Tuesday, December 10, 2013

The Mommy Quiz

Because I was ripped from my sleep at 4am this morning by a little voice saying "my tummy hurts", followed by a lot of throwing up.
And because my 2yr old is chasing my 5yr old yelling "I not butt-head! I not butt-head!".
And because my bladder has completely turned it's back on my pregnant body.
And because I am determined to find joy and laughter amidst this insane, crazy, and unpredictable journey of motherhood.

We are going to laugh.

And take an updated Mommy Quiz. Again. You may remember some of it from back in the day.

These are the questions of our lives. Or maybe just my life. You can decide.

1.) You go out for a morning run (that now has become a waddle, and you feel that the neighbors have started getting up early to watch this kind of entertainment out their windows), and upon arrival home you have 4 minutes before you need to wake the children. Do you...
A. Brush your teeth
B. Take the worlds quickest shower
C. Wait 5 minutes till the baby starts screaming then shower with him on your hip.
D. Wait till all the children are up and available to stand in the bathroom to confirm you have no privacy.

2.) Breakfast is over for the kids and now you have 90 seconds to eat something before the first fight of the day breaks out over who holds the remote. Do you...
A. Eat the leftover scraps from the table.
B. Eat the half eaten granola bar that's in your pocket from yesterday (Yes, you have the same pants on. And yes, they are sweat pants).
C. Pray that Starbucks has started delivering breakfast to moms across the nation at 8am every morning.
D. Eat Cheerios out of the no spill bowl that you poured for your toddler while another child hangs on your leg.

3.) There are 47 loads of laundry to do and only 24 hours in the day. Do you...
A. Pack the washer way beyond capacity and pray that the water reaches every piece.
B. Drag it all to goodwill and start over.
C. Eat a donut.
D. Ignore it and wait for your imaginary cleaning lady to show up. (Just FYI, she ain't ever coming.)

4.) 3 of your kids have basketball. The oldest has practice at 5:30 and the middle 2 have practice at 6pm. They all need to eat 1 hour before and will want to eat again within 1 hour of being home. Then all 7 kids need baths before the 1st bedtime at 7:15 and the 2nd bedtime at 7:45 which is basically impossible. And speaking of impossible, you're huge because you're a million weeks pregnant, so bending over the bath to bathe the children isn't an option. How do you go about all this without losing your mind?

Explain your answer & show your work.

5.)  "Me time" is now defined as...
A. Sitting in the car by yourself during basketball practice.
B. A root canal on a sunny afternoon.
C. Walking to the mailbox.
D. All of the above.

6.) Your foster care worker shows up unexpectedly and rings the doorbell during naptime and WAKES THE BABY AND TODDLER. Do you...
A.) Punch him in the face.
B.) Kick him in the shins.
C.) Make him trade jobs for a day now that he's made yours harder.
D.) Take deep breaths similar to those while in labor to cool down before opening the door.

7.) You were just ripped from your sleep by (please note that the offender is subject to a don't-wake-mama outburst followed by a heartfelt & half-asleep apology)...
A. A child who has peed in their bed
B. A child who has peed in your bed
C. A child who has thrown up in their bed
D. A child who has thrown up in your bed

8.) When driving alone in the car Dora the Explorer comes on your Ipod and it takes you how long to change it...
A. 5 seconds
B. 10 seconds
C. 15 seconds
D. Before you know it, you realize you are at a stop light with the window rolled down and you have sang along to the whole song. (You know you don't know any adult songs anymore.)

9.) You tell the children to sit at the table quietly, but it translates into kid language as...
A. Run around the table till someone falls and cries.
B. Act like your sippy cups are bowling balls.
C. Say you aren't eating what is cooking before you've even seen it.
D. Start making fake crying noises because mom hasn't heard enough actual crying and whining today.

10.) 67 is...
A. The amount of times someone yelled "mom!" in the past 10 minutes.
B. How many diapers you changed this week.
C. The amount you spent at Target after going in for only 1 thing that cost $3.99.
D. The amount of times you've said this week that your van should have one of those dividers that can go up and down like in a limo.

11.) You can't get anywhere on time. For this you blame...
A. Shoes that won't tie themselves.
B. Someone inevitably always having to go potty the moment you're ready to walk out the door and after all their winter gear is on.
C. Pregnancy hormones.
D. Not being able to find your car keys that have been clipped to YOUR OWN belt loop for the past 20 minutes.

12.) While on the phone, one of the children is saying, "mom...mom...mama...mommy...mom...mama". Their important question is...
A. How tall are you?
B. Can turtles jump?
C. Is Ohio a country?
D. Can you flush a barbie doll?

(Insert me banging my head against the nearest wall after that last one.)

13.) You still have 45 minutes till the husband gets home. 3 children are fighting, 3 are crying, 1 has the TV volume turned up to 84, and the 1 inside of you has a foot in your ribs. (HOW ARE THERE SO MANY OF THEM. Don't answer that.) Do you...
A. Consider scheduling a tubal.
B. Consider scheduling a vasectomy.
C. Eat another donut.
D. Call your mom and apologize for anything you ever did as a child.
*Bonus option!*
E. All of the above.

14.) While changing clothes, with all the kids in your room of course, you hear...
A. Total silence. Just stares, wide eyes and looks of confusion and wonder on their face. You might get an occasional self esteem boosting, "you're really big" or "what is that???".

Please note that the test administrator decided there was only one answer for the above question.

(Its shocking that mothers get out of bed in the morning sometimes, isn't it?)

15.) You're life is...
A. Busy, but so blessed.
B. Completely exhausting, but fulfilling.
C. Chaotic, but packed full of sweetness.
D. All of the above.

Sigh, what would I do with all my extra time if I didn't have to answer these pressing questions all day long :)?

Tired, but thankful.


kathygrace said...

All I can say is we need you as a bone fide comedian! You are hilarious! And to think that one of your kids just might have your tendencies to make others laugh! How Blessed we are! Thank you!

P.S. And I am aware that all of these quiz questions hold threads of truth! You just make such a wonderful zoo of it!

Thoughts for the day said...

I agree...your humor is hysterical in fact if you put that whole thing on you tube with you in a 'crazy' outfit and saying it rather comical and sarcastic you could make a ton of money. Remember Anita Renfro who started out 'as a mom' comdedian? I think you have found your calling. Perhaps if not in public write these down for a book. Keep pressing on you are doing great.

Hunter said...

Oh girl I just flat out need your mama humor and your realness. Some days (ok lets face it, everyday) I just need to be reminded that I am not alone!