, and today we got to celebrate Reese & Charlotte turning 7!

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I love to throw parties, right? Well, I do. And I get carried away. But with so many kiddos, I like to have a lot of fun on their birthdays and I like to make them feel super special.

And I like to eat cake. So there's that bonus too.

They requested a Spa party much like one we did for Ella awhile back, and it was such a hit this time around as well. We did manis, pedis, and even facials...which cracked us adults up...

Nothing fancy, just cucumbers and organic yogurt for those facials. But the girls thought it was SO great :).

We set up little place settings for each girl...

They talked and giggled, and that makes my heart happy.

I love Etsy for cupcake toppers and fun little signs. I bought flip-flops for each girl to wear after the pedicures - thought that would be a good party favor instead of a bag of candy. And when Old Navy sells them for 2 for $5, how can you go wrong??

So we painted nails, and opened gifts, and sang to my sweet girls.

And of course we ate cake and cupcakes...

I can't believe they are 7.

So, so thankful that God rocked our little world back in 2006 and gave us twins. They have changed us, and made us better parents. They have been a breath of fresh air.

Happy birthday to the sweetest 7yr olds I know!

Being your mama is one of my greatest blessings!

Even Though I Still Can't Believe It...

2 years ago today God (finally!) gave us a little boy :). It feels like yesterday that I was rocking him back and forth in the hospital bed under that dim night time lighting. Sigh, I will forever cherish those moments.

This little guy has brought so much joy to our family. He is truly a rough and tumble vision of grace. And as you may have noticed, I'm just a little in love with him...

So we have been celebrating on and off since last weekend. We had a race car party that I will post pics of soon...because it ended up being such a cute theme!

But for now, I'm off to kiss his little 2yr old forehead again while he sleeps.

Happy birthday to the sweetest Lincoln on the planet (not that I'm partial)...

Buddy, you are one loved little boy!!

To My Only Son And My Future Daughter-In-Law

Lincoln turns 2 next week. Someone hold me, please. We are throwing a Race Car party this weekend in which I've stayed true to my crazy self and have gone completely overboard. I posted something like this a year ago and thought I would again :). You have to laugh to keep from crying as your babies grow in to not-so-tiny-babies anymore, right?? (Although, he is still my baby...you know, forever.)

-----------------------------------

They all say I favor you.

And they all speak a small amount of truth.

Even my best friends say that 20 years from now I will no doubt be sitting across from Dr. Phil on some Meddling Mother-in-Law show where I will be arguing that I am not "pushy", I'm just "really involved".

It's not that I actually love you more or have placed you as my "favorite" child, it's just that my connection to you is far different than my connection to your sisters. So many people told me the bond would be unique, but I just didn't believe it.

From the moment you were born I knew our relationship would be special.

You see, your sisters and I have the same hormones running through our veins which basically binds us for life. We'll hopefully have that "mother/daughter/best friends" relationship as they get older just like my mom and I do. They'll call me to talk about everything and nothing. We will talk about clothes, complain about pms, shop for prom dresses, plan weddings, and wait in line for $5 crockpots on Black Friday.

Lord willing, we will always travel in a pack. I already look forward to those future memories with your sisters.

Oh, we also will talk about your new girlfriend that you bring to dinner when we all go to the bathroom together. You might as well know that now.

But deep in my mothering heart, I know that won't be the deal with you. I know that boys leave their moms for a girl that has stolen their heart. That's why I have eaten up every single second of you while I can.

I know that before I know it you will be running around with the neighbor boys, playing in the mud, working out in the garage with dad, joining the football team, and then ultimately find some know-it-all girl who thinks she knows more about you than I do.

Keep in mind that I spent 9 months carrying you, gained almost 50 pounds, endured swelling that could've been featured on the Discovery Health channel, and then had my abdomen cut open to bring you into this world. Maybe you should write those facts down on an index card, have it laminated, and always keep it in your back pocket. Just in case you ever need a refresher.

It's probably best that you make sure any prospect is strong enough to embrace 1 mother-in-law and 5 sister-in-laws. She's going to need a GREAT sense of humor.

So I thought I'd help you and your future bride out by drafting up a set of vows for her - I will work on yours in the years to come. Please know that these are subject to change at anytime, especially as your wedding gets closer...

I, girl who is 2nd place to your mother, take you Lincoln, to be my husband.

(I also take your mother to be my mentor and go-to girl for all life questions. After all, she does know everything.)

To have and to hold from this day forward.

(And speaking of holding, she should hold all of our children as soon as I deliver. She does have tons of experience and she did raise exceptional human beings like yourself and your beautiful sisters.)

For better or for worse,

(Although I just would like to say that life will always be better when your mother is right smack in the middle of our business. She has earned the privilege of knowing everything about me and my ways. I should probably give her access to all my social networking sites.)

for richer, for poorer,

(Which by the way, money will never matter because your mom can guide me on big purchases, shopping trips, and help me find the best deals on the latest trends...she is after all such a fashionista.)

in sickness and in health,

(And when you are sick, I know you'll want your mom to come take care of you because she is the only woman that will ever be able to truly comfort you. She's your world.)

 to love and to cherish;

(Even though I will never cherish you like your mother does. You should call her everyday and remind her how much you and I adore her. Schedule weekly lunch dates with her too so you can get her opinion on important decisions we are making at the time.) 

from this day forward until death do us part.

(Now lets go to the reception where your mom should have the first dance with you.)

I think that is completely appropriate, don't you? We can work on them as you get older...I'm sure I'll need to make some changes here and there.

Love you, my sweet Lincoln. You are my favorite little man on the planet, forever and always.

-----------------------------------------

I know all you other moms of boys have vows just like this already written, right? No? I'm the only one? Oh well. I'm ok with that :).

10 Things For My Girls

Last week I took my older 3 ladies out for an overnight "Girls Night". We shopped, got our nails painted and laughed the night away in a local hotel. It was bliss. I've been telling Eric that I want to be doing this more often so I can talk to them about things...about life.

And so for the record, here is my heart in a little letter.

------------------------------

My sweet little (although growing so fast) girls, there are 10 things I want you to know. And I loved talking through some of them with you on our special night out :). I know that you won't always want or welcome my advice, so I will try to refrain from constantly blurting out my opinions as you continue to grow.

I said I'll TRY, I can't promise anything.

In the newness of this "older kids" season I have learned a lot. My life isn't all toddlers and babies like it once was. I've learned a lot about waiting and listening. A lot about letting go and letting you grow. And a lot about how I try to control things that were never meant to be in my control.

Motherhood is humbling, girls. It's a journey of grace, and love, and joy, and pain, and sleepless nights. It's dancing in the rain, and soaking up the small stuff. It's this passion that runs so deep in my being that sometimes it's painful.

And just as I blink and remember being in my early 20's with my belly swollen with your newborn goodness, I also know I'll blink and we'll be ten years from now.

10 things, girls. 10 things that I want you all to remember as you grow...

You are unique. Unique among your siblings, and unique among your peers. You won't be any good at being someone else, but you will be great at being you. Each of you have different passions and talents that make you stunning in His (and my) eyes. Embrace the beauty that God created when He knit you together. Inside and out.

Everyone is not doing it. Not everyone is acting that way. Not everyone talks like that. Not everyone is wearing that skimpy outfit. And not everyone thinks its cool. The only one you need to be following is Him. Otherwise, be a leader and a light.

You are worth it. You are worth that dream you want to chase, that goal you want to reach, and anything else your little hearts desire. You are worth waiting for, worth fighting for, and worth the respect of others (especially the boys, my dears). You are worth it because He says so.

Don't be a gossip. You don't want to be that girl. It never ends well and it almost always comes back to bite you. God wants your words to be full of grace.

Be Honest. To me, to yourself, to Him. Be upfront and tell it like it is. It's like telling someone their zipper is down, awkward at first, but better for everyone in the end.

Focus on your heart, not your appearance. Modesty is admirable. The pressure from our culture can be nasty, be prepared to fight for what you know is true. The state of your heart is more important than your size, or choice in designer clothes - you are more important than a number. And at the end of the day, people want to be with someone who's heart is full of passion and joy, not with someone who only talks about her image or lack there of.

Love your sisters. Take a look around you, these ladies are your best friends. They will be here when you are down and when you want to celebrate. They (along with myself) will sit in bed and eat pizza with you when you get your heart broken. It is an unbreakable bond, remember that.

I am your mother, not your friend. This is a hard one for me because I really want you to like me and I know that sometimes you won't. For now though, it's my job to raise you. We'll laugh and talk like girlfriends sometimes, but for the most part, I'm mom. I can't wait to have the grown up relationships with you that I have with your grandma.

Show grace. Love people even when they're not your favorite people. Everyone needs Him and you never know what the kid next to you is dealing with. Nothing trumps the grace that He has shown us. It truly is amazing grace, ladies - don't ever let anyone tell you different. Share it with everyone.

I'm here. Anytime you need me. Anytime you need to talk or cry or rejoice, I'm here. I want to know whats happening in your little world. I will wait for you to tell me and I'll try to accept the times that you don't. Just know that I hurt when you hurt, and I rejoice when you rejoice. Tell me all about life, I'll listen.

I love ya, my babes.

Yes, you'll always be my babies. And no, I won't call you that in front of your friends anymore.

There is nothing I wouldn't do, no fight I wouldn't fight, and no other earthly love like the one I have for you.  It is unique and mysterious and a gift from Him.

You ladies are a gift in so many ways. I am forever thankful for the bond we have. And yes, I am in favor of many more "girls nights out" :).

Love you so, so much,
Mama

The Ministry Of Motherhood

"Why are you adding more when you already have 6?"

You can only imagine how many times that question has swung my way over the past several months.

And my answer? Um, all I have to do is snuggle into Lincolns chubby cheeks for a second and my ovaries start firing off eggs. I'm an odd one. A collector of children.

Not really, I don't say that although I should, yes? I usually just respond with a "why not" or a "yep, we're crazy like that."

I get why people ask those questions though. And I would imagine that every mom gets why people ask those questions, because every mom gets how hard her job is. It's like when you have a newborn, and you're a week postpartum, and you haven't showered or brushed your teeth, and the baby is crying while your other kids are fighting, and the washing machine just ate your last pair of hospital net underwear.

(Not that I know what that is like.)

There is never a part of me though that views adding more kiddos to our family as "inconvenient", I feel like we're only moving forward with God's plan for our family.

Does changing diapers, filling sippy cups, wiping noses, cleaning up crumbs off the floor, and folding load after load of laundry always feel glamorous? Not at all. And would I love to have a full conversation at the park without having to tell my children to stop eating the mulch? Sure. But that's not my life right now...

Like I've confessed before, I have many days when this mom gig feels mundane and redundant. Let's just all go ahead and admit that some days kinda suck. C'mon, raise your hand, some days being a mother sucks the life right out of you and all you want to do is run screaming from you're house. It's ok to admit it, you're safe here.

Motherhood is hard. That is a simple fact. Some days more than others.

It's kind of like a roller coaster...with only tall hills and loops...and you just keep going up the tall hill anticipating the other side, and then after the rush of going down the hill it throws you for another loop. Yea, it's kinda like that.

Foster care is also like that, a roller coaster that never ends. Yesterday we had a visit with their mom, she decided to show up, and we all sang Cumbaya. Not really. The reality is that there is never a time that it doesn't sting a little when they run to her and all of the sudden I fall into 2nd place. Not going to lie, it actually stings a lot, especially with all we're dealing with with the girls.

But for some reason a child instinctively wants their mom to love them, regardless of the ugly past. That is the power of a mother's love.

I even find myself caring about their mom in a mothering way. Don't get me wrong, this woman can make me crazy, but like I've mentioned before, she's pretty young and never really had a mom. So I stand in this weird place where I want to keep her girls, but I also want to reach out and love her as well. I even found myself in the grocery yesterday buying her prenatal vitamins (because yes, she's expecting again. Don't EVEN get me started.). She feels like the enemy sometimes, but that motherly instinct to love her always trumps the bad feelings. Us mothers can't help it, its running through our tired veins.

The deep down ugly truth is that I often just want her to go away even though I know God's plan is best, and  even though I know they are not really mine. But they feel like they're mine. Until we see her. And then I am humbled right into the background of the whole story. But that is the thing, mothers often are changing lives and keeping things going behind the scenes of everyday life - there is not a lot of recognition, but He sees us.

We are mothers. And we love relentlessly, even when it seems crazy. And it is indeed crazy!

Right now, motherhood is my ministry. It's how I serve, even when it feels so, so mundane and ordinary. But shaping lives is anything but ordinary.

The world tells us that we need to keep defining ourselves with things, and people, and money, and a "better you!" But God has already given us a defining role, and the more I embrace it the more I find my true self - right here, in this calling to be a mother.

Whether you're in the baby stage, or the school age stage, or the waiting for your kiddo through adoption stage, it's always a moving forward with God's plan of motherhood stage. And that's a good place to be.

So today, and tonight, and the next day, and the following years after that, I will continue on this crazy road of mothering. The hardest, but by far the most rewarding road I've been on to date.

Some More Of This And That

- There are only about 71 days till Summer vacation. Just in case you were wondering. The pool, the sun on our faces, it is BLISS. Can not wait! And no, I'm not sure yet how I will do the pool with 8 kids, but I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out :).

- Love, love, love you guys for your encouragement and advice on the possible seizures A is having. We go this morning for her EEG, and as far as I know, we won't have results right away. She is having a "sleep deprived" test so we couldn't put her to bed any earlier than 11pm, and had to wake her by 5am. Sweet mercy, this child needs her sleep or things get ugly - so it's probable that both of us will be crying by the time the test is over.

Send chocolate and sarcastic humor.

- Just to fill you in a bit... we found out last week that her "delays" are pretty significant, so that could all play into the staring spells she is having. Basically she has some receptive, processing, and communication issues going on - all part of what He intended for her even though it seems REALLY unfair right now. And honestly, shes been through a lot, so that could play a part as well. She has a long road ahead, but I know she'll be ok :). She is a sweet little trooper, and I know He has a great plan for her!

- I love them more and more everyday. Which scares me because, well, it's foster care. Just had to get that out.

- On to lighter things. We had the school carnival this weekend and the older girls were so excited. Reason #249 to have a big family: you always win a cake at the cake walk when you're kids are involved. Great odds, people.

- I bought these cosmetic bags for a couple friends at Christmas, and then saw not long ago that the lady dropped the price to $15! So cheap, so stinkin' cute! It makes me happy.

- Oh, before I forget - I am changing my twitter, facebook, instagram, etc over to the name "Filled To The Brim". Remember a few months back when I did a blog makeover? Well, it's time to take the name change full circle...I've put it off long enough. So just remember that it is still me in your news feed! Same savvy crew, only a tad different :).

I can hardly loosen my grip from "Savvy Little Women". It's where we come from, it's who we are, it's in our blood.

Too far? Sorry.

- I've wanted to hang some new things on our walls. You know, just change things up a bit. But then when I go to do it I get all scattered - Should I hang new pictures? A canvas? Modern wall art? An oversized fork?
I went with pictures, seems simple, but I like simple.

- Alright, I'm off to try and keep A up until the test. Praying, praying, praying for the best!

Back soon, friends!

Love Big

So I turned 32 over the weekend. And you know what? It doesn't feel much different than 31 :).

And my anxious-flyer self even hopped on a flight home all by myself on Sunday. I know, I'm growing up so fast.

I spent the weekend in Atlanta with some friends at the Created For Care retreat for foster and adoptive moms. We spent 48 hours talking about how to "love big" when it comes to our kids and through the ups and downs of parenting kiddos from hard places. Lot's of info and lot's to take in, but it was really good :).

It also ended up being a much needed reminder that He is still pursuing me, as I pursue a new normal for my family right now. It's SO easy to get lost in the shuffle of day to day life as a mom, and it was really refreshing to remember that I am part of the story too - that my heart matters to Him as well. Goodness, that is so easy to forget when you are giving yourself completely to these little loves day in and day out!

My mommy heart had been struggling so much from carrying the weight of our situation. I do not like crying in public, but I could not keep composure in some of these sessions, friends. I have been so fearful of loving big and losing time and time again - but lately I have started to feel a release from that. I just feel this peace about loving as much as we can, even though the future isn't clear. Because if we don't love these kids, then who will? And if we don't love in the darkness of this world, then what use are we as Christians?

He is faithful and with us every step of the way. That's all I could ask for in this mommy journey.

Last week I had a Dr appointment for A. I know I've mentioned that we have been worried about some things going on with her, and I believe we have found some reasons. The issues seem a tad bigger than just delays, and the team at our childrens hospital believe that she is actually having seizures - at night and several during the day in the form of what looks like a total "zone out".

So. Huge deep breaths. (And maybe some wine.) Both seem to help.

Monday morning we have an EEG scheduled for her and we are praying for the best - that they aren't seizures, and that things are better than they seem. But if they are indeed exactly what they seem? That's ok too. His plan is the best plan for our journey. I feel at total peace about that.

We saw the mom last week and I'm still feeling that compassionate feeling inside me for her, even though I hate her choices. She grew up much like her kids are, and I have to literally force myself not to embrace her when she talks about it. Because friends, I just want to hug this woman for some reason. I think I'm about to cross the line of what I "should" be doing, to what I feel like He would want me to do. And that is to love as big as we can for as long as we can - and right now I feel like that includes the kids and her.

We'll see where that goes.

Like I've said, I may get burned, but I don't think choosing to love someone who needs it is ever a bad thing. Jesus loves me even though I don't deserve it, and that is what I keep thinking of when I think of her.

And honestly, I have been seeing that there is a possibility that He led us here to just love, maybe not adopt. I don't view it as loving and losing anymore, I view it as loving as many as we can for as long as He lets us. I need to let go of my plans and embrace His perfect story for our family. Adding a little one forever would just be a bonus :).

In other news, we have a school carnival this weekend, it will be a first for C. I can not even begin to tell you how excited this child is to do the "cake walk". Makes me smile! Although I think we could go into cake overload if all the children play - gotta have boundaries, people.

But really, are boundaries even realistic when it comes to cake?

So anyway, that's kind of what we've been up to. I'm determined to get the laundry completely done and put away today after being gone all weekend. But let's be honest, relaxing with the kids sounds SO much better :).

Back soon!