Wednesday, May 12, 2010

I Know, I've Said It Before...

I should be fired. Mercy, I was one "mom fail" after another today. Tonight I sit here and replay the way I acted as I reached the end of my rope - I feel awful.

We have been staying with my inlaws for the past (almost) 6 months while we are in "transition." Our new (to us) home is almost ready...but the road has been long & stressful. Eric goes to the house straight from work, so we rarely see him. Our house with the perfect (for us) layout, has needed a complete makeover. My man is handy and dedicated - but it has been a big job...

Easy? No. Worth it? Yes. Patience? Me? Very little.

I have tried my best. And yes, I could try harder. Ahem.

The 45min drive to and from school, not having Eric here at all, and just not being able to go "home", is taking it's toll. I'm exhausted, I'm frazzled, and not myself. I can even see the stress of the situation in the girls...I can see it's affecting them too.

Lord, please help me to be patient - I don't want my little loves affected by all this.

But today, the girls paid for my stress. Tonight was one of those nights when I sat down and cried after I tucked them in, knowing that I have failed today. I feel terrible. So I just wanted to post this poem that I posted a while back...it really says it all...

A Cross Mother

Oh God, I was so cross to the children today. Forgive me. I was discouraged and tired - and I took it out on them. Forgive my bad temper, my impatience, and most of all, my yelling. I am so ashamed as I think of it.

I want to kneel down by each of their beds and ask them to forgive me, but I can't.

They wouldn't understand. I must go on living with the memory of this awful day, and my unjust tirades.

Hours later I can still see the fear in their eyes as they scurried around trying to appease me, thinking my anger and raving was their fault.

Oh, God, the helplessness of children. Their innocence before the awful monster, the enraged adult.

And how forgiving they are, hugging me so fervently at bedtime, kissing me goodnight.

All I can do is straighten a cover, touch a small head burrowed in a pillow, and hope with all my heart that they will forgive me.

Lord, in failing these little ones that you have put in my keeping, I am failing You. Please let your infinite patience and goodness replenish me for tomorrow.

-Majorie Holmes

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So here we are, it's morning. Today will be better.

Deep breath in, exhale out, right?!

14 comments:

Rana said...

Oh my goodness Kate! Absolutely tomorrow will be better. We all have days like this. You are such a wonderful mom. Your babies love you and I know you love them. Just by sharing with us all the fun things you do for them and with them. This was just one bad day. Keep looking towards tomorrow and don't let this upset you.

What a great poem. I'm also sending you an Award. I should have the post up for Wednesday come by my blog and see.

Joan said...

So amazing how I can so relate! In 2007 I went thru the same thing! We were having a house built and we were staying with my in laws. To make things crazier.. I was pregnant with my second child. I hardly saw my husband, because at one point, I had to leave and stay with my parents it got so bad. It was the longest 9 months ever, but I have to say it brought us so much closer. It was the largest sacrifice as a family we had to make to be apart like that.. knowing that at the end the outcome would be the ultimate reward. I hope it's nearing the end for you and wish you luck!

On the Mommy note. I almost feel like that daily. My work schedule is tiring and makes me irritable. So when the kids act out I have no patience and just react. Lately i fee it's getting worse. Thank you for posting that Poem. I'm taking it and am going to read it daily =)

bass family said...

Oh my gosh! I had the same exact kind of day yesterday. I found myself apologizing to my two year olds last night (thankfully Maggie was out of the house most of the day). Hang in there, friend. His mercies are new EVERY morning... we get to start over today, and it's going to be MUCH better!

Machelle said...

Tomorrow will be better (WELL, today) I hope it helps to know you are not alone. I think we all have those days. I hate those days as well. They know you love them and I think God made children so forgiving for this reason...he knew we moms, as humans, let our emotions get in the way of things sometimes. You are human! Love the poem, I may steal it from you. :)

Goldylocks aka Erin said...

{{{HUGS}}} We all have our days. Forget about it, today is a new day.

Beautiful poem. I may need to save that to re-read when there is the need...and there will be.

wonderchris said...

Praying for a frazzle-free day!!!

Lenae said...

Oh man, I've had a day like this too. Thanks for the prayer- I'll be praying for you.

Steph at Problem Solvin' Mom said...

I have been saying a daily prayer for patience for the past few weeks. You are such a fabulous mom, and our children are so loving and forgiving!

*hugs*
Steph

becky said...

I don't know how you've managed to stay sane (for the most part...:)) during these last several months! You have had one thing after another thrown at you, and despite all of it, you have continued to stay strong and keep your precious little girls feeling happy, healthy, and truly loved. Everyone has an off day, and you, by all means, are entitled to one every now and then! Your girls ADORE YOU and have probably already completely forgotten about what happened yesterday. You are an AMAZING mom and an AMAZING friend. Love you like crazy!

Elizabeth said...

Hang in there... living with other people is very stressful as is having an absent hubby. I hope this passes really quickly and you can be "home" soon.

TOLIVER FAMILY said...

bless your heart. don't be too hard on yourself. children are so forgiving...they'll forgive you before they wake. give them lots of hugs and kisses... i hope your tomorrow (today) was better

Heather said...

I love that poem and that you shared all of that. I've felt that way too. It's a blessing that they don't have a long memory at this point! Sad for us that we do on these rough days.

Michelle said...

As I read this, I began to sob. I feel like you riped the words right out of my heart. This was my first time reading your blog & I felt like you were in my head. Thank you for sharing so vulnerably. I have felt that same way so many times. I pray that God would make me worthy of the two little gifts that he has given me to care for (Stephen 2.5yrs & Elie 11mo).

My husband is a bi-vocational youth pastor, so we don't see him much either. I do at least have my home. Thank you again for sharing. You have made my day better.

Kate @ Bliss and That said...

Oh, Kate, ((HUGS))!!! The first time you posted this poem it got to me, as did this time. My hubby has been away for three weeks (other than Sat. and Sun.), and it's amazing how much their presence and support in the evening after work really does make a difference! I've yelled way too much lately at the little ones, and despise myself for it. I feel like I fail daily... God's mercy and grace are so good, though, to gift us a fresh start every day. I try to keep that in mind, ask Him for forgiveness and strength, and try to keep in mind that these hard seasons of life truly are some of the best we'll ever have. You're doing great, Friend! Hang in there and prayers your way! :)