One Of The Many Benefits...

of having a ton of big sisters...

They're there to give you that extra push you need. Whether you want it or not.

I have NO idea why he is so spoiled :).

Sigh, they are such little mommies!

A Little Foster Update

So...

I think a lot of you may have seen on Facebook over the weekend that we got a random phone call about a distant relative surfacing for C & A.

Just in case you're wondering, in foster care they always look for family to take the children. And often times, if family is found even after they are placed with a foster family, the children are moved. Even if that family loves them and is taking good care of them and they now have a healthy view of a normal family.

Deep breaths.

And that is precisely the case here. Our caseworker called and said that this family member (read: sort of a family member) had been approved to take the girls, and we needed to meet with them as soon as possible.

And just like that. Things can change.

So I told them to make the drive to our town (they are an hour away), and we could meet at a Chickfila close to us. Honestly, I just wanted to see if they would come all the way here, and I feel like making them work if they really are going to take them from us. Mean? Maybe. But I really did  think it was best to meet on our turf, at a place the girls have frequented, so we could make this as comfortable as possible for C & A.

And because I also feel that Chickfila waffle fries and sweet tea can heal emotional pain. So it was a win-win.

It went ok, and it also was understandably awkward. The girls have been a mess ever since because I think they know deep inside that this may mean a new place, and more new people. And as hard as it all is, I feel Him with us in every step. I feel Him changing the direction, and I feel Him helping us loosen our grip on a situation we can not control.

I feel Him continuing to teach us to love big no matter what the outcome of this foster care roller coaster.

Today they played outside with their siblings, laughed at the dinner table over silly things, and then layed their little heads down in the same spot that they have since December. Today they are safe, and they are loved, and they are here :).

We think it will take about 6 weeks for this all to unfold, so we are just going to take it a day at a time and try to love without hesitation. Should be easy, right :)???

Hope you all are having a great week!

Random Things

Sooo, apparently I've fallen a tad behind on blogging. Could ya tell?

A week and a half ago my laptop crashed, and took all my pictures and files with it. No fun! So for the past week we have been trying to recover and transfer things over to my new laptop.

I tell ya, it's always something.

We have been soaking up some great weather in these parts. The kids have been wearing themselves out in the backyard, and I have received many hand picked flowers...aren't these the best :)??

Lincoln has been keeping me busy - and by busy I mean he is on the move non-stop! Lately he has started pushing chairs over the counter, tables, etc, and climbing right up on them. Yesterday I found him on the counter opening cabinets for a snack.

He's 2. And he is so stinkin' active. You all were right, little boys are definitely different than little girls :). There is an energy in that child like I've never seen before. Good thing he is so, so sweet...

Doesn't he look so grown?

I may need to repost my post on my laundry system. Because right now I just have laundry, and no system.

I have traded a good amount of my housework for time outside with my loves. Totally worth it.

With the warm weather rolling in, we've been making lots of cool smoothies. Our favourite? Frozen berries and greek yogurt. By the way, if you don't have a Magic Bullet, you need to grab one. They are amazing.

The kids only have a couple weeks of school left and they officially have a countdown to Summer going on. I love Summer with the kids. It can get hectic, but it is so nice to have a laid back schedule to do what we want. I'm looking forward to soaking up the sun with just my little crew.

So thats a little glimpse of what has been happening around here. The husband and I are going on a date tomorrow night and I am SO excited! We rarely ever get a night out, so I have been looking forward to it all week :).

Now that my computer is running again, I will be back soon! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Fostering Through The Rough

I've been wanting to write about things for some time. We get a lot of questions about or new girls and how it's going...as you can imagine. But haven't really been able to find the right words. So I thought I'd just hop on here and say it:

Things in our foster case have been rough lately. And sorta ugly. And just plain hard.

A few months ago when I realized that this foster journey was rising above our heads more than I'd like to admit, I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to admit that we were questioning things, and I didn't want to admit that the whole situation was occupying way more of my time than it should. I felt under attack during a season of change in our life - and in a way, I felt plagued by all the uncertainties that now hung over our heads.

Will we keep them? Can we keep them? Are our bio kids ok? Will we all make it through this?

As you know, in July we felt led to jump into fostering. We had been raising kids for 9 years, appeared to be doing this big family thing with a good amount of sanity, and us adding a kid was no shocker to people anymore - because clearly, we can not be trusted in the "we're done having kids" department. Amen?

But then He gave us these 2 older girls from a really hard place - and there was no bonding, and a lot of problems, and things just started to cave in. I was trying to keep up, be brave, and love hard, but the hole we were in was filling faster than I could dig out. C started becoming more upset with each visit with their mom, and A...well, like I've mentioned, she's just got a lot going on. All the sudden there were a million unknowns. And I was drowning.

The people pleaser in me wanted to say, "Things are SO great! I feel like I birthed them! Goodness, this is so beautiful!" But I couldn't, and since you only get reality around here, I kept quiet instead of sharing.

Friends, I have learned that He does not want you to keep quiet when you are struggling to make sense of a rocky season. He wants us to share it with anyone you chose so we can hear these magic words, "Wait, you've felt like that too? You've been there before? Oh, it makes me feel so much better to know I'm not alone."

It was hard for me, after all, how often do I hear, "wow, 6 kids PLUS you're fostering?? You must be Super Mom!!". I would find myself cringing at how far from the truth that is. Because I struggle too. A lot. And I yell. Way more than I should. So if you're coming here looking for Super Mom, then you've come to the wrong place, because she ain't here.

Besides, 2 kids, 6 kids, 10 kids, or 20 kids doesn't make you super mom. Loving your kids fearlessly, putting their needs before your own, and getting out of bed in the morning and dragging your struggling heart to the toaster to make waffles is what makes you super mom. We laugh a midst the pain, smile when things are hard, and push through when we just want to crumble. That is what makes mothers different from anything else in God's creation. That's what makes us all super mom.

I couldn't let go of what I had planned in my head when we started this. I was asking God why this was so incredibly hard, and why He would lead us here to only let us struggle? But now I see that He leads us into the storm to change us. He uses these times to shape us and renovate our lives and our hearts. So when the clouds part and the light starts to shine back in, you come out a changed person.

You see, the struggle is part of the story. It's actually a huge part of the big picture. It is where we grow.

A close friend told me recently, "Let go of what you thought it was going to be, and let God show you how it's going to end up." I think I say that to myself daily now. Because even though life with them isn't exactly all warm & fuzzy all the time, we do love them deeply. Their history has a lot of pain and neglect, it seems so unfair and when I think of it all I just want to hide them forever so we can protect them.

But I can't.

At the end of a long day when I tuck all 8 of them in, I remember that this isn't about me. It's not about us being more comfortable or about our life being easy. This is about Him. And this about bringing glory to His name whether they stay forever or whether they don't.

So for now we breath deep and we take it a day at a time. We just do the next thing. 

People have asked a lot lately about how things were going, and so I thought it was time to answer :). I get a lot of questions about how our marriage thrives through it, and how our bio kids handle it all, and I'm going to try to write about that all in more detail soon. Feel free to ask any questions about our family, I'll do my best to answer :).

Hope you all are having a great week! I am so excited to relax with my people this weekend!

Seven At The Spa

It is birthday season around here, and today we got to celebrate Reese & Charlotte turning 7!

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before that I love to throw parties, right? Well, I do. And I get carried away. But with so many kiddos, I like to have a lot of fun on their birthdays and I like to make them feel super special.

And I like to eat cake. So there's that bonus too.

They requested a Spa party much like one we did for Ella awhile back, and it was such a hit this time around as well. We did manis, pedis, and even facials...which cracked us adults up...

Nothing fancy, just cucumbers and organic yogurt for those facials. But the girls thought it was SO great :).

We set up little place settings for each girl...

They talked and giggled, and that makes my heart happy.

I love Etsy for cupcake toppers and fun little signs. I bought flip-flops for each girl to wear after the pedicures - thought that would be a good party favor instead of a bag of candy. And when Old Navy sells them for 2 for $5, how can you go wrong??

So we painted nails, and opened gifts, and sang to my sweet girls.

And of course we ate cake and cupcakes...

I can't believe they are 7.

So, so thankful that God rocked our little world back in 2006 and gave us twins. They have changed us, and made us better parents. They have been a breath of fresh air.

Happy birthday to the sweetest 7yr olds I know!

Being your mama is one of my greatest blessings!

Even Though I Still Can't Believe It...

2 years ago today God (finally!) gave us a little boy :). It feels like yesterday that I was rocking him back and forth in the hospital bed under that dim night time lighting. Sigh, I will forever cherish those moments.

This little guy has brought so much joy to our family. He is truly a rough and tumble vision of grace. And as you may have noticed, I'm just a little in love with him...

So we have been celebrating on and off since last weekend. We had a race car party that I will post pics of soon...because it ended up being such a cute theme!

But for now, I'm off to kiss his little 2yr old forehead again while he sleeps.

Happy birthday to the sweetest Lincoln on the planet (not that I'm partial)...

Buddy, you are one loved little boy!!

To My Only Son And My Future Daughter-In-Law

Lincoln turns 2 next week. Someone hold me, please. We are throwing a Race Car party this weekend in which I've stayed true to my crazy self and have gone completely overboard. I posted something like this a year ago and thought I would again :). You have to laugh to keep from crying as your babies grow in to not-so-tiny-babies anymore, right?? (Although, he is still my baby...you know, forever.)

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They all say I favor you.

And they all speak a small amount of truth.

Even my best friends say that 20 years from now I will no doubt be sitting across from Dr. Phil on some Meddling Mother-in-Law show where I will be arguing that I am not "pushy", I'm just "really involved".

It's not that I actually love you more or have placed you as my "favorite" child, it's just that my connection to you is far different than my connection to your sisters. So many people told me the bond would be unique, but I just didn't believe it.

From the moment you were born I knew our relationship would be special.

You see, your sisters and I have the same hormones running through our veins which basically binds us for life. We'll hopefully have that "mother/daughter/best friends" relationship as they get older just like my mom and I do. They'll call me to talk about everything and nothing. We will talk about clothes, complain about pms, shop for prom dresses, plan weddings, and wait in line for $5 crockpots on Black Friday.

Lord willing, we will always travel in a pack. I already look forward to those future memories with your sisters.

Oh, we also will talk about your new girlfriend that you bring to dinner when we all go to the bathroom together. You might as well know that now.

But deep in my mothering heart, I know that won't be the deal with you. I know that boys leave their moms for a girl that has stolen their heart. That's why I have eaten up every single second of you while I can.

I know that before I know it you will be running around with the neighbor boys, playing in the mud, working out in the garage with dad, joining the football team, and then ultimately find some know-it-all girl who thinks she knows more about you than I do.

Keep in mind that I spent 9 months carrying you, gained almost 50 pounds, endured swelling that could've been featured on the Discovery Health channel, and then had my abdomen cut open to bring you into this world. Maybe you should write those facts down on an index card, have it laminated, and always keep it in your back pocket. Just in case you ever need a refresher.

It's probably best that you make sure any prospect is strong enough to embrace 1 mother-in-law and 5 sister-in-laws. She's going to need a GREAT sense of humor.

So I thought I'd help you and your future bride out by drafting up a set of vows for her - I will work on yours in the years to come. Please know that these are subject to change at anytime, especially as your wedding gets closer...

I, girl who is 2nd place to your mother, take you Lincoln, to be my husband.

(I also take your mother to be my mentor and go-to girl for all life questions. After all, she does know everything.)

To have and to hold from this day forward.

(And speaking of holding, she should hold all of our children as soon as I deliver. She does have tons of experience and she did raise exceptional human beings like yourself and your beautiful sisters.)

For better or for worse,

(Although I just would like to say that life will always be better when your mother is right smack in the middle of our business. She has earned the privilege of knowing everything about me and my ways. I should probably give her access to all my social networking sites.)

for richer, for poorer,

(Which by the way, money will never matter because your mom can guide me on big purchases, shopping trips, and help me find the best deals on the latest trends...she is after all such a fashionista.)

in sickness and in health,

(And when you are sick, I know you'll want your mom to come take care of you because she is the only woman that will ever be able to truly comfort you. She's your world.)

 to love and to cherish;

(Even though I will never cherish you like your mother does. You should call her everyday and remind her how much you and I adore her. Schedule weekly lunch dates with her too so you can get her opinion on important decisions we are making at the time.) 

from this day forward until death do us part.

(Now lets go to the reception where your mom should have the first dance with you.)

I think that is completely appropriate, don't you? We can work on them as you get older...I'm sure I'll need to make some changes here and there.

Love you, my sweet Lincoln. You are my favorite little man on the planet, forever and always.

-----------------------------------------

I know all you other moms of boys have vows just like this already written, right? No? I'm the only one? Oh well. I'm ok with that :).

10 Things For My Girls

Last week I took my older 3 ladies out for an overnight "Girls Night". We shopped, got our nails painted and laughed the night away in a local hotel. It was bliss. I've been telling Eric that I want to be doing this more often so I can talk to them about things...about life.

And so for the record, here is my heart in a little letter.

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My sweet little (although growing so fast) girls, there are 10 things I want you to know. And I loved talking through some of them with you on our special night out :). I know that you won't always want or welcome my advice, so I will try to refrain from constantly blurting out my opinions as you continue to grow.

I said I'll TRY, I can't promise anything.

In the newness of this "older kids" season I have learned a lot. My life isn't all toddlers and babies like it once was. I've learned a lot about waiting and listening. A lot about letting go and letting you grow. And a lot about how I try to control things that were never meant to be in my control.

Motherhood is humbling, girls. It's a journey of grace, and love, and joy, and pain, and sleepless nights. It's dancing in the rain, and soaking up the small stuff. It's this passion that runs so deep in my being that sometimes it's painful.

And just as I blink and remember being in my early 20's with my belly swollen with your newborn goodness, I also know I'll blink and we'll be ten years from now.

10 things, girls. 10 things that I want you all to remember as you grow...

You are unique. Unique among your siblings, and unique among your peers. You won't be any good at being someone else, but you will be great at being you. Each of you have different passions and talents that make you stunning in His (and my) eyes. Embrace the beauty that God created when He knit you together. Inside and out.

Everyone is not doing it. Not everyone is acting that way. Not everyone talks like that. Not everyone is wearing that skimpy outfit. And not everyone thinks its cool. The only one you need to be following is Him. Otherwise, be a leader and a light.

You are worth it. You are worth that dream you want to chase, that goal you want to reach, and anything else your little hearts desire. You are worth waiting for, worth fighting for, and worth the respect of others (especially the boys, my dears). You are worth it because He says so.

Don't be a gossip. You don't want to be that girl. It never ends well and it almost always comes back to bite you. God wants your words to be full of grace.

Be Honest. To me, to yourself, to Him. Be upfront and tell it like it is. It's like telling someone their zipper is down, awkward at first, but better for everyone in the end.

Focus on your heart, not your appearance. Modesty is admirable. The pressure from our culture can be nasty, be prepared to fight for what you know is true. The state of your heart is more important than your size, or choice in designer clothes - you are more important than a number. And at the end of the day, people want to be with someone who's heart is full of passion and joy, not with someone who only talks about her image or lack there of.

Love your sisters. Take a look around you, these ladies are your best friends. They will be here when you are down and when you want to celebrate. They (along with myself) will sit in bed and eat pizza with you when you get your heart broken. It is an unbreakable bond, remember that.

I am your mother, not your friend. This is a hard one for me because I really want you to like me and I know that sometimes you won't. For now though, it's my job to raise you. We'll laugh and talk like girlfriends sometimes, but for the most part, I'm mom. I can't wait to have the grown up relationships with you that I have with your grandma.

Show grace. Love people even when they're not your favorite people. Everyone needs Him and you never know what the kid next to you is dealing with. Nothing trumps the grace that He has shown us. It truly is amazing grace, ladies - don't ever let anyone tell you different. Share it with everyone.

I'm here. Anytime you need me. Anytime you need to talk or cry or rejoice, I'm here. I want to know whats happening in your little world. I will wait for you to tell me and I'll try to accept the times that you don't. Just know that I hurt when you hurt, and I rejoice when you rejoice. Tell me all about life, I'll listen.

I love ya, my babes.

Yes, you'll always be my babies. And no, I won't call you that in front of your friends anymore.

There is nothing I wouldn't do, no fight I wouldn't fight, and no other earthly love like the one I have for you.  It is unique and mysterious and a gift from Him.

You ladies are a gift in so many ways. I am forever thankful for the bond we have. And yes, I am in favor of many more "girls nights out" :).

Love you so, so much,
Mama

The Ministry Of Motherhood

"Why are you adding more when you already have 6?"

You can only imagine how many times that question has swung my way over the past several months.

And my answer? Um, all I have to do is snuggle into Lincolns chubby cheeks for a second and my ovaries start firing off eggs. I'm an odd one. A collector of children.

Not really, I don't say that although I should, yes? I usually just respond with a "why not" or a "yep, we're crazy like that."

I get why people ask those questions though. And I would imagine that every mom gets why people ask those questions, because every mom gets how hard her job is. It's like when you have a newborn, and you're a week postpartum, and you haven't showered or brushed your teeth, and the baby is crying while your other kids are fighting, and the washing machine just ate your last pair of hospital net underwear.

(Not that I know what that is like.)

There is never a part of me though that views adding more kiddos to our family as "inconvenient", I feel like we're only moving forward with God's plan for our family.

Does changing diapers, filling sippy cups, wiping noses, cleaning up crumbs off the floor, and folding load after load of laundry always feel glamorous? Not at all. And would I love to have a full conversation at the park without having to tell my children to stop eating the mulch? Sure. But that's not my life right now...

Like I've confessed before, I have many days when this mom gig feels mundane and redundant. Let's just all go ahead and admit that some days kinda suck. C'mon, raise your hand, some days being a mother sucks the life right out of you and all you want to do is run screaming from you're house. It's ok to admit it, you're safe here.

Motherhood is hard. That is a simple fact. Some days more than others.

It's kind of like a roller coaster...with only tall hills and loops...and you just keep going up the tall hill anticipating the other side, and then after the rush of going down the hill it throws you for another loop. Yea, it's kinda like that.

Foster care is also like that, a roller coaster that never ends. Yesterday we had a visit with their mom, she decided to show up, and we all sang Cumbaya. Not really. The reality is that there is never a time that it doesn't sting a little when they run to her and all of the sudden I fall into 2nd place. Not going to lie, it actually stings a lot, especially with all we're dealing with with the girls.

But for some reason a child instinctively wants their mom to love them, regardless of the ugly past. That is the power of a mother's love.

I even find myself caring about their mom in a mothering way. Don't get me wrong, this woman can make me crazy, but like I've mentioned before, she's pretty young and never really had a mom. So I stand in this weird place where I want to keep her girls, but I also want to reach out and love her as well. I even found myself in the grocery yesterday buying her prenatal vitamins (because yes, she's expecting again. Don't EVEN get me started.). She feels like the enemy sometimes, but that motherly instinct to love her always trumps the bad feelings. Us mothers can't help it, its running through our tired veins.

The deep down ugly truth is that I often just want her to go away even though I know God's plan is best, and  even though I know they are not really mine. But they feel like they're mine. Until we see her. And then I am humbled right into the background of the whole story. But that is the thing, mothers often are changing lives and keeping things going behind the scenes of everyday life - there is not a lot of recognition, but He sees us.

We are mothers. And we love relentlessly, even when it seems crazy. And it is indeed crazy!

Right now, motherhood is my ministry. It's how I serve, even when it feels so, so mundane and ordinary. But shaping lives is anything but ordinary.

The world tells us that we need to keep defining ourselves with things, and people, and money, and a "better you!" But God has already given us a defining role, and the more I embrace it the more I find my true self - right here, in this calling to be a mother.

Whether you're in the baby stage, or the school age stage, or the waiting for your kiddo through adoption stage, it's always a moving forward with God's plan of motherhood stage. And that's a good place to be.

So today, and tonight, and the next day, and the following years after that, I will continue on this crazy road of mothering. The hardest, but by far the most rewarding road I've been on to date.

Some More Of This And That

- There are only about 71 days till Summer vacation. Just in case you were wondering. The pool, the sun on our faces, it is BLISS. Can not wait! And no, I'm not sure yet how I will do the pool with 8 kids, but I'll let you know as soon as I figure it out :).

- Love, love, love you guys for your encouragement and advice on the possible seizures A is having. We go this morning for her EEG, and as far as I know, we won't have results right away. She is having a "sleep deprived" test so we couldn't put her to bed any earlier than 11pm, and had to wake her by 5am. Sweet mercy, this child needs her sleep or things get ugly - so it's probable that both of us will be crying by the time the test is over.

Send chocolate and sarcastic humor.

- Just to fill you in a bit... we found out last week that her "delays" are pretty significant, so that could all play into the staring spells she is having. Basically she has some receptive, processing, and communication issues going on - all part of what He intended for her even though it seems REALLY unfair right now. And honestly, shes been through a lot, so that could play a part as well. She has a long road ahead, but I know she'll be ok :). She is a sweet little trooper, and I know He has a great plan for her!

- I love them more and more everyday. Which scares me because, well, it's foster care. Just had to get that out.

- On to lighter things. We had the school carnival this weekend and the older girls were so excited. Reason #249 to have a big family: you always win a cake at the cake walk when you're kids are involved. Great odds, people.

- I bought these cosmetic bags for a couple friends at Christmas, and then saw not long ago that the lady dropped the price to $15! So cheap, so stinkin' cute! It makes me happy.

- Oh, before I forget - I am changing my twitter, facebook, instagram, etc over to the name "Filled To The Brim". Remember a few months back when I did a blog makeover? Well, it's time to take the name change full circle...I've put it off long enough. So just remember that it is still me in your news feed! Same savvy crew, only a tad different :).

I can hardly loosen my grip from "Savvy Little Women". It's where we come from, it's who we are, it's in our blood.

Too far? Sorry.

- I've wanted to hang some new things on our walls. You know, just change things up a bit. But then when I go to do it I get all scattered - Should I hang new pictures? A canvas? Modern wall art? An oversized fork?
I went with pictures, seems simple, but I like simple.

- Alright, I'm off to try and keep A up until the test. Praying, praying, praying for the best!

Back soon, friends!

Love Big

So I turned 32 over the weekend. And you know what? It doesn't feel much different than 31 :).

And my anxious-flyer self even hopped on a flight home all by myself on Sunday. I know, I'm growing up so fast.

I spent the weekend in Atlanta with some friends at the Created For Care retreat for foster and adoptive moms. We spent 48 hours talking about how to "love big" when it comes to our kids and through the ups and downs of parenting kiddos from hard places. Lot's of info and lot's to take in, but it was really good :).

It also ended up being a much needed reminder that He is still pursuing me, as I pursue a new normal for my family right now. It's SO easy to get lost in the shuffle of day to day life as a mom, and it was really refreshing to remember that I am part of the story too - that my heart matters to Him as well. Goodness, that is so easy to forget when you are giving yourself completely to these little loves day in and day out!

My mommy heart had been struggling so much from carrying the weight of our situation. I do not like crying in public, but I could not keep composure in some of these sessions, friends. I have been so fearful of loving big and losing time and time again - but lately I have started to feel a release from that. I just feel this peace about loving as much as we can, even though the future isn't clear. Because if we don't love these kids, then who will? And if we don't love in the darkness of this world, then what use are we as Christians?

He is faithful and with us every step of the way. That's all I could ask for in this mommy journey.

Last week I had a Dr appointment for A. I know I've mentioned that we have been worried about some things going on with her, and I believe we have found some reasons. The issues seem a tad bigger than just delays, and the team at our childrens hospital believe that she is actually having seizures - at night and several during the day in the form of what looks like a total "zone out".

So. Huge deep breaths. (And maybe some wine.) Both seem to help.

Monday morning we have an EEG scheduled for her and we are praying for the best - that they aren't seizures, and that things are better than they seem. But if they are indeed exactly what they seem? That's ok too. His plan is the best plan for our journey. I feel at total peace about that.

We saw the mom last week and I'm still feeling that compassionate feeling inside me for her, even though I hate her choices. She grew up much like her kids are, and I have to literally force myself not to embrace her when she talks about it. Because friends, I just want to hug this woman for some reason. I think I'm about to cross the line of what I "should" be doing, to what I feel like He would want me to do. And that is to love as big as we can for as long as we can - and right now I feel like that includes the kids and her.

We'll see where that goes.

Like I've said, I may get burned, but I don't think choosing to love someone who needs it is ever a bad thing. Jesus loves me even though I don't deserve it, and that is what I keep thinking of when I think of her.

And honestly, I have been seeing that there is a possibility that He led us here to just love, maybe not adopt. I don't view it as loving and losing anymore, I view it as loving as many as we can for as long as He lets us. I need to let go of my plans and embrace His perfect story for our family. Adding a little one forever would just be a bonus :).

In other news, we have a school carnival this weekend, it will be a first for C. I can not even begin to tell you how excited this child is to do the "cake walk". Makes me smile! Although I think we could go into cake overload if all the children play - gotta have boundaries, people.

But really, are boundaries even realistic when it comes to cake?

So anyway, that's kind of what we've been up to. I'm determined to get the laundry completely done and put away today after being gone all weekend. But let's be honest, relaxing with the kids sounds SO much better :).

Back soon!

A List Of This And That

- I would love to update you on a great visit with bio mom from last week, but I can't. And I'd love to jot down some details about things that wouldn't surprise you yet still shock you, but let me just say this; she is very upset with the workers about her situation, security was involved, and it was ridiculously ugly. So we are still taking it a day at a time, I am frustrated with her decisions, but the girls are safe & loved, and He is still in control. 

- We got all the kids dressed Sunday morning and went to church, it's only our 2nd time to brave it with our new normal. A wore some tights and she thought they were SO great, she calls them her "crazy socks" :)...

- I am leaving this Friday to fly to Atlanta for a Foster/Adoption retreat called Created For Care. I am super excited to get away for a couple days but also super nervous to leave all my loves. Oh, and I MIGHT be a semi-anxious flyer. So you can pray for my nerves :).

- I come back on Sunday, it's my birthday. I'll be 25. Or 32. Or 30. Or 28. Or something.

(alright, 32.)

- Ella has started "getting ready" in the bathroom when we leave the house. It has begun, Lord help me.

- I went into Target, and big surprise, I came out with things I didn't need. But for real, these owl boxes make me HAPPY, and they are on sale for like $7...

- I posted on Facebook last week that we made these Black Bean Brownies. And seriously, it's almost funny how good they are. I don't know why this recipe makes any sense, but believe me it does.

- I SO appreciate the advice and emails (I'll be writing back soon!) I got on attachment issues. You all are great. For reals.

- Some of the kids are now crying and fighting over what sounds like a bean bag chair...but it could be anything. Gonna check out the madness and then make dinner :).

Till later, friends!

I'm A Fixer

It is my personality to want to fix things, especially when it comes to my children. Kids having problems? I'll take care of it. Friend needs some support? I'll be there. Laundry is out of control? I've got a system to handle it.

But I can't fix this. And He is teaching me that I shouldn't be trying to put every piece back together in any broken situation all by myself. He is the One that restores. He is the One that heals. And He is the One that makes sense of the storms.

Goodness, this has all been a tad consuming. I feel like I spend a lot of my time praying, "Lord, is it your plan for us to keep these girls? Or are You planning to rebuild their bio family? Should I do this? Should I do that? PLEASE GIVE ME AN ANSWER!"

Ahem. Sorry. Clearly my patience isn't great.

C has been struggling. Its just plain and simple. She is sad, and I can tell that her little 5 year old thoughts are elsewhere. She has been here almost 3 months, she is confused about her mom, and she wants me to make the hurting stop. She wants me to explain why she never comes to see her, and she wants me to fix it. But I can't - and I hate that.

So I stand in this confusing space of wanting to reach out to the mom and show her grace, and wanting to come across the table at the her during our next visit. Just being honest.

I can tell that C wants to love me, yet she keeps me at an arms length some of the time. She needs me, but she's not sure she can trust me. We have this constant power struggle, I want the natural relationship to be there, but the bottom line is that it just takes time. All things that are worth while take time. Our foster worker (who I love) told me something last week that keeps haunting me...

"She's waiting for you to leave."

That's a sobering truth for me. So this past week I have spent a lot of time reassuring, and I have spent a lot of time tucking her in and saying, "you know I'm here for good, right? I'm not going anywhere." We are making progress, but I must confess that having a child reject your love and ask for a woman who has basically abandoned her has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to deal with.

(I know it's all part of foster care. Feel free to jump in here with all the experience that you might have with attachment problems)

I can't fix it, but I know He can in His timing. Even though its a mess right now, I can also say that it has been the biggest lesson in unconditional love for me. I can hate the mom all I want, but the bottom line is her sin is no different than my sin in the Lords eyes - hers is just more public. There are not only kids that need homes, but there are families that need hope.

We are supposed to see her today, it will only be the 2nd time in 12 weeks that she has come. I can already tell you that C is going to feel abandoned again, and that it will be a hard day for her. So please pray for her little heart, I would really appreciate it!

I want to put all the pieces back together, but that's not my job. My job is to love unconditionally and try to share Jesus in any way I can while we have them. His promises aren't empty, He will bring beauty from ashes in all of this - that is about the only thing I'm currently sure of :).

You Are More

than the cook...

more than the chauffeur...

more than the referee...

more than the cleaner...

and more than the lady chasing her kid down aisle 8.

A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31: 10-12)

You are more than a number...

more than a size...

more than an exercise...

more than the latest trends.

and more than the worlds pressure to be perfect.

Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31: 29-30)

You are more than a soccer mom...

more than a pto volunteer...

more than a field trip chaperon..

and more than the one who's always pushing a stroller and wearing a baby while cheering her kiddo on.

She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. (Proverbs 31: 15-16)

You are more than the sock sorter...

more than the lunch packer...

more than the math teacher...

more than the cupcake maker...

and more than the one who tucks their shirts in, wipes their faces off, and sends them on their way.

 She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet. (Proverbs 31: 20-21)

You are more than the potty trainer, bath giver, and the crumb cleaner.

You are His.

Living in His sweet grace.

Clinging to this giant role.

Bringing up these little treasures that call you mama.

You are sought after, chased down, cuddled up next to, kissed on, waited for, and adored by those He's entrusted to you. You have the most important job with the greatest benefit package.

And today is another day to embrace that gift...this calling.

Enjoy it, it's fleeting.

(Just a re-post today...because I've had to remind myself of these things this week. :)

In The Motherhood

Motherhood is beautiful. And fun, and exciting, and adventurous. It's also really rough sometimes. The day in and the day out has gotten to me lately, and before I know it, I'm crying over the stove while I stir macaroni and cheese. You know those moments. The kids are crazy, dinner isn't ready, you're still in your workout clothes from that morning, and the husband just called and said he's going to be late.

I am thankful for this role, but honestly, sometimes, it can feel all consuming. I feel like I'm often just coasting in on fumes by bedtime.

Have I truly become that woman who lost herself in motherhood?

That is the age old question of the mother who's in yoga pants, with her hair tied back, breaking up a fight, and carrying a laundry basket down the stairs while a crying child hangs on her leg.

(Good news, though. Even when we feel lost in motherhood, He still sees us.)

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted to grow bundles of joy in my womb and I've wanted to have little arms to hug my neck. I asked, and He answered, 6 times over. And now He is letting us love on kids that need a family.

I will forever feel undeserving of these amazing kiddos, and I will also forever say that they are living proof of His grace in my life. Walking, talking, growing, and snugly grace.

Goodness, that's a lot of weddings right there.

But even though motherhood is nothing short of miraculous, it's easy to feel consumed and burnt out. You know what God is teaching me, though? It's ok to feel burnt out.

It's ok to feel like you want something for yourself, it's ok to feel like you need a break, and its ok to feel like you might run screaming from your house. God knew us moms would feel these things, none of those feelings surprise Him like they do us.

My people pleasing instinct is to paint this pretty picture of a life that is always filled with beautiful pictures of the kids and I sharing ice cream cones and braiding each others hair. But that is not real life. Real life is me breaking up arguments over who is looking at who, kids crying because we're not buying something out of the dollar bins at Target, floors that desperately need mopped, and a mother that often needs the biggest chill pill YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

Just being honest.

Sometimes I don't like to say all this out loud...cause that makes it real.

After all, what good mom gets burnt out? What good mom admits that she feels totally consumed by the day to day routines? What mother says she is just tired of being tracked down every second of the day? And what good mother admits that some days she just wants to get in the car and drive away??

Hi, my name is Kate, and I'd like to admit those things - along with the fact that I sometimes feel swallowed whole by motherhood.

And while we're admitting things, I sometimes tell my kids that I have to use the restroom when I don't. And then there's those times when I walk at a glacier pace to return my shopping cart to the cart corral after I get my herd in the car. And ok, I'm not really resting my eyes, I am trying to catch a quick nap but I can't because A CHILD KEEPS POKING ME IN THE FACE.

Ahem.

The responsibility of motherhood is heavy - you have to reach a point where you realize it wasn't meant for you to carry alone. He wants to listen and help. I think the magic moment is when you see and believe that every season and every journey is part of the bigger plan to make you who He wants you to be.

So ultimately, this mommy journey isn't just about the kids, it's about God doing a work in you as well. We are a big part of the picture even though we're often covered up by sweet little loves and buried beneath embarrassing amounts of laundry. Behind the cute kids and the perfect family picture is a mom running the household ship all day until she lays her head down at night. We are stronger than we think, and oh are we cherished by Him.

"The days are long, but the years are short." I can't remember where I read that but I know it's true. So I'm taking every seasoned parents advice that "this time will go so fast" - even though it doesn't feel that way some days.

I don't have much "me time", and my days are about serving others - and because of that, I think I'm starting to see myself clearer. I'm starting to see that motherhood is about me too, that my heart and my passions matter to Him just as much as the kids matter to me.

He's not just our God, but our Father, remember? And a Father cares about His child.

It's all grace. Messy, consuming, but amazing grace. I see now that He's using them to help mold me, as I try to mold them.