The Ministry Of Motherhood

"Why are you adding more when you already have 6?"

You can only imagine how many times that question has swung my way over the past several months.

And my answer? Um, all I have to do is snuggle into Lincolns chubby cheeks for a second and my ovaries start firing off eggs. I'm an odd one. A collector of children.

Not really, I don't say that although I should, yes? I usually just respond with a "why not" or a "yep, we're crazy like that."

I get why people ask those questions though. And I would imagine that every mom gets why people ask those questions, because every mom gets how hard her job is. It's like when you have a newborn, and you're a week postpartum, and you haven't showered or brushed your teeth, and the baby is crying while your other kids are fighting, and the washing machine just ate your last pair of hospital net underwear.

(Not that I know what that is like.)

There is never a part of me though that views adding more kiddos to our family as "inconvenient", I feel like we're only moving forward with God's plan for our family.

Does changing diapers, filling sippy cups, wiping noses, cleaning up crumbs off the floor, and folding load after load of laundry always feel glamorous? Not at all. And would I love to have a full conversation at the park without having to tell my children to stop eating the mulch? Sure. But that's not my life right now...

Like I've confessed before, I have many days when this mom gig feels mundane and redundant. Let's just all go ahead and admit that some days kinda suck. C'mon, raise your hand, some days being a mother sucks the life right out of you and all you want to do is run screaming from you're house. It's ok to admit it, you're safe here.

Motherhood is hard. That is a simple fact. Some days more than others.

It's kind of like a roller coaster...with only tall hills and loops...and you just keep going up the tall hill anticipating the other side, and then after the rush of going down the hill it throws you for another loop. Yea, it's kinda like that.

Foster care is also like that, a roller coaster that never ends. Yesterday we had a visit with their mom, she decided to show up, and we all sang Cumbaya. Not really. The reality is that there is never a time that it doesn't sting a little when they run to her and all of the sudden I fall into 2nd place. Not going to lie, it actually stings a lot, especially with all we're dealing with with the girls.

But for some reason a child instinctively wants their mom to love them, regardless of the ugly past. That is the power of a mother's love.

I even find myself caring about their mom in a mothering way. Don't get me wrong, this woman can make me crazy, but like I've mentioned before, she's pretty young and never really had a mom. So I stand in this weird place where I want to keep her girls, but I also want to reach out and love her as well. I even found myself in the grocery yesterday buying her prenatal vitamins (because yes, she's expecting again. Don't EVEN get me started.). She feels like the enemy sometimes, but that motherly instinct to love her always trumps the bad feelings. Us mothers can't help it, its running through our tired veins.

The deep down ugly truth is that I often just want her to go away even though I know God's plan is best, and  even though I know they are not really mine. But they feel like they're mine. Until we see her. And then I am humbled right into the background of the whole story. But that is the thing, mothers often are changing lives and keeping things going behind the scenes of everyday life - there is not a lot of recognition, but He sees us.

We are mothers. And we love relentlessly, even when it seems crazy. And it is indeed crazy!

Right now, motherhood is my ministry. It's how I serve, even when it feels so, so mundane and ordinary. But shaping lives is anything but ordinary.

The world tells us that we need to keep defining ourselves with things, and people, and money, and a "better you!" But God has already given us a defining role, and the more I embrace it the more I find my true self - right here, in this calling to be a mother.

Whether you're in the baby stage, or the school age stage, or the waiting for your kiddo through adoption stage, it's always a moving forward with God's plan of motherhood stage. And that's a good place to be.

So today, and tonight, and the next day, and the following years after that, I will continue on this crazy road of mothering. The hardest, but by far the most rewarding road I've been on to date.

Some More Of This And That

- There are only about 71 days till Summer vacation. Just in case you were wondering. The pool, the sun on our faces, it is BLISS. Can not wait! And no, I'm not sure yet how I will do the pool with 8 kids, but I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out :).

- Love, love, love you guys for your encouragement and advice on the possible seizures A is having. We go this morning for her EEG, and as far as I know, we won't have results right away. She is having a "sleep deprived" test so we couldn't put her to bed any earlier than 11pm, and had to wake her by 5am. Sweet mercy, this child needs her sleep or things get ugly - so it's probable that both of us will be crying by the time the test is over.

Send chocolate and sarcastic humor.

- Just to fill you in a bit... we found out last week that her "delays" are pretty significant, so that could all play into the staring spells she is having. Basically she has some receptive, processing, and communication issues going on - all part of what He intended for her even though it seems REALLY unfair right now. And honestly, shes been through a lot, so that could play a part as well. She has a long road ahead, but I know she'll be ok :). She is a sweet little trooper, and I know He has a great plan for her!

- I love them more and more everyday. Which scares me because, well, it's foster care. Just had to get that out.

- On to lighter things. We had the school carnival this weekend and the older girls were so excited. Reason #249 to have a big family: you always win a cake at the cake walk when you're kids are involved. Great odds, people.

- I bought these cosmetic bags for a couple friends at Christmas, and then saw not long ago that the lady dropped the price to $15! So cheap, so stinkin' cute! It makes me happy.

- Oh, before I forget - I am changing my twitter, facebook, instagram, etc over to the name "Filled To The Brim". Remember a few months back when I did a blog makeover? Well, it's time to take the name change full circle...I've put it off long enough. So just remember that it is still me in your news feed! Same savvy crew, only a tad different :).

I can hardly loosen my grip from "Savvy Little Women". It's where we come from, it's who we are, it's in our blood.

Too far? Sorry.

- I've wanted to hang some new things on our walls. You know, just change things up a bit. But then when I go to do it I get all scattered - Should I hang new pictures? A canvas? Modern wall art? An oversized fork?
I went with pictures, seems simple, but I like simple.

- Alright, I'm off to try and keep A up until the test. Praying, praying, praying for the best!

Back soon, friends!

Love Big

So I turned 32 over the weekend. And you know what? It doesn't feel much different than 31 :).

And my anxious-flyer self even hopped on a flight home all by myself on Sunday. I know, I'm growing up so fast.

I spent the weekend in Atlanta with some friends at the Created For Care retreat for foster and adoptive moms. We spent 48 hours talking about how to "love big" when it comes to our kids and through the ups and downs of parenting kiddos from hard places. Lot's of info and lot's to take in, but it was really good :).

It also ended up being a much needed reminder that He is still pursuing me, as I pursue a new normal for my family right now. It's SO easy to get lost in the shuffle of day to day life as a mom, and it was really refreshing to remember that I am part of the story too - that my heart matters to Him as well. Goodness, that is so easy to forget when you are giving yourself completely to these little loves day in and day out!

My mommy heart had been struggling so much from carrying the weight of our situation. I do not like crying in public, but I could not keep composure in some of these sessions, friends. I have been so fearful of loving big and losing time and time again - but lately I have started to feel a release from that. I just feel this peace about loving as much as we can, even though the future isn't clear. Because if we don't love these kids, then who will? And if we don't love in the darkness of this world, then what use are we as Christians?

He is faithful and with us every step of the way. That's all I could ask for in this mommy journey.

Last week I had a Dr appointment for A. I know I've mentioned that we have been worried about some things going on with her, and I believe we have found some reasons. The issues seem a tad bigger than just delays, and the team at our childrens hospital believe that she is actually having seizures - at night and several during the day in the form of what looks like a total "zone out".

So. Huge deep breaths. (And maybe some wine.) Both seem to help.

Monday morning we have an EEG scheduled for her and we are praying for the best - that they aren't seizures, and that things are better than they seem. But if they are indeed exactly what they seem? That's ok too. His plan is the best plan for our journey. I feel at total peace about that.

We saw the mom last week and I'm still feeling that compassionate feeling inside me for her, even though I hate her choices. She grew up much like her kids are, and I have to literally force myself not to embrace her when she talks about it. Because friends, I just want to hug this woman for some reason. I think I'm about to cross the line of what I "should" be doing, to what I feel like He would want me to do. And that is to love as big as we can for as long as we can - and right now I feel like that includes the kids and her.

We'll see where that goes.

Like I've said, I may get burned, but I don't think choosing to love someone who needs it is ever a bad thing. Jesus loves me even though I don't deserve it, and that is what I keep thinking of when I think of her.

And honestly, I have been seeing that there is a possibility that He led us here to just love, maybe not adopt. I don't view it as loving and losing anymore, I view it as loving as many as we can for as long as He lets us. I need to let go of my plans and embrace His perfect story for our family. Adding a little one forever would just be a bonus :).

In other news, we have a school carnival this weekend, it will be a first for C. I can not even begin to tell you how excited this child is to do the "cake walk". Makes me smile! Although I think we could go into cake overload if all the children play - gotta have boundaries, people.

But really, are boundaries even realistic when it comes to cake?

So anyway, that's kind of what we've been up to. I'm determined to get the laundry completely done and put away today after being gone all weekend. But let's be honest, relaxing with the kids sounds SO much better :).

Back soon!

A List Of This And That

- I would love to update you on a great visit with bio mom from last week, but I can't. And I'd love to jot down some details about things that wouldn't surprise you yet still shock you, but let me just say this; she is very upset with the workers about her situation, security was involved, and it was ridiculously ugly. So we are still taking it a day at a time, I am frustrated with her decisions, but the girls are safe & loved, and He is still in control. 

- We got all the kids dressed Sunday morning and went to church, it's only our 2nd time to brave it with our new normal. A wore some tights and she thought they were SO great, she calls them her "crazy socks" :)...

- I am leaving this Friday to fly to Atlanta for a Foster/Adoption retreat called Created For Care. I am super excited to get away for a couple days but also super nervous to leave all my loves. Oh, and I MIGHT be a semi-anxious flyer. So you can pray for my nerves :).

- I come back on Sunday, it's my birthday. I'll be 25. Or 32. Or 30. Or 28. Or something.

(alright, 32.)

- Ella has started "getting ready" in the bathroom when we leave the house. It has begun, Lord help me.

- I went into Target, and big surprise, I came out with things I didn't need. But for real, these owl boxes make me HAPPY, and they are on sale for like $7...

- I posted on Facebook last week that we made these Black Bean Brownies. And seriously, it's almost funny how good they are. I don't know why this recipe makes any sense, but believe me it does.

- I SO appreciate the advice and emails (I'll be writing back soon!) I got on attachment issues. You all are great. For reals.

- Some of the kids are now crying and fighting over what sounds like a bean bag chair...but it could be anything. Gonna check out the madness and then make dinner :).

Till later, friends!

I'm A Fixer

It is my personality to want to fix things, especially when it comes to my children. Kids having problems? I'll take care of it. Friend needs some support? I'll be there. Laundry is out of control? I've got a system to handle it.

But I can't fix this. And He is teaching me that I shouldn't be trying to put every piece back together in any broken situation all by myself. He is the One that restores. He is the One that heals. And He is the One that makes sense of the storms.

Goodness, this has all been a tad consuming. I feel like I spend a lot of my time praying, "Lord, is it your plan for us to keep these girls? Or are You planning to rebuild their bio family? Should I do this? Should I do that? PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER!"

Ahem. Sorry. Clearly my patience isn't great.

C has been struggling. Its just plain and simple. She is sad, and I can tell that her little 5 year old thoughts are elsewhere. She has been here almost 3 months, she is confused about her mom, and she wants me to make the hurting stop. She wants me to explain why she never comes to see her, and she wants me to fix it. But I can't - and I hate that.

So I stand in this confusing space of wanting to reach out to the mom and show her grace, and wanting to come across the table at the her during our next visit. Just being honest.

I can tell that C wants to love me, yet she keeps me at an arms length some of the time. She needs me, but she's not sure she can trust me. We have this constant power struggle, I want the natural relationship to be there, but the bottom line is that it just takes time. All things that are worth while take time. Our foster worker (who I love) told me something last week that keeps haunting me...

"She's waiting for you to leave."

That's a sobering truth for me. So this past week I have spent a lot of time reassuring, and I have spent a lot of time tucking her in and saying, "you know I'm here for good, right? I'm not going anywhere." We are making progress, but I must confess that having a child reject your love and ask for a woman who has basically abandoned her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

(I know it's all part of foster care. Feel free to jump in here with all the experience that you might have with attachment problems)

I can't fix it, but I know He can in His timing. Even though its a mess right now, I can also say that it has been the biggest lesson in unconditional love for me. I can hate the mom all I want, but the bottom line is her sin is no different than my sin in the Lords eyes - hers is just more public. There are not only kids that need homes, but there are families that need hope.

We are supposed to see her today, it will only be the 2nd time in 12 weeks that she has come. I can already tell you that C is going to feel abandoned again, and that it will be a hard day for her. So please pray for her little heart, I would really appreciate it!

I want to put all the pieces back together, but that's not my job. My job is to love unconditionally and try to share Jesus in any way I can while we have them. His promises aren't empty, He will bring beauty from ashes in all of this - that is about the only thing I'm currently sure of :).

You Are More

than the cook...

more than the chauffeur...

more than the referee...

more than the cleaner...

and more than the lady chasing her kid down aisle 8.

A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31: 10-12)

You are more than a number...

more than a size...

more than an exercise...

more than the latest trends.

and more than the worlds pressure to be perfect.

Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31: 29-30)

You are more than a soccer mom...

more than a pto volunteer...

more than a field trip chaperon..

and more than the one who's always pushing a stroller and wearing a baby while cheering her kiddo on.

She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. (Proverbs 31: 15-16)

You are more than the sock sorter...

more than the lunch packer...

more than the math teacher...

more than the cupcake maker...

and more than the one who tucks their shirts in, wipes their faces off, and sends them on their way.

 She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet. (Proverbs 31: 20-21)

You are more than the potty trainer, bath giver, and the crumb cleaner.

You are His.

Living in His sweet grace.

Clinging to this giant role.

Bringing up these little treasures that call you mama.

You are sought after, chased down, cuddled up next to, kissed on, waited for, and adored by those He's entrusted to you. You have the most important job with the greatest benefit package.

And today is another day to embrace that gift...this calling.

Enjoy it, it's fleeting.

(Just a re-post today...because I've had to remind myself of these things this week. :)

In The Motherhood

Motherhood is beautiful. And fun, and exciting, and adventurous. It's also really rough sometimes. The day in and the day out has gotten to me lately, and before I know it, I'm crying over the stove while I stir macaroni and cheese. You know those moments. The kids are crazy, dinner isn't ready, you're still in your workout clothes from that morning, and the husband just called and said he's going to be late.

I am thankful for this role, but honestly, sometimes, it can feel all consuming. I feel like I'm often just coasting in on fumes by bedtime.

Have I truly become that woman who lost herself in motherhood?

That is the age old question of the mother who's in yoga pants, with her hair tied back, breaking up a fight, and carrying a laundry basket down the stairs while a crying child hangs on her leg.

(Good news, though. Even when we feel lost in motherhood, He still sees us.)

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted to grow bundles of joy in my womb and I've wanted to have little arms to hug my neck. I asked, and He answered, 6 times over. And now He is letting us love on kids that need a family.

I will forever feel undeserving of these amazing kiddos, and I will also forever say that they are living proof of His grace in my life. Walking, talking, growing, and snugly grace.

Goodness, that's a lot of weddings right there.

But even though motherhood is nothing short of miraculous, it's easy to feel consumed and burnt out. You know what God is teaching me, though? It's ok to feel burnt out.

It's ok to feel like you want something for yourself, it's ok to feel like you need a break, and its ok to feel like you might run screaming from your house. God knew us moms would feel these things, none of those feelings surprise Him like they do us.

My people pleasing instinct is to paint this pretty picture of a life that is always filled with beautiful pictures of the kids and I sharing ice cream cones and braiding each others hair. But that is not real life. Real life is me breaking up arguments over who is looking at who, kids crying because we're not buying something out of the dollar bins at Target, floors that desperately need mopped, and a mother that often needs the biggest chill pill YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

Just being honest.

Sometimes I don't like to say all this out loud...cause that makes it real.

After all, what good mom gets burnt out? What good mom admits that she feels totally consumed by the day to day routines? What mother says she is just tired of being tracked down every second of the day? And what good mother admits that some days she just wants to get in the car and drive away??

Hi, my name is Kate, and I'd like to admit those things - along with the fact that I sometimes feel swallowed whole by motherhood.

And while we're admitting things, I sometimes tell my kids that I have to use the restroom when I don't. And then there's those times when I walk at a glacier pace to return my shopping cart to the cart corral after I get my herd in the car. And ok, I'm not really resting my eyes, I am trying to catch a quick nap but I can't because A CHILD KEEPS POKING ME IN THE FACE.

Ahem.

The responsibility of motherhood is heavy - you have to reach a point where you realize it wasn't meant for you to carry alone. He wants to listen and help. I think the magic moment is when you see and believe that every season and every journey is part of the bigger plan to make you who He wants you to be.

So ultimately, this mommy journey isn't just about the kids, it's about God doing a work in you as well. We are a big part of the picture even though we're often covered up by sweet little loves and buried beneath embarrassing amounts of laundry. Behind the cute kids and the perfect family picture is a mom running the household ship all day until she lays her head down at night. We are stronger than we think, and oh are we cherished by Him.

"The days are long, but the years are short." I can't remember where I read that but I know it's true. So I'm taking every seasoned parents advice that "this time will go so fast" - even though it doesn't feel that way some days.

I don't have much "me time", and my days are about serving others - and because of that, I think I'm starting to see myself clearer. I'm starting to see that motherhood is about me too, that my heart and my passions matter to Him just as much as the kids matter to me.

He's not just our God, but our Father, remember? And a Father cares about His child.

It's all grace. Messy, consuming, but amazing grace. I see now that He's using them to help mold me, as I try to mold them.

The Mommy Quiz

After having half of a poptart thrown over the shower curtain this morning while washing my hair, I decided it was time to take the motherhood quiz again.

These are the questions of our lives. Or maybe just my life. You can decide.

1.) You go out for a morning run and upon arrival home you have 4 minutes before you need to wake the children. Do you...
A. Brush your teeth
B. Take the worlds quickest shower
C. Wait 5 minutes till the baby starts screaming then shower with him on your hip.
D. Wait till all the children are up and available to stand in the bathroom to confirm you have no privacy.

2.) Breakfast is over for the kids and now you have 90 seconds to eat something before the first fight of the day breaks out over who holds the remote. Do you...
A. Eat the leftover scraps from the table.
B. Eat the half eaten granola bar that's in your pocket from yesterday (yes, you have the same pants on).
C. Pray that Starbucks has started delivering breakfast to moms across the nation at 8am every morning.
D. Eat Cheerios out of the no spill bowl that you poured for your baby while one child hangs on your leg.

3.) There are 47 loads of laundry to do and only 24 hours in the day. Do you...
A. Pack the washer way beyond capacity and hope the water reaches every piece.
B. Drag it all to goodwill and start over.
C. Eat a donut.
D. Ignore it and wait for your imaginary cleaning lady to show up.

4.) 3 of your kids have soccer. The oldest has soccer at 5:30 and the middle 2 have soccer at 6pm. They all need to eat 1 hour before and will want to eat again within 1 hour of being home. Then all 8 need baths before the 1st bedtime at 7:15 and the 2nd bedtime at 7:45 which is basically impossible. How do you go about this without losing your mind?

Explain your answer & show your work.

5.)  "Me time" is now defined as...
A. Sitting in the car by yourself during soccer practice.
B. A root canal on a sunny afternoon.
C. Walking to the mailbox.
D. All of the above.

6.) The FedEx guy rings the doorbell during naptime and WAKES THE BABY. Do you...
A.) Punch him in the face.
B.) Kick him in the shins.
C.) Make him trade jobs for a day now that he's made yours harder.
D.) Take deep breaths similar to those while in labor to cool down before opening the door.

7.) You were just ripped from your sleep by (please note that the offender is subject to a don't-wake-mama outburst followed by a heartfelt & half-asleep apology)...
A. A child who has peed in their bed
B. A child who has peed in your bed
C. A child who has thrown up in their bed
D. A child who has thrown up in your bed

8.) When driving alone in the car Dora the Explorer comes on your Ipod and it takes you how long to change it...
A. 5 seconds
B. 10 seconds
C. 15 seconds
D. Before you know it, you realize you are at a stop light with the window rolled down and you have sang along to the whole song. (You know you don't know any adult songs anymore.)

9.) You tell the children to sit at the table quietly, but it translates into kid language as...
A. Run around the table till someone falls and cries.
B. Act like your sippy cups are bowling balls.
C. Say you aren't eating what is cooking before you've even seen it.
D. Start making fake crying noises cause mom hasn't heard enough actual crying and whining today.

10.) 67 is...
A. The amount of times someone yelled "mom!" in the past 10 minutes.
B. How many diapers you changed this week.
C. The amount you spent at Target after going in for only 1 thing that cost $3.99.
D. The amount of times you've said this week that your car should have one of those dividers that can go up and down like in a limo.

11.) You can't get anywhere on time. For this you blame...
A. Shoes that won't tie themselves.
B. Someone inevitably always has to go potty the moment you're ready to walk out the door.
C. PMS
D. Not being able to find your car keys that have been clipped to YOUR OWN belt loop for the past 20 minutes.

12.) While on the phone, one of the children is saying, "mom...mom...mama...mommy...mom...mama". Their important question is...
A. How tall are you?
B. Can turtles jump?
C. Is Ohio a country?
D. Can you flush a barbie doll?

(insert me banging my head against the nearest wall after that last one.)

13.) You still have 45 minutes till the husband gets home. 3 children are fighting, 3 are crying, and 2 have the tv volume turned up to 84. You...
A. Consider scheduling a tubal.
B. Consider scheduling a vasectomy.
C. Eat another donut.
D. Call your mom and apologize for anything you ever did as a child.
*Bonus option!*
E. All of the above.

14.) While changing clothes, with all the kids in your room of course, you hear...
A. Total silence. Just stares, wide eyes and looks of confusion and wonder on their face. You might get an occasional self esteem boosting, "you're really big" or "what is that???". (please note that the test administrator decided there was only one answer for this question)

(Its shocking that mothers get out of bed in the morning sometimes, isn't it?)

15.) You're life is...
A. Busy, but so blessed.
B. Completely exhausting, but fulfilling.
C. Chaotic, but packed full of sweetness.
D. All of the above.

Sigh, what would I do with all my extra time if I didn't have to answer these pressing questions all day long :)?

Your life is filled with these same questions, right?

When The Hard Stuff Becomes The Good Stuff

We're 8 weeks old today. How can that be?

It's been a crazy ride so far. It's almost funny to think back and see how things have progressed. So for my records, here's an honest look at the journey so far...

We started out this adventure in what I like to call the "newborn fog". We didn't have babies but they were still new to us. I didn't know what I was doing, C & A were smiling big, and our bio children were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over their new foster siblings. This is so fun! We can fix anything! Go God! Woohoo!

A couple weeks passed and the ooh-ing and ahh-ing was replaced by "gimme that back!" and "the new girl just hit me in the face with a Barbie!". The laughing at bedtime that I initially thought was so sweet went from cute to go-to-sleep-before-mommy-turns-into-crazy-mommy. Things from the past started to surface with the girls that concerned me a good amount, my eager spirit starts to get anxious, and I basically felt like I had a billion kids at my feet all day long.

Fast forward another couple weeks. I'm a little mad at life. Good feelings are dwindling fast. I'm full of doubt. We see that A is hurting a good amount, and all the joy has basically turned to worry. Our bio children are staring with wide eyes as we push through some stuff with the girls, I am not attaching to them the way I dreamed I would, and I am begging Eric to magically come up with a solution or a reason as to why we did this.

I missed my family. You know, the old and predictable version of us.

It wasn't that I didn't love our new additions, I do love them very much, I was just having trouble making sense of it all...and it was draining. But He is changing me. He is changing us. And slowly but surely, our family is taking on a new shape. It's still hard. But there is a new and fresh wind blowing, my friends.

Something sweet is happening. There is relief, and a new normal, and a different love for C & A. We are all adjusting in a new way, A has a lot to be addressed but is the sweetest little thing, and we are seeing that God IS IN THIS. I can feel people praying. Grace is surfacing from the hard, and light is shining through the ugly.

Pushing through the hard is bringing in the good.

I remember telling my husband after a long foster class about struggling and hurting kids, "We won't have to worry about that...we're not taking a child that age...we'll get a little one before they experience a lot of bad." I'm embarrassed of that now, because that statement came from me wanting to be comfortable, not from me wanting to step outside my sheltered bubble of "on track" children and healthy babies. 

Look at her. No seriously, look at her. Isn't she sweet :)? Even though I can't show her entire face, I want you to see those innocent eyes. Look at her and know that the things she is dealing with are not her fault, she didn't ask for it, and she didn't deserve it.

Look at her and try not to love her, try to say it's too hard, try to say you can't love and let go. It's impossible.

This child and her big sister are not what I had planned. They have stretched me out of my comfort zone, and they have rocked my comfortable little world. But oh have they changed me forever. He has used them to focus my eyes back on Him, and they have reminded me that He is the ONLY one with the answers. None of this crap makes any sense without Him.

The hard stuff has become the good stuff. It has become the stuff that is changing us and molding us. It has become the stuff that is drawing us closer to Him.

He knew I didn't need easy, He knew I needed a little storm. I needed to be reminded that in my weakness He is strong, and that I can't do or fix it all. 

Yesterday was a good day. Sure, we had our moments but who doesn't? Their story has impacted me on so many levels, I've even felt pulled lately to reach out to their bio mom. I'm excited to see what He has in store here...for them and for us.

There is hope and grace for each new day, and for now, I really couldn't ask for anything more than that :). 

He's The One...

Still.

He's the quiet one, the one who lives with all these women, the one who gushes over his little boy, the one who kills the bugs, the one who loves to work in the garage, and the one who doesn't love to be in pictures...

He's the one I don't write about enough, the one who wrestles with the kids, the one who tells me to take deep breaths, the one who reminds me of God's grace, the one who can build anything, and the one who can't get enough snuggles with our new babies...

He's the one who keeps me grounded, the one who deals with my "fly by the seat of my pants" personality, the one who has worked through the hard stuff with me, the one who has taught me to trust, and the one who acts crazy with the kids so I can just do dishes inside by myself :) ...

He's the one that sat next to me through 4 deliveries, the one who held all the babies first, the one who is most reserved, the one who thinks things through, and the one who tells me not to worry.

He's the one who said "lets love as many kids as we can, for as long as we can" when we started our foster care process, the one who tells me to love them fearlessly, the one who tells me to take it a day at a time, and the one who reminds me that God is always in control.

He's the one I married 10 years ago today.

He's the one.

Happy 10th anniversary to the guy who takes such good care of me :). Here's to many more!

We Built A City

Sort of.

More of a country road. 

But anyway. I had to share in case anyone else needs a way to keep the kids busy for an hour so you can get some laundry done. Or so you can catch up on your tv recordings. Either one.

I made a road with white tape, and then we set up dollhouses along the side. So the girls each lived in their own homes and had "parties" at each others houses for fun.

The school bus even comes by and picks up the children :)...

I don't know why we haven't done this before because it was a total hit. And I can use all the activities I can get around here. Because if I let them get too bored, I am on the edge by 5pm, my friends. THE EDGE.

Going to try to keep some sanity around here by doing some more fun things like this. Anything is better than playdoh, yes?

For real, try it, you'll be glad you did!

Happy Monday, friends!

Love Wins

Can I just say real quick that I promise warm and fuzzy posts are coming soon? Maybe about Target, or Chickfila, or how I've started freezer cooking...I know, I'm growing up so fast.

But right now I want to write this down so I can remind myself tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, and next month. Love wins.

I mentioned on Facebook that we've been having a really hard time with A, which has been consuming a lot of my time. It's something that I've never experienced, and it is something that should never plague a 3yr old. It's also something that has made me feel like handing my phone number out to anyone and everyone who has ever taken in a hurting child so they can help me be a good mom to her. Even people on the internet. Any takers :)??? As a little 3yr old, her age is already working against her. Because you can tell her everything is ok, but she knows and remembers that things aren't always ok, even when people tell you they are.

And she's scared. Of basically everything.

They have lived their entire lives knowing that love doesn't always stay. It shows up, it breaks down, and it goes away. That's the ugly truth.

As we see the anxiety rise, and I don't feel like I am completely maxed out from the meltdowns, I try to rock this baby and tell her that we are here and that she is loved. I see her fear and can't help but feel that we are dealing with one specific thing: darkness vs. light.

I'm sorry if that sounds "out there". But the more I deal with this little girl, the more I see that we are in the middle of a battle. For so long the enemy was able to have a grip on their lives, and for so long they lived in a dark spot. As a friend reminded me, "the enemy is prowling around those girls because he no longer has full access to them. But victory is won, so claim the victory!" Don't ya just love friends who boldly speak the truth in your life?? So as a result, I have never felt the urgency to constantly pray over a child like I do A - as she struggles we continue to ask Jesus for healing and peace. And the more we pray, the more we see His love pouring out over this whole situation.

Love wins.

Now honestly, I've had some ugly moments. I'm not proud of some of the thoughts in my head, or the things that have come out of my mouth sometimes when Eric and I stand in the living room at 2am with her as she cries. I'm not proud of how easily I could give up sometimes. Pushing through and having to CHOOSE to love through the ugly is one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do.

But I am being constantly reminded that love heals.

I won't go into boring details, and by "boring details" I mean "make-you-completely-crazy-and-angry-at-the-system details", but there is a very distant family member asking for a home study so they can take the girls. Does that make me super comfortable? Nope. Do I think it's best? Not at the moment. But is it what we signed up for? Apparently. That is all probably months away though, and who knows if or when it will come to pass. I know He is already there waiting to help us face whatever comes, and show us what is best for us and for them.

We let C start into Awana with our other girls a couple weeks ago. She has never really been in church until she came here, and she really didn't have an understanding of much at all. But the other morning she was eating breakfast and said, "Guess what, mom!? God so loved the world! He really did!". Made me smile, she was so excited that she memorized just a tiny part. Makes this all so worth it.

If they have to leave at some point, at least they will take a little bit of Jesus with them :).

I feel them becoming part of us, but the more I talk to the caseworker, the more I see the possibility of them staying slipping further and further away. Which again, is part of fostering. So we'll just take all of this new stuff one day at a time, ask Jesus to bring light into the dark, ask for anyone and everyone to pray for our sweet A, and somehow still laugh together at this crazy season after bedtime.

Fostering has already been one of the most refining times in my life. Having the opportunity to love them and help them heal is without a doubt grace in my own life, even when it's HARD.

We love them. He loves them more. And His love wins, no matter what happens.

Plan A

"I didn't do anything awful. I know it seems like I'm horrible but I'm really not."

I looked at her in the parking lot of childrens services and tried to think of a good response for C & A's biological mother. I really don't think shes awful, I just think she makes awful choices. We landed there to see her unexpectedly a week ago, she's been completely absent so when we got the call that she surfaced for a visit I was surprised.

"I know...I know...it's ok...really, everything is going to be ok." It's all I could get out even though I was trying to form something more profound, and even though there has been several times over the past month that I've wanted to grab this chick by the shoulders and shake her.

It was finally real, she was finally in front of me, and it finally sank in that they are not mine...right now they are hers. (His really, but you know what I mean.)

All the valid points and accusations I had tucked in my greater than thou pocket disappeared.

For some reason in that moment all the frustration faded and all I felt was sadness. Sadness when she turned around to barely kiss them and C started crying. Sadness when I watched a broken woman walk away without a care. And sadness when I had to pull the car over and get in the back and hold a 5yr old as she grieved over what felt like another abandonment after months of not seeing her.

I am a attached mother. I love the kids in my home with all my being and I would do anything to protect them. That includes the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't.

Back in the day I said we were in this journey to foster and hopefully at some point be blessed to keep one (or two). But it turns out that I don't think I know how to foster without getting attached. Without loving them like my own. Without thinking of the possible future and them being taken from the first family they've ever really known.

I don't know how to put my mothering heart in neutral and just take it a day at a time.

It's funny to me how in the beginning I was buying baby blankets, washing Lincoln's carseat, and preparing to bond with a little one. I really envisioned us taking in a baby. I said we wanted what He wanted, but in my mind I was already planning our future. I wanted the transition to be smooth, I wanted that bonding to be natural, and I wanted our bio girls to ooh and ahh over a tiny little love just like they did with their brother. But instead, we got a rocky case with 2 little loves that need a family.

I am beyond thankful for how He pursues us with His perfect plan. For how He kept whispering that day that we needed to say yes to these little girls.

Will they only stay for months? Will they stay for good? I don't know. But you know what? Worrying about all of it is exhausting. We may very well love and have to let go. That's all part of it and He is teaching me to let go of my controlling ways. I have to trust Him. 

We are on Plan A, even though at times it has felt like an alternate route. I keep reminding myself that there is no Plan B with the Lord, just one perfect plan. There is no back-up plan waiting in case His doesn't come through just right. His sovereign Plan A is already perfect, even when its a surprise :).

I often feel like we are in the middle of a crazy and unstable season. But what we're really in the middle of is a broken situation, with a broken family, and broken lives, in a broken world. We all need Jesus so badly.

I can't tell you that I am completely sympathetic with the woman who birthed C & A, or that the idea of them going back to family doesn't make my stomach hurt a little. But what I can tell you is that I see something in this whole situation that reminds me of what we ALL need in our own lives...grace, love, and redemption.

So today we are trying to love big, leave the details to Him, and know that He will prepare our hearts for whatever is on His agenda. Today, we are still on Plan A.

30 Seconds

The play area after I have spent all afternoon organizing...

the play area approximately 30 seconds after the children descend upon it...

Why are there noodles and kick boards out? And where did they even come from? And you know that we will NEVER find all the memory cards now...or the box for that matter.

Seriously, I'm starting to think one of you are dropping toys in the windows when I'm not looking :).

I tell ya, when it comes to unraveling a room, my little loves have mad skills.

Sigh, cleaning is overrated anyway, right?? Good thing it's Friday! Happy weekend, all!

Back In The Saddle

We are getting back in to the swing of things after a long winter break.

And by long I mean crazy. And unexpected. And surreal. And INSANE.

But we are all still here and everyone seems to still be ok, so that means something is going right...right? Just say I'm right, ok? Lie to me if you have to, sister.

I am adjusting to our new (not) normal. I've been thinking of new ways to keep up with the laundry and housework and such with 8 kids. Because even though we only added 2 more, it feels like we went from 6 to 12. I don't know why, but it does. Eric surprised me last week with these bad boys...

I don't think I've ever been more attracted to him. 

It's like he gave me my very own laundromat! These were my late Christmas, early anniversary, birthday, and "any other event that calls for a present" gift. Instead of updating our rings or going on a 10yr anniversary trip next month, we got a church van and a washer & dryer.

We're so romantic. 

I had an unexpected meeting with the girls biological mom on Friday that rocked me a little. And as much as I want to share about it all, I'm just not ready. It's messy, and annoying, and sad, and good, and SO many other emotions that I can't seem to make any sense of. I'm confused but also clear on the fact that He is working here.

Now, He may be working the most on me and my lack of faith and one of a kind control issues, but can we save that for another post? Yes? Great.

In the meantime, look at a cute picture of my girls... 

Sigh, I love them.

We've embraced the snow and loved every second of it. Well, except for the fact that they only have to pee after I get ALL the snow clothes on. By the time I get all the clothes on I am basically sweating - so taking them back off goes down in my book as a full blown workout.

Anyway. Does this all sound like rambling yet? Well, 8 kids make you ramble. For reals.

I'm off for now. Going to lay out some food for the crockpot tomorrow. I am making and freezing some of our favorite Cream Cheese Chicken Chili. The kids love it and I love having some frozen meals for busy nights (which is basically every night right now). You should try it, I promise you'll love it!

Hope you're having a great week, friends!