Monday, October 22, 2012

Jealous For Me

He is jealous for me.

I love that song (How He Loves Us), I've been listening to it non stop lately. I'm sure it's clear around these parts that my time to post often like I used to has passed. I want to, but the kids, and the house, and every other detail of our life is keeping me running every single minute. Maybe some weeks will come with five little stories of what we're up to, and some will come with just one.

I like to keep things exciting like that. I'm such a game changer.

(sarcasm, laughter...they are my friends)

But all I can say today is that my heart is clinging to the Lord amidst the ever changing story that is our foster to adopt process. Nothing big has changed, except the fact that our close friends and family have received our reference papers which means that THEY ARE PROCESSING US. Yay!! That little bit of info made me smile.

I've been feeling pulled out of the typical things of my normal day to day existence that tend to make my thinking foggy. I love my laptop, but you know, sometimes you need a breather from the opinion of everyone else on the planet. Because my mind and my heart are only able to process 2 things right now: My family, and my future family.

It's hard to explain, so please bear with me if you've never walked this path. I had to take some things down by our visitation building the other day, and the drive and the scene always stings a little. An area that I used to always avoid at all costs is now a place that hits close to home. Believe me, I know there are worse places in the world to live. I have friends that have adopted out of third world countries, and I know there are other cities worse than the worst streets in our town. But it still hurts to know that she's out there...he's out there...they are out there.

And even though they won't be ours right away, I still have this huge desire to see them, and squeeze them, and love them fearlessly. No matter what the outcome.

Alone and abandoned, or abused and hungry, or growing in a womb that is filled with harm. The list goes on. You may not even want to know some of the things that are happening mere miles from your home. This broken world can be a scary place.

Yesterday I was out running errands and picking some things up at Babies R Us. And yes, I am that woman that goes in there for sippy cups, and comes out wanting another baby. I'm a fool for Johnson's baby soap and newborn diapers. Even the nursing and pumping stuff makes me miss my newborns.

Clearly, I should be on medicine.


There was this blanket that I have wanted for so long that would just keep a new little one SO warm. It doesn't even have to be a baby, a toddler would just snuggle right into it as well. So I picked it up and added it to my cart only to circle back around and put it back. I kept telling myself that I was getting to attached to this feeling in my heart and that I was bordering crazy since I was picking things out for a child I haven't met...and may not keep.

You may have picked up on this, but I am one of those gals who loves the pregnancy thing. I do. The anticipation, the round belly, the feeling of grace literally growing inside of me, it all just overwhelms this girl. But here I am, picking things out, and feeling that same love for a child I'm not carrying for 9 months...a child I don't even know yet. There is this desire inside of me that wants to hold them just as badly as I wanted to hold our biological kids when the doctor delivered them.

That is a God thing going on in my heart.

When I got in the car and started driving I realized, this is God preparing me. This feeling, this aching in my heart is Him rearranging things and making room for me to love beyond what I thought I could. It's Him.

It has taken a situation that is so far out of my realm of comfort to remind me that He is jealous for me. If you aren't totally dependent on Him, He'll gently stir the pot and hand you a situation so you see what you really need to focus on...Him.

I spend SO much time on things that don't matter, friends. I find my worth in the world and what the TV says and what I "should" be doing and from status's on Facebook. I always have to remind myself of what is true. The GREAT news is that He doesn't want you trying to live someone else's story, He wants you to live yours.

I am in a season where I have to silence all outside noise and focus on His plan and His story for us. Because if I look away, I am sure to miss something. He is jealous of my time, of what my heart chases after, and what I let myself be consumed with. And I am really seeing that now so clearly. Thankful that we are loved so much, and praying that we can share even a glimpse of that love with the new little loves He brings through our front door.

But for now, I will wait. And I'll pray for us...and for her...and for him...and for them. Whoever they are. Whoever He's preparing for us.

Happy Monday, friends. Thanks for sticking around for the ramblings :).


Amanda said...

Kate, I know this sounds weird to say, but this post made me feel...proud of you. :) Wow. Wow that you are taking on this ministry that God has placed in your heart. Wow that you aren't making excuses as to why you shouldn't do it(I think you have 6 excuses you could make and no one would blame you). Wow that you are already so invested and that you are already filled with such love. I remember when you were pregnant with your first set of twins and you were overwhelmed and scared at the unknowns. And now look at you. Makes me smile, Kate, and inspires me to revist my heart and stop making excuses. --Amanda Hildenbrandt

jenny said...

Love the post, love your heart, love that your family is on this journey. Amazing how God can grow your heart for a child you have not grown in your belly....sometimes when I look at my adopted kids I am just floored that out of the whole universe God saw fit to choose them for our family. Not that I don't adore my bio kids, but I just am blown away by His faithful, detailed hand in choosing us to parent the adopted children He hand-picked for us. SO looking forward to seeing what God has in store for your family. And you are so right, that sometimes when God places something big in your path....there just isn't room for much more than embracing that path that He time for other distractions when He is calling you to see all that He has before you! Love you!

Lenae said...

I agree with Amanda: I feel proud after reading this, humbled really... that I have the privilege to call you friend, and the joy to be inspired as I observe what God is doing through you and your family. I had similar trepidation (for different reasons, obviously) when we moved overseas last year, but He has confirmed for us over and over again that we are exactly where He wants us --even when others would insist it is not so. There is that turning in the heart, that flooring gust of warm Spirit-wind that is undeniable when you feel it sweep round your soul...

Thankful for your story. Keep sharing, whenever you can.

Dianne said...

Go back and buy the blanket! Seriously. Some of "our" kids most treasured possessions are the blanket(s) they have received as gifts when they first come into care. Even our teens loved their blankies. :)

Angela Moore said...

You are truly an inspiration. I loved this post and your passion behind parenthood. Buy the blanket!

Thoughts for the day said...

I always love your blog among the many I read. Your honesty is refreshing and hey maybe 'down the road' as you mature in this process a book deal will come your way. You never know what God is preparing way ahead of you and your heart.
There are little ones out there who have little hearts who have been hurt, and if you are the one to help heal them, then God will place that child in your home. Praying for you and all of your 'life's decisions'.

Jenn said...

Kate, this is absolutely beautiful! And it is SO true God is jealous for us! Love to see how He is working in your life!

Savvy Little Women - Kate said...

Thank you all so, SO much for your sweet and encouraging words! They have blessed my heart and encouraged me more than you'll ever know. Seriously, thank you :).

Jeni said...

I have a pair of newborn pink ruffle bloomers stashed away just in case we ever get a girl call! Jeremy just rolls his eyes, but it's all good :).

Enjoyed this post. God is preparing you. It's so good that you feel like you do....I think it is the ones that don't feel that way that we should worry about :).