Tuesday, July 16, 2013

A Little Season Of Change

Again, where is the time going in between posts?? I'm waiting on that energy rush of the 2nd trimester, although I'm not seeing any signs of it :). I'm about 15 weeks and feeling better, just sooooo tired, friends.

But anyway.

C and A are officially leaving. There has been a unexpected turn of events in their case and they will be going back to their mother here in a couple weeks. I could drop a 1000 details that would make you want to ask children's services a 1000 questions, but believe me, I've asked all those questions. Twice.

I don't believe that this is the best possible scenario. And to sum it up for you easily I will just say this; I'm a little worried. But I'm also at peace with what God is doing here. It's a strange combo of feelings. The truth be told, we have never felt like God completely gave them to us, even though we loved them like our own. We never felt total confirmation that we would get to be their forever family, and I truly knew deep in my mamas heart that she would be their mom, not me.

We visited their mom last night in the hospital after she delivered another sibling. I spent so much time judging and feeling shocked over that pregnancy. But when the girls climbed up in that bed and I saw a shell of a family that has a long road ahead, the tears just started coming. She is their mother, she's the one that God chose for them, and she is under the same umbrella of grace that I am. She, like all of us, needs second chances. Even when it doesn't seem to make sense. I am pulled to love her because I love those girls.

Sometimes foster care is about adoption, but for the most part, it is about helping rebuild families who are limping through life. And that is something that you will never regret being a part of. I always said that I wanted to walk away (with or without the girls) saying we gave her every chance and encouraged her as much as we could, and I feel like we can do that.

It's a roller coaster of emotions. Actually, combined with pregnancy hormones, its been more like a tsunami of emotions :).

Don't get me wrong, our hearts are hurting as we let go, but we are so very thankful for the 9 months that we have been able to love them.  Even though we are losing, we are still not left empty handed. This has been one of the biggest spiritual and soul searching journeys of my entire life. We took in what we said we wouldn't, and we faced issues that we said we couldn't handle. God used that to stretch me in ways I didn't know I needed. I see the system in a whole new light, and I have seen brokenness that I didn't know existed. If God had not let us walk this, my eyes would have never been opened.

It's been a great reminder that God doesn't give us what we want, He gives us what we need.

Getting to be their mama this past year was grace. Merciful, and hopeful grace.

We are going to spend the next couple weeks loving them and trying to figure out what the old way of things looked like. We are looking so forward to finding out the gender of our new little love, (next month!!) and we are praying that He clearly shows us what our next step is in this foster care world.

This chapter with C & A is coming to a close. We are super excited to see what He has in store for our little family as we continue on. I would love any prayers for us all, especially for C and A as we transition them back into a completely different environment. Pray for protection and healing and hope, ok? I would so appreciate it!

Monday, July 1, 2013

Foster Care, Pregnancy, And Hormones

So Summer is keeping me super busy and away from all things internet. It has been a good time having the kids home, and we are clearly in love with the pool, as you may have noticed if you see us on Facebook.

And also this whole building a baby thing is exhausting. I had forgotten about the fatigue. I want to go to bed at like 6pm. I love bed. And sleeping. They are my favorite.

SO. I thought I'd post some news, an update on our craziness if you will.

Our foster case has been nuts these last few weeks. We literally have been limping through the past week as we have been dealing with some things with C&A. Things are rocky with their bio mom as she has disappeared to give birth to another baby, and the girls are really lashing out. So that has left us with some extreme behaviors that has turned life here a little upside down.

C was diagnosed with RAD which has been quite the experience for us. As hard as it's been, I'm still insanely thankful that the Lord has let us walk this journey and opened our eyes to the reality of so many kids who are stuck in the system. Years of neglect and abuse on a child leaves them just a shell of what a joyful kid should be. She is almost 6, and she is a handful. But behind all those behaviors and walls she has built is a broken child, with a broken spirit. We are just trying to fill in some of the cracks that have happened over the years.

You'd be amazed at how her face lights up when you say, "you are doing great today, I am so proud of you!". It just makes your heart overflow. He is truly using this journey to heal us all in different ways.

She just needs someone to say they love her on the good days and even on the bad days. Believe me, sometimes that is HARD, but we are making it work because He is carrying us through. And because that sweet little girl deserves to be loved fearlessly.

So that's that. Oh, and they adore the pool. You wouldn't believe it, their excitement about it is explosive. Makes my heart happy :).

In other news, I am sailing into my 2nd trimester with our newest love, whom I already adore. I have worried a lot due to the rocky 1st trimester we had, but everything has looked great and we have an ultrasound tomorrow to see him or her :). I think it's a girl. Or maybe a boy.

Oh I don't care. I just want to breathe in all that newborn sweetness come January.

I have had the strangest dreams, and I still have sickness, but it's all worth it. And I had a mini meltdown over yogurt the other night because I had my heart set on Mint Chocolate Chip and when it came out it was white. Now I know that seems petty, but mint ice cream should be green. It doesn't taste as minty when it's white. It's a mind over matter thing, people.

Or maybe it's a hormonal thing. Whatevs.

So anyway, that's what we've been up to. I'm off to watch a movie with the girls while Lincoln naps. (read: they watch, I fall asleep.)

Hope you all had a great weekend!