Motherhood. I love it. Its not at all what I expected it to be, but I do obviously love it.
The hugs around the neck, the forgiveness they give that I myself haven't even learned how to give, the way they throw caution to the wind, the confidence they carry, the lack of judgement they have for others, and the way they love me without hesitation or boundaries.
Those are just a handful of things they teach me that I never expected to learn from someone who couldn't even tie their own shoes.
My love for them is so passionate and so strong that its painful sometimes. I can't believe that I can love someone so deeply - and more than that, I can't believe that God's love for me is even deeper than that.
It is truly a love that knows no bounds, this mother and child bond that we share. But there is another side to it sometimes.
The pressure. The nonstop demands. The time when being annoyed turns into anger.
The angry mom. That's me lately.
Our days start out just like normal. But 3 hours later I find myself yelling at them somewhere as they stare at their frazzled mother, confused as to why I am at the end of my rope. All while some well intentioned stranger in the middle of the freezer section at the grocery is telling me, "how fast this time goes" and "how much I'll miss it."
I'm sure I'll miss it. It's just that right now that's hard to see since I'm having trouble forming full sentences come bedtime because my brain is so fried from the day.
These little people that I love so dearly can walk me to the edge, and then push me right off with a little nudge.
If its not them fighting, it's them whining. If they aren't running through the kitchen, they're destroying the basement I just cleaned. And if they aren't asking, "how come!?", they're saying, "that's not fair!".
(And for the love of all that is holy, can I just sit down and take one bite of my meal before they ask for something else!?)
(Deep breathe in.)
The tension builds, the arguing escalates, the noise level rises.
And all of the sudden it hits me. That overwhelmed feeling . I start to feel like I can't take another second of the fighting, and like I'm going to pull my hair out if I have to clean another room...do another load of laundry...break up another fight...wash another dish.
The angry mom sets in, and the patient mom that they need goes away.
There are days when I should be fired.
Sometimes I can't believe the harsh things that come out of my mouth. I don't mean them, I'm just tired. I'm just trying to learn as I go. And I'm just trying to do this 6 kid thing without much sleep and without fail.
But deep inside I know that failing is part of motherhood. Deep inside I know that trial and error is part of the journey. And deep inside I know that He has already gone before me and paved the road I'm on.
Mothering is a constant reminder of how much I need Him.
He knew what He was doing when He put each little life in my womb. He knew when He placed each hair on their head that this would not only be a journey for them, but a huge learning journey for me.
He knew that He was going to use motherhood to mold me into a woman that reflects Him more.
(Although sometimes I think I reflect someone who should be taken away by men in white suits to a padded room where I can scream and punch the wall freely.)
(Again, just being honest.)
I don't have to have all the answers, and I'm never going to be the perfect mom. All I have to do is get through today. All you have to do is get through today. We will worry about tomorrow when the sun comes up.
Raising 6 (or any amount of) kids is stressful. And hard. And incredibly exhausting.
I want to add how wonderful it is as well - but today, and this week, and the past month, it's been more hard than wonderful. I hate admitting that.
I'm tired of the impression that so many other moms are always running a tight ship and raising perfect children every single day of the week. So just in case you're wondering, I don't. I get angry, I'm struggling with keeping my attitude in check, and there are times when I text a friend and say, "I just want to get in the car and drive away". Not everyday, but some days.
This is a season of survival.
I keep telling myself that I can't possibly be alone in feeling this way sometimes. That every other mother must feel something similar at some point. And if you've never felt this way, then you're either lying, or you should write a parenting book.
My kids don't need that angry lady yelling and barking orders, they need their mama. And honestly, friends, I clearly need them just as much as they need me.
I love them with my whole being. And I wouldn't trade this life for anything. But it's not always pretty. So if you're in the same boat, know that you're not alone :).
Here's to a new day, with new mercies, and fresh beginnings. All of which is grace.