The Mommy Classifieds

I believe this is the classified ad we all circled with a highlighter and then applied for.

Duties and Job requirements are as followed.

- Must abide by the No Privacy Law that goes into effect when you accept the Mommy title.

-  You will need to add 10 minutes to your allotted time for errands because you will now be forced into every public bathroom in every store you walk into. And no, the children don't actually have to go, they just want to check it out.

- You must be able to deal with this situation...

We don't know, we think the dryer is eating the matches. You'll be required to figure out what and where the problem is.


- You are allowed to make phone calls. But the children will start screaming the minute you pick up the phone, and miraculously fully entertain themselves the moment you hang up.

- Picking up unearthly amounts of toys repeatedly will be a daily chore...

Be prepared to organize the toys while the children continue to get out what you just put away.

- There is a sticky, mystery substance in the carpet by the stairs. That's all you.

- You must be able to answer consecutive and never ending personal questions. These include but are not limited to: your weight, why you chose to wear those pants, if you know that your breath smells bad, and anything else the children see fit.

- All meetings will be held at Chickfila.

- The laundry wins. Always. Even though you may be a real go getter, there is no household force like the laundry. Do your best, and when the pile gets taller than you are, just look away.

 

Look away, I tell you. 

- There will be a bonus and a "Employee Of The Month" plaque made with your name on it if you can go 3 solid hours without raising your voice. Talking through your teeth to the children still counts as a "normal" tone. 

 - Remember when you used to sit down and eat? That's going to change.

- Experience in waitressing is not required but encouraged. You'll never survive meal times without some previous work in an industrial kitchen. Oh, and the customers don't tip.

- Also, be prepared to accept that the customers will say that they don't like what you are cooking before they even try it.

- There are no breaks, lunch hours, or solo bathroom stops. We assure that you will have a bladder of steel by your 6 month review.

- Must accept that you will soon find it ok to leave the house in sweats and no makeup when needed. It will be these times that you will run into an old boyfriend, your nemesis from high school, and the "perfect" mom.

- All the pre-child clothes in your closet that are waiting for you to get back into by 3 months postpartum will need to be removed. We support reality.

- Target has popcorn and Starbucks. It's a combo necessary for your job and sanity. Utilize it.

- Must be ok with the fact that it will be near impossible to get any work done due to the sweetness you live with...

- Must be open to taking leaps of faith, loving fearlessly, and learning to let go of control.

Even on the longest days, I still remind myself that I wasn't qualified for this job. It is all grace.

And it's by far the best job we'll ever pursue.

Hands down :).