He is jealous for me.
I love that song (How He Loves Us), I've been listening to it non stop lately. I'm sure it's clear around these parts that my time to post often like I used to has passed. I want to, but the kids, and the house, and every other detail of our life is keeping me running every single minute. Maybe some weeks will come with five little stories of what we're up to, and some will come with just one.
I like to keep things exciting like that. I'm such a game changer.
(sarcasm, laughter...they are my friends)
But all I can say today is that my heart is clinging to the Lord amidst the ever changing story that is our foster to adopt process. Nothing big has changed, except the fact that our close friends and family have received our reference papers which means that THEY ARE PROCESSING US. Yay!! That little bit of info made me smile.
I've been feeling pulled out of the typical things of my normal day to day existence that tend to make my thinking foggy. I love my laptop, but you know, sometimes you need a breather from the opinion of everyone else on the planet. Because my mind and my heart are only able to process 2 things right now: My family, and my future family.
It's hard to explain, so please bear with me if you've never walked this path. I had to take some things down by our visitation building the other day, and the drive and the scene always stings a little. An area that I used to always avoid at all costs is now a place that hits close to home. Believe me, I know there are worse places in the world to live. I have friends that have adopted out of third world countries, and I know there are other cities worse than the worst streets in our town. But it still hurts to know that she's out there...he's out there...they are out there.
And even though they won't be ours right away, I still have this huge desire to see them, and squeeze them, and love them fearlessly. No matter what the outcome.
Alone and abandoned, or abused and hungry, or growing in a womb that is filled with harm. The list goes on. You may not even want to know some of the things that are happening mere miles from your home. This broken world can be a scary place.
Yesterday I was out running errands and picking some things up at Babies R Us. And yes, I am that woman that goes in there for sippy cups, and comes out wanting another baby. I'm a fool for Johnson's baby soap and newborn diapers. Even the nursing and pumping stuff makes me miss my newborns.
Clearly, I should be on medicine.
There was this blanket that I have wanted for so long that would just keep a new little one SO warm. It doesn't even have to be a baby, a toddler would just snuggle right into it as well. So I picked it up and added it to my cart only to circle back around and put it back. I kept telling myself that I was getting to attached to this feeling in my heart and that I was bordering crazy since I was picking things out for a child I haven't met...and may not keep.
You may have picked up on this, but I am one of those gals who loves the pregnancy thing. I do. The anticipation, the round belly, the feeling of grace literally growing inside of me, it all just overwhelms this girl. But here I am, picking things out, and feeling that same love for a child I'm not carrying for 9 months...a child I don't even know yet. There is this desire inside of me that wants to hold them just as badly as I wanted to hold our biological kids when the doctor delivered them.
That is a God thing going on in my heart.
When I got in the car and started driving I realized, this is God preparing me. This feeling, this aching in my heart is Him rearranging things and making room for me to love beyond what I thought I could. It's Him.
It has taken a situation that is so far out of my realm of comfort to remind me that He is jealous for me. If you aren't totally dependent on Him, He'll gently stir the pot and hand you a situation so you see what you really need to focus on...Him.
I spend SO much time on things that don't matter, friends. I find my worth in the world and what the TV says and what I "should" be doing and from status's on Facebook. I always have to remind myself of what is true. The GREAT news is that He doesn't want you trying to live someone else's story, He wants you to live yours.
I am in a season where I have to silence all outside noise and focus on His plan and His story for us. Because if I look away, I am sure to miss something. He is jealous of my time, of what my heart chases after, and what I let myself be consumed with. And I am really seeing that now so clearly. Thankful that we are loved so much, and praying that we can share even a glimpse of that love with the new little loves He brings through our front door.
But for now, I will wait. And I'll pray for us...and for her...and for him...and for them. Whoever they are. Whoever He's preparing for us.
Happy Monday, friends. Thanks for sticking around for the ramblings :).