Wednesday, February 6, 2013

When The Hard Stuff Becomes The Good Stuff

We're 8 weeks old today. How can that be?

It's been a crazy ride so far. It's almost funny to think back and see how things have progressed. So for my records, here's an honest look at the journey so far...

We started out this adventure in what I like to call the "newborn fog". We didn't have babies but they were still new to us. I didn't know what I was doing, C & A were smiling big, and our bio children were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over their new foster siblings. This is so fun! We can fix anything! Go God! Woohoo!

A couple weeks passed and the ooh-ing and ahh-ing was replaced by "gimme that back!" and "the new girl just hit me in the face with a Barbie!". The laughing at bedtime that I initially thought was so sweet went from cute to go-to-sleep-before-mommy-turns-into-crazy-mommy. Things from the past started to surface with the girls that concerned me a good amount, my eager spirit starts to get anxious, and I basically felt like I had a billion kids at my feet all day long.

Fast forward another couple weeks. I'm a little mad at life. Good feelings are dwindling fast. I'm full of doubt. We see that A is hurting a good amount, and all the joy has basically turned to worry. Our bio children are staring with wide eyes as we push through some stuff with the girls, I am not attaching to them the way I dreamed I would, and I am begging Eric to magically come up with a solution or a reason as to why we did this.

I missed my family. You know, the old and predictable version of us.

It wasn't that I didn't love our new additions, I do love them very much, I was just having trouble making sense of it all...and it was draining. But He is changing me. He is changing us. And slowly but surely, our family is taking on a new shape. It's still hard. But there is a new and fresh wind blowing, my friends.

Something sweet is happening. There is relief, and a new normal, and a different love for C & A. We are all adjusting in a new way, A has a lot to be addressed but is the sweetest little thing, and we are seeing that God IS IN THIS. I can feel people praying. Grace is surfacing from the hard, and light is shining through the ugly.

Pushing through the hard is bringing in the good.

I remember telling my husband after a long foster class about struggling and hurting kids, "We won't have to worry about that...we're not taking a child that age...we'll get a little one before they experience a lot of bad." I'm embarrassed of that now, because that statement came from me wanting to be comfortable, not from me wanting to step outside my sheltered bubble of "on track" children and healthy babies. 

Look at her. No seriously, look at her. Isn't she sweet :)? Even though I can't show her entire face, I want you to see those innocent eyes. Look at her and know that the things she is dealing with are not her fault, she didn't ask for it, and she didn't deserve it.

Look at her and try not to love her, try to say it's too hard, try to say you can't love and let go. It's impossible.

This child and her big sister are not what I had planned. They have stretched me out of my comfort zone, and they have rocked my comfortable little world. But oh have they changed me forever. He has used them to focus my eyes back on Him, and they have reminded me that He is the ONLY one with the answers. None of this crap makes any sense without Him.

The hard stuff has become the good stuff. It has become the stuff that is changing us and molding us. It has become the stuff that is drawing us closer to Him.

He knew I didn't need easy, He knew I needed a little storm. I needed to be reminded that in my weakness He is strong, and that I can't do or fix it all

Yesterday was a good day. Sure, we had our moments but who doesn't? Their story has impacted me on so many levels, I've even felt pulled lately to reach out to their bio mom. I'm excited to see what He has in store here...for them and for us.

There is hope and grace for each new day, and for now, I really couldn't ask for anything more than that :). 


Marisa said...

While I know it's still not easy, I'm glad to hear that there are glimmers of good and you are finding a new normal.

victoria said...

If you do not watch Parenthood you need to watch the at least the season finale from last spring up to the last one from last week. One family has a foster to adopt child in their home and the issues were dealt with (I know in a tv drama way, but still) I thought of you ever time I watched since you started this adventure!!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

I did actually watch Parenthood and loved that story line. Even though its TV, I related to a lot of her feelings towards the end of the season!

Melissa said...

Praying for y'all often. God is good and has those sweet girls exactly where they need to be so that they can be loved and know Him.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thank you! I know He knows what's best :).

Lisa said...

I love your honesty as an individual and as a mother. Thanks for sharing your journey through this with us.

The Diaper Diaries said...

I totally TOTALLY get the "missing your family thing". Our foster baby goes to stay with her aunt from time to time and when she is gone I feel like I can breathe again. It isn't that the baby is even that difficult, but everything that comes with her is exhausting. So yes. That.

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thanks for your encouraging words...means a ton!

Stacie@HobbitDoor said...

Love you, my sister. Love your heart. Love your honesty. Doing the right thing is not always the easy thing. What a beautiful heritage you two are passing down to all of your children.