Tuesday, June 29, 2010

The Bend Before The Break

I am trying, I promise, to move on from this miscarriage. I did something stupid today, I took another pregnancy test - just to see if all the hormones were out of my system. It would give me some closure to see a negative test, right?

Wrong.

It was actually still positive. 2 lines, but no healthy pregnancy growing inside.

I swear, I'm trying.

I don't like being sad, I don't like admitting that I'm frustrated, and I don't like acting out of it...

But it's hard. And please believe me, I know we have been immensly blessed - those 5 little loves are like oxygen. We are very blessed, I know.

I think the fact that 2 months ago I told anyone who would listen that we were done having kids, at least I was 90% sure, and that I had things I wanted to pursue - and I was ready to just be Kate for awhile - now all that non sense chatter just makes it worse. It's funny how I thought I knew what I wanted.

I had a plan, I had an agenda, I had things I wanted to do.

But that was the problem, see? I need to do what God's wants for our family - to be who He is calling us to be.

God has a plan, God has an agenda, and God has things He wants me to do. Not the other way around.

That is a hard, but freeing lesson. I was focused on me, I need to be focused on Him.

Does God have plans for us to be a bigger family than we are? I don't know. But I do know that I want to be the family God wants us to be, period.

(not long ago I read an amazing post by Annie about The Bend. She is truly brilliant, you should follow her blog. I am encouraged by you, girl. Thanks SO much for writing for Him!)

He's bending me. I know it. The bend is always a learning experience - not always bad, just hard. It's the highest point of tension in your current stage of life - the point where you feel something has to break...something has got to give...something is about to happen to make things clearer, easier, better.

I see the bend in so many friends. It's in our family, in people soaked in ministry, in couples in the midst of adoption, people looking for jobs, marriages seeking counseling, and mom's who just don't know how to parent that 1 child - the one who pushes you further than the rest. The bend is everywhere.

But the break is near. Relief of some sort is coming. Good or Bad. I know, because He takes care of His children. He knows what is best.

The bend may not always be pretty, but it's always real. I think the bend , even though tough right now, is a blessing.

I needed the bend, but I'm looking forward to the break.

24 comments:

Mama D.'s Dozen said...

Don't apologize for the need to grieve. Keep being real to us. Keep giving it up to the Lord. Keep resting in His peace and grace and love. Let Him pull you through, in His timing.

And ... for everyone that says ... "You already have 5 blessings." Yea. So what? Having 5 blessings does NOT mean that this one should be any less of a loss. Having 5 blessings already means that you know what a BLESSING each and every child is. This was your child ... now waiting for you with the Lord.

If you are supposed to grieve less, because you didn't "know" this child as long as you knew your other children, does that mean that it would hurt less if you lost a 1 year old than a 5 year old. NO!!! When we lose a child, we lose a child.

If I were to lose my 8 year old, I would not grieve any less than if I were to lose my 26 year old.

In the same way, if you are to lose a child in your first month of pregnancy ... or your 5th month of pregnancy ... or the first month of their life outside the womb. You have still LOST A CHILD!

Sorry for the rant. I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. I already had 6 blessings when I lost this precious one. I know the pain. I know the insensitive comments that can be made. I know the hurt that can come from those comments.

I'm sorry that you are hurting, Kate. Wish I were there to take you out for coffee, and to give you a big hug.

Keep allowing God to determine the path for your family. He really does know what is best for each of us.

Be Blessed!!!

Laurel :)

Katy and Ross said...

Don't ever apologize for needing to get your thoughts out and grieve. I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have a miscarriage!

I know that you have 5 beautiful children, but maybe you are meant to have another one. Maybe you aren't. But you are right that it's not exactly up to you.

Keep your chin up...and if you start to feel the pain, I'm pretty sure that there are some cute little faces in your house to cheer you up!

becky said...

Love you!

bass family said...

I'm with the first two ladies to comment... don't apologize! I'm so glad you're sharing your journey with us... the good AND the bad. Who knows how many people who have struggled with miscarriages need to hear what you have to say?? Keep sharing, friend.

I just want to tell you something too that only a few people know... a couple of months ago, although it shouldn't be possible, we thought I might be pregnant. What a strange mix of emotions, because I was FOR SURE DONE with having kids. Having to deal with the possibility of being pregnant again, giving up "my" plan, then finding out I'm not pregnant and being strangely disappointed?? It was an exhausting emotional couple of weeks. I cannot imagine acutally becoming pregnant and then miscarrying on top of all that. So hang in there. It's going to take a while to heal and you'll never forget. And that's ok! Praying for you this morning!

Sarah said...

You are most definitely allowed to grieve. It doesn't matter how many kids you have...you lost someone that you had already fallen in love with. That is tragic.
I am probably the worst person to be giving advice right now, but I can tell you with the anxiety I am feeling in my own life, that I rest in a little bit of peace b/c I know God knows my hearts desire. I cannot understand how tragedy can be for His glory, but I am praying with you and for you as you wait on God's ultimate plan for you.

Eva said...

I think it's wonderful that you cared so much for the child growing inside of you... it shows your true love for Christ and His creation.

And.. we all grieve differently. I had a tubal pregnancy shortly before I got pregnant with Josiah and I wasn't at all upset.. I was smiling and laughing and people thought I was crazy. But.. for me it was all about having given God the power, He made the decision, I was just His vessel. I had such peace just being in His presence.

You have been blessed with a beautiful family but that doesn't mean you can't love/want the child you carried.

God bless.

~ Eva.

Jennifer said...

You are human, and it's natural to grieve, even if what you are grieving you didn't initially know your heart desired! Take the time you need to grieve, and allow God's peace to comfort you. You are so inspiring by showing others how you ultimately desire God's will and nothing else. Hang in there!

H-Mama said...

Bless your heart. I'm behind on reading posts... Sometimes, words are no good, you just need a hug. Take all the time you need. Wish I could hug you through the screen...

Lenae said...

I agree with all of the commenters above: grieve. Hurt. Heal. If we were girlfriends in real life, there'd be no need to explain it, yes? So air it out here, Kate. We'll listen and support as much as we can, via the sometimes frustrating perimeter of the Internet.

About this: "But that was the problem, see? I need to do what God's wants for our family - to be who He is calling us to be." I love it. I love that in your pain your are still seeking Him, drawing close to Him. Doing so never fails to remind us that His arms are already around us, holding tight.

TOLIVER FAMILY said...

ditto the above. grieving is part of the journey...the process. may God continue to richly bless you and your family during this time and always.

tabby said...

Praying.

This Heavenly Life said...

Oh, honey, you're such an amazing woman. I hope your break comes soon, but take as long as you need on this bend, okay?

(((Hugs)))

Kate @ Bliss and That said...

Your post is so full of emotion, and I can so feel it... I ache for you and with you, but am rejoicing in the fact that you are finding your strength in the Lord and his plan for you all. Nobody expects you to be over your pain and grief this soon... Take your time and heal in His mighty arms.

Jenn said...

Oh Kate! My heart aches for you. I know your grief. What I love is that you are still giving it to the Lord. Still looking to Him. God is our rock and our fortress. Keep turning to Him, He will comfort and keep you.

Annika said...

Being molded into who God wants us is never easy. Hang in there!! He will see you through. Promise!

jenny from mommin' it up said...

love this. take your time "moving on". we have to own our wins and our losses and trust that they all glorify Him even though we may never truly see how until we're with Him.

Nicole said...

I just had my first miscarriage in December at 16 weeks. My baby was due in May.
We lost a child. It doesn't matter if you already have 10 kids. It still hurts. It's something that I think we will never get over. So don't try to force yourself or rush through the grieving process. I still cry for my baby and I probably still will until I meet him again.

jenny said...

Appreciate your honesty and transparency. I have felt that "bend" before and sometimes it does feel like the "break" will never come. Keep turning those emotions over to Him....our struggles are never in vain, but always for His glory. Love you, friend!

heather@it'stwinsanity said...

((big hugs))

I'm praying for you and you have been in my thoughts everyday.

The Florida Hogans said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I know what you are growing through. I had two miscarriages one before each of my daughters and it was by far one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through. I promise as the days goes on it will get easier. Your family is beautiful. You are in my prayers.

Courtney said...

i say these feelings you should be having tell us all, that you thought wrong! and in many ways, I am happy you thought wrong! For yourself, that fact that you realize you have thought wrong means that your heart truly is large and has room for oh so much love beyond the love needed only for yourself. you are not a selfish person, and your plan WAS not the plan for you!

The good ol' saying of 'there is always a reason...'

And - hang in there, no matter what anyone says or does... the only thing that can help is time! It sure does heal all wounds.

Maybe this had put a fork in he road for you! Maybe your journey is supposed to go down the other path...

Hugs....

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Oh, Kate - I am so sorry. Truly, I wish I could give you a hug right now. My prayers are with you as grieve and go through this process...

This post was beautifully written - we are going through our own "bending" right now, and I honestly want to throw a fit sometimes and say, I'm done! But I know God has a plan, for you, for me, for all of us - and so I hold on to that.

Membership Required said...

Kate I am sorry that you are covered in a blanket of despair right now. I remember that feeling. I pray that you heal from the loss and that God leads you to where you should be. Whether that be with child or in an all together different direction. Trust he will lead you exactly where you need to be. Hugs from Texas. ML

Angela Moore said...

My heart goes out to you. I'm going through the same thing right now (http://www.dancingatmydesk.com/2010/07/a-note-on-mourning/). I hope you find peace soon.