You Are More

than the cook...

more than the chauffeur...

more than the referee...

more than the cleaner...

and more than the lady chasing her kid down aisle 8.

A wife of noble character who can find?
   She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her
   and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm,
   all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31: 10-12)

You are more than a number...

more than a size...

more than an exercise...

more than the latest trends.

and more than the worlds pressure to be perfect.

Many women do noble things,
   but you surpass them all.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
   but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31: 29-30)

You are more than a soccer mom...

more than a pto volunteer...

more than a field trip chaperon..

and more than the one who's always pushing a stroller and wearing a baby while cheering her kiddo on.

She gets up while it is still night;
   she provides food for her family
   and portions for her female servants.
She considers a field and buys it;
   out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. (Proverbs 31: 15-16)

You are more than the sock sorter...

more than the lunch packer...

more than the math teacher...

more than the cupcake maker...

and more than the one who tucks their shirts in, wipes their faces off, and sends them on their way.

 She opens her arms to the poor
   and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
   for all of them are clothed in scarlet. (Proverbs 31: 20-21)

You are more than the potty trainer, bath giver, and the crumb cleaner.

You are His.

Living in His sweet grace.

Clinging to this giant role.

Bringing up these little treasures that call you mama.

You are sought after, chased down, cuddled up next to, kissed on, waited for, and adored by those He's entrusted to you. You have the most important job with the greatest benefit package.

And today is another day to embrace that gift...this calling.

Enjoy it, it's fleeting.

(Just a re-post today...because I've had to remind myself of these things this week. :)

In The Motherhood

Motherhood is beautiful. And fun, and exciting, and adventurous. It's also really rough sometimes. The day in and the day out has gotten to me lately, and before I know it, I'm crying over the stove while I stir macaroni and cheese. You know those moments. The kids are crazy, dinner isn't ready, you're still in your workout clothes from that morning, and the husband just called and said he's going to be late.

I am thankful for this role, but honestly, sometimes, it can feel all consuming. I feel like I'm often just coasting in on fumes by bedtime.

Have I truly become that woman who lost herself in motherhood?

That is the age old question of the mother who's in yoga pants, with her hair tied back, breaking up a fight, and carrying a laundry basket down the stairs while a crying child hangs on her leg.

(Good news, though. Even when we feel lost in motherhood, He still sees us.)

For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted to grow bundles of joy in my womb and I've wanted to have little arms to hug my neck. I asked, and He answered, 6 times over. And now He is letting us love on kids that need a family.

I will forever feel undeserving of these amazing kiddos, and I will also forever say that they are living proof of His grace in my life. Walking, talking, growing, and snugly grace.

Goodness, that's a lot of weddings right there.

But even though motherhood is nothing short of miraculous, it's easy to feel consumed and burnt out. You know what God is teaching me, though? It's ok to feel burnt out.

It's ok to feel like you want something for yourself, it's ok to feel like you need a break, and its ok to feel like you might run screaming from your house. God knew us moms would feel these things, none of those feelings surprise Him like they do us.

My people pleasing instinct is to paint this pretty picture of a life that is always filled with beautiful pictures of the kids and I sharing ice cream cones and braiding each others hair. But that is not real life. Real life is me breaking up arguments over who is looking at who, kids crying because we're not buying something out of the dollar bins at Target, floors that desperately need mopped, and a mother that often needs the biggest chill pill YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

Just being honest.

Sometimes I don't like to say all this out loud...cause that makes it real.

After all, what good mom gets burnt out? What good mom admits that she feels totally consumed by the day to day routines? What mother says she is just tired of being tracked down every second of the day? And what good mother admits that some days she just wants to get in the car and drive away??

Hi, my name is Kate, and I'd like to admit those things - along with the fact that I sometimes feel swallowed whole by motherhood.

And while we're admitting things, I sometimes tell my kids that I have to use the restroom when I don't. And then there's those times when I walk at a glacier pace to return my shopping cart to the cart corral after I get my herd in the car. And ok, I'm not really resting my eyes, I am trying to catch a quick nap but I can't because A CHILD KEEPS POKING ME IN THE FACE.

Ahem.

The responsibility of motherhood is heavy - you have to reach a point where you realize it wasn't meant for you to carry alone. He wants to listen and help. I think the magic moment is when you see and believe that every season and every journey is part of the bigger plan to make you who He wants you to be.

So ultimately, this mommy journey isn't just about the kids, it's about God doing a work in you as well. We are a big part of the picture even though we're often covered up by sweet little loves and buried beneath embarrassing amounts of laundry. Behind the cute kids and the perfect family picture is a mom running the household ship all day until she lays her head down at night. We are stronger than we think, and oh are we cherished by Him.

"The days are long, but the years are short." I can't remember where I read that but I know it's true. So I'm taking every seasoned parents advice that "this time will go so fast" - even though it doesn't feel that way some days.

I don't have much "me time", and my days are about serving others - and because of that, I think I'm starting to see myself clearer. I'm starting to see that motherhood is about me too, that my heart and my passions matter to Him just as much as the kids matter to me.

He's not just our God, but our Father, remember? And a Father cares about His child.

It's all grace. Messy, consuming, but amazing grace. I see now that He's using them to help mold me, as I try to mold them.

The Mommy Quiz

After having half of a poptart thrown over the shower curtain this morning while washing my hair, I decided it was time to take the motherhood quiz again.

These are the questions of our lives. Or maybe just my life. You can decide.

1.) You go out for a morning run and upon arrival home you have 4 minutes before you need to wake the children. Do you...
A. Brush your teeth
B. Take the worlds quickest shower
C. Wait 5 minutes till the baby starts screaming then shower with him on your hip.
D. Wait till all the children are up and available to stand in the bathroom to confirm you have no privacy.

2.) Breakfast is over for the kids and now you have 90 seconds to eat something before the first fight of the day breaks out over who holds the remote. Do you...
A. Eat the leftover scraps from the table.
B. Eat the half eaten granola bar that's in your pocket from yesterday (yes, you have the same pants on).
C. Pray that Starbucks has started delivering breakfast to moms across the nation at 8am every morning.
D. Eat Cheerios out of the no spill bowl that you poured for your baby while one child hangs on your leg.

3.) There are 47 loads of laundry to do and only 24 hours in the day. Do you...
A. Pack the washer way beyond capacity and hope the water reaches every piece.
B. Drag it all to goodwill and start over.
C. Eat a donut.
D. Ignore it and wait for your imaginary cleaning lady to show up.

4.) 3 of your kids have soccer. The oldest has soccer at 5:30 and the middle 2 have soccer at 6pm. They all need to eat 1 hour before and will want to eat again within 1 hour of being home. Then all 8 need baths before the 1st bedtime at 7:15 and the 2nd bedtime at 7:45 which is basically impossible. How do you go about this without losing your mind?

Explain your answer & show your work.

5.)  "Me time" is now defined as...
A. Sitting in the car by yourself during soccer practice.
B. A root canal on a sunny afternoon.
C. Walking to the mailbox.
D. All of the above.

6.) The FedEx guy rings the doorbell during naptime and WAKES THE BABY. Do you...
A.) Punch him in the face.
B.) Kick him in the shins.
C.) Make him trade jobs for a day now that he's made yours harder.
D.) Take deep breaths similar to those while in labor to cool down before opening the door.

7.) You were just ripped from your sleep by (please note that the offender is subject to a don't-wake-mama outburst followed by a heartfelt & half-asleep apology)...
A. A child who has peed in their bed
B. A child who has peed in your bed
C. A child who has thrown up in their bed
D. A child who has thrown up in your bed

8.) When driving alone in the car Dora the Explorer comes on your Ipod and it takes you how long to change it...
A. 5 seconds
B. 10 seconds
C. 15 seconds
D. Before you know it, you realize you are at a stop light with the window rolled down and you have sang along to the whole song. (You know you don't know any adult songs anymore.)

9.) You tell the children to sit at the table quietly, but it translates into kid language as...
A. Run around the table till someone falls and cries.
B. Act like your sippy cups are bowling balls.
C. Say you aren't eating what is cooking before you've even seen it.
D. Start making fake crying noises cause mom hasn't heard enough actual crying and whining today.

10.) 67 is...
A. The amount of times someone yelled "mom!" in the past 10 minutes.
B. How many diapers you changed this week.
C. The amount you spent at Target after going in for only 1 thing that cost $3.99.
D. The amount of times you've said this week that your car should have one of those dividers that can go up and down like in a limo.

11.) You can't get anywhere on time. For this you blame...
A. Shoes that won't tie themselves.
B. Someone inevitably always has to go potty the moment you're ready to walk out the door.
C. PMS
D. Not being able to find your car keys that have been clipped to YOUR OWN belt loop for the past 20 minutes.

12.) While on the phone, one of the children is saying, "mom...mom...mama...mommy...mom...mama". Their important question is...
A. How tall are you?
B. Can turtles jump?
C. Is Ohio a country?
D. Can you flush a barbie doll?

(insert me banging my head against the nearest wall after that last one.)

13.) You still have 45 minutes till the husband gets home. 3 children are fighting, 3 are crying, and 2 have the tv volume turned up to 84. You...
A. Consider scheduling a tubal.
B. Consider scheduling a vasectomy.
C. Eat another donut.
D. Call your mom and apologize for anything you ever did as a child.
*Bonus option!*
E. All of the above.

14.) While changing clothes, with all the kids in your room of course, you hear...
A. Total silence. Just stares, wide eyes and looks of confusion and wonder on their face. You might get an occasional self esteem boosting, "you're really big" or "what is that???". (please note that the test administrator decided there was only one answer for this question)

(Its shocking that mothers get out of bed in the morning sometimes, isn't it?)

15.) You're life is...
A. Busy, but so blessed.
B. Completely exhausting, but fulfilling.
C. Chaotic, but packed full of sweetness.
D. All of the above.

Sigh, what would I do with all my extra time if I didn't have to answer these pressing questions all day long :)?

Your life is filled with these same questions, right?

When The Hard Stuff Becomes The Good Stuff

We're 8 weeks old today. How can that be?

It's been a crazy ride so far. It's almost funny to think back and see how things have progressed. So for my records, here's an honest look at the journey so far...

We started out this adventure in what I like to call the "newborn fog". We didn't have babies but they were still new to us. I didn't know what I was doing, C & A were smiling big, and our bio children were ooh-ing and ahh-ing over their new foster siblings. This is so fun! We can fix anything! Go God! Woohoo!

A couple weeks passed and the ooh-ing and ahh-ing was replaced by "gimme that back!" and "the new girl just hit me in the face with a Barbie!". The laughing at bedtime that I initially thought was so sweet went from cute to go-to-sleep-before-mommy-turns-into-crazy-mommy. Things from the past started to surface with the girls that concerned me a good amount, my eager spirit starts to get anxious, and I basically felt like I had a billion kids at my feet all day long.

Fast forward another couple weeks. I'm a little mad at life. Good feelings are dwindling fast. I'm full of doubt. We see that A is hurting a good amount, and all the joy has basically turned to worry. Our bio children are staring with wide eyes as we push through some stuff with the girls, I am not attaching to them the way I dreamed I would, and I am begging Eric to magically come up with a solution or a reason as to why we did this.

I missed my family. You know, the old and predictable version of us.

It wasn't that I didn't love our new additions, I do love them very much, I was just having trouble making sense of it all...and it was draining. But He is changing me. He is changing us. And slowly but surely, our family is taking on a new shape. It's still hard. But there is a new and fresh wind blowing, my friends.

Something sweet is happening. There is relief, and a new normal, and a different love for C & A. We are all adjusting in a new way, A has a lot to be addressed but is the sweetest little thing, and we are seeing that God IS IN THIS. I can feel people praying. Grace is surfacing from the hard, and light is shining through the ugly.

Pushing through the hard is bringing in the good.

I remember telling my husband after a long foster class about struggling and hurting kids, "We won't have to worry about that...we're not taking a child that age...we'll get a little one before they experience a lot of bad." I'm embarrassed of that now, because that statement came from me wanting to be comfortable, not from me wanting to step outside my sheltered bubble of "on track" children and healthy babies. 

Look at her. No seriously, look at her. Isn't she sweet :)? Even though I can't show her entire face, I want you to see those innocent eyes. Look at her and know that the things she is dealing with are not her fault, she didn't ask for it, and she didn't deserve it.

Look at her and try not to love her, try to say it's too hard, try to say you can't love and let go. It's impossible.

This child and her big sister are not what I had planned. They have stretched me out of my comfort zone, and they have rocked my comfortable little world. But oh have they changed me forever. He has used them to focus my eyes back on Him, and they have reminded me that He is the ONLY one with the answers. None of this crap makes any sense without Him.

The hard stuff has become the good stuff. It has become the stuff that is changing us and molding us. It has become the stuff that is drawing us closer to Him.

He knew I didn't need easy, He knew I needed a little storm. I needed to be reminded that in my weakness He is strong, and that I can't do or fix it all. 

Yesterday was a good day. Sure, we had our moments but who doesn't? Their story has impacted me on so many levels, I've even felt pulled lately to reach out to their bio mom. I'm excited to see what He has in store here...for them and for us.

There is hope and grace for each new day, and for now, I really couldn't ask for anything more than that :). 

He's The One...

Still.

He's the quiet one, the one who lives with all these women, the one who gushes over his little boy, the one who kills the bugs, the one who loves to work in the garage, and the one who doesn't love to be in pictures...

He's the one I don't write about enough, the one who wrestles with the kids, the one who tells me to take deep breaths, the one who reminds me of God's grace, the one who can build anything, and the one who can't get enough snuggles with our new babies...

He's the one who keeps me grounded, the one who deals with my "fly by the seat of my pants" personality, the one who has worked through the hard stuff with me, the one who has taught me to trust, and the one who acts crazy with the kids so I can just do dishes inside by myself :) ...

He's the one that sat next to me through 4 deliveries, the one who held all the babies first, the one who is most reserved, the one who thinks things through, and the one who tells me not to worry.

He's the one who said "lets love as many kids as we can, for as long as we can" when we started our foster care process, the one who tells me to love them fearlessly, the one who tells me to take it a day at a time, and the one who reminds me that God is always in control.

He's the one I married 10 years ago today.

He's the one.

Happy 10th anniversary to the guy who takes such good care of me :). Here's to many more!

We Built A City

Sort of.

More of a country road. 

But anyway. I had to share in case anyone else needs a way to keep the kids busy for an hour so you can get some laundry done. Or so you can catch up on your tv recordings. Either one.

I made a road with white tape, and then we set up dollhouses along the side. So the girls each lived in their own homes and had "parties" at each others houses for fun.

The school bus even comes by and picks up the children :)...

I don't know why we haven't done this before because it was a total hit. And I can use all the activities I can get around here. Because if I let them get too bored, I am on the edge by 5pm, my friends. THE EDGE.

Going to try to keep some sanity around here by doing some more fun things like this. Anything is better than playdoh, yes?

For real, try it, you'll be glad you did!

Happy Monday, friends!

Love Wins

Can I just say real quick that I promise warm and fuzzy posts are coming soon? Maybe about Target, or Chickfila, or how I've started freezer cooking...I know, I'm growing up so fast.

But right now I want to write this down so I can remind myself tonight, and tomorrow, and next week, and next month. Love wins.

I mentioned on Facebook that we've been having a really hard time with A, which has been consuming a lot of my time. It's something that I've never experienced, and it is something that should never plague a 3yr old. It's also something that has made me feel like handing my phone number out to anyone and everyone who has ever taken in a hurting child so they can help me be a good mom to her. Even people on the internet. Any takers :)??? As a little 3yr old, her age is already working against her. Because you can tell her everything is ok, but she knows and remembers that things aren't always ok, even when people tell you they are.

And she's scared. Of basically everything.

They have lived their entire lives knowing that love doesn't always stay. It shows up, it breaks down, and it goes away. That's the ugly truth.

As we see the anxiety rise, and I don't feel like I am completely maxed out from the meltdowns, I try to rock this baby and tell her that we are here and that she is loved. I see her fear and can't help but feel that we are dealing with one specific thing: darkness vs. light.

I'm sorry if that sounds "out there". But the more I deal with this little girl, the more I see that we are in the middle of a battle. For so long the enemy was able to have a grip on their lives, and for so long they lived in a dark spot. As a friend reminded me, "the enemy is prowling around those girls because he no longer has full access to them. But victory is won, so claim the victory!" Don't ya just love friends who boldly speak the truth in your life?? So as a result, I have never felt the urgency to constantly pray over a child like I do A - as she struggles we continue to ask Jesus for healing and peace. And the more we pray, the more we see His love pouring out over this whole situation.

Love wins.

Now honestly, I've had some ugly moments. I'm not proud of some of the thoughts in my head, or the things that have come out of my mouth sometimes when Eric and I stand in the living room at 2am with her as she cries. I'm not proud of how easily I could give up sometimes. Pushing through and having to CHOOSE to love through the ugly is one of the hardest things I think I've ever had to do.

But I am being constantly reminded that love heals.

I won't go into boring details, and by "boring details" I mean "make-you-completely-crazy-and-angry-at-the-system details", but there is a very distant family member asking for a home study so they can take the girls. Does that make me super comfortable? Nope. Do I think it's best? Not at the moment. But is it what we signed up for? Apparently. That is all probably months away though, and who knows if or when it will come to pass. I know He is already there waiting to help us face whatever comes, and show us what is best for us and for them.

We let C start into Awana with our other girls a couple weeks ago. She has never really been in church until she came here, and she really didn't have an understanding of much at all. But the other morning she was eating breakfast and said, "Guess what, mom!? God so loved the world! He really did!". Made me smile, she was so excited that she memorized just a tiny part. Makes this all so worth it.

If they have to leave at some point, at least they will take a little bit of Jesus with them :).

I feel them becoming part of us, but the more I talk to the caseworker, the more I see the possibility of them staying slipping further and further away. Which again, is part of fostering. So we'll just take all of this new stuff one day at a time, ask Jesus to bring light into the dark, ask for anyone and everyone to pray for our sweet A, and somehow still laugh together at this crazy season after bedtime.

Fostering has already been one of the most refining times in my life. Having the opportunity to love them and help them heal is without a doubt grace in my own life, even when it's HARD.

We love them. He loves them more. And His love wins, no matter what happens.

Plan A

"I didn't do anything awful. I know it seems like I'm horrible but I'm really not."

I looked at her in the parking lot of childrens services and tried to think of a good response for C & A's biological mother. I really don't think shes awful, I just think she makes awful choices. We landed there to see her unexpectedly a week ago, she's been completely absent so when we got the call that she surfaced for a visit I was surprised.

"I know...I know...it's ok...really, everything is going to be ok." It's all I could get out even though I was trying to form something more profound, and even though there has been several times over the past month that I've wanted to grab this chick by the shoulders and shake her.

It was finally real, she was finally in front of me, and it finally sank in that they are not mine...right now they are hers. (His really, but you know what I mean.)

All the valid points and accusations I had tucked in my greater than thou pocket disappeared.

For some reason in that moment all the frustration faded and all I felt was sadness. Sadness when she turned around to barely kiss them and C started crying. Sadness when I watched a broken woman walk away without a care. And sadness when I had to pull the car over and get in the back and hold a 5yr old as she grieved over what felt like another abandonment after months of not seeing her.

I am a attached mother. I love the kids in my home with all my being and I would do anything to protect them. That includes the ones I birthed and the ones I didn't.

Back in the day I said we were in this journey to foster and hopefully at some point be blessed to keep one (or two). But it turns out that I don't think I know how to foster without getting attached. Without loving them like my own. Without thinking of the possible future and them being taken from the first family they've ever really known.

I don't know how to put my mothering heart in neutral and just take it a day at a time.

It's funny to me how in the beginning I was buying baby blankets, washing Lincoln's carseat, and preparing to bond with a little one. I really envisioned us taking in a baby. I said we wanted what He wanted, but in my mind I was already planning our future. I wanted the transition to be smooth, I wanted that bonding to be natural, and I wanted our bio girls to ooh and ahh over a tiny little love just like they did with their brother. But instead, we got a rocky case with 2 little loves that need a family.

I am beyond thankful for how He pursues us with His perfect plan. For how He kept whispering that day that we needed to say yes to these little girls.

Will they only stay for months? Will they stay for good? I don't know. But you know what? Worrying about all of it is exhausting. We may very well love and have to let go. That's all part of it and He is teaching me to let go of my controlling ways. I have to trust Him. 

We are on Plan A, even though at times it has felt like an alternate route. I keep reminding myself that there is no Plan B with the Lord, just one perfect plan. There is no back-up plan waiting in case His doesn't come through just right. His sovereign Plan A is already perfect, even when its a surprise :).

I often feel like we are in the middle of a crazy and unstable season. But what we're really in the middle of is a broken situation, with a broken family, and broken lives, in a broken world. We all need Jesus so badly.

I can't tell you that I am completely sympathetic with the woman who birthed C & A, or that the idea of them going back to family doesn't make my stomach hurt a little. But what I can tell you is that I see something in this whole situation that reminds me of what we ALL need in our own lives...grace, love, and redemption.

So today we are trying to love big, leave the details to Him, and know that He will prepare our hearts for whatever is on His agenda. Today, we are still on Plan A.

30 Seconds

The play area after I have spent all afternoon organizing...

the play area approximately 30 seconds after the children descend upon it...

Why are there noodles and kick boards out? And where did they even come from? And you know that we will NEVER find all the memory cards now...or the box for that matter.

Seriously, I'm starting to think one of you are dropping toys in the windows when I'm not looking :).

I tell ya, when it comes to unraveling a room, my little loves have mad skills.

Sigh, cleaning is overrated anyway, right?? Good thing it's Friday! Happy weekend, all!

Back In The Saddle

We are getting back in to the swing of things after a long winter break.

And by long I mean crazy. And unexpected. And surreal. And INSANE.

But we are all still here and everyone seems to still be ok, so that means something is going right...right? Just say I'm right, ok? Lie to me if you have to, sister.

I am adjusting to our new (not) normal. I've been thinking of new ways to keep up with the laundry and housework and such with 8 kids. Because even though we only added 2 more, it feels like we went from 6 to 12. I don't know why, but it does. Eric surprised me last week with these bad boys...

I don't think I've ever been more attracted to him. 

It's like he gave me my very own laundromat! These were my late Christmas, early anniversary, birthday, and "any other event that calls for a present" gift. Instead of updating our rings or going on a 10yr anniversary trip next month, we got a church van and a washer & dryer.

We're so romantic. 

I had an unexpected meeting with the girls biological mom on Friday that rocked me a little. And as much as I want to share about it all, I'm just not ready. It's messy, and annoying, and sad, and good, and SO many other emotions that I can't seem to make any sense of. I'm confused but also clear on the fact that He is working here.

Now, He may be working the most on me and my lack of faith and one of a kind control issues, but can we save that for another post? Yes? Great.

In the meantime, look at a cute picture of my girls... 

Sigh, I love them.

We've embraced the snow and loved every second of it. Well, except for the fact that they only have to pee after I get ALL the snow clothes on. By the time I get all the clothes on I am basically sweating - so taking them back off goes down in my book as a full blown workout.

Anyway. Does this all sound like rambling yet? Well, 8 kids make you ramble. For reals.

I'm off for now. Going to lay out some food for the crockpot tomorrow. I am making and freezing some of our favorite Cream Cheese Chicken Chili. The kids love it and I love having some frozen meals for busy nights (which is basically every night right now). You should try it, I promise you'll love it!

Hope you're having a great week, friends!

Here's To Him

Here's to a new year with new mercies, and grace, and redemption.

Here is to understanding His plan, and accepting it when we don't.

Here is to loving these 2 fearlessly without worrying about the future...

Yea, if only not worrying was that easy. Loving them is (usually) easy, my friends. Dealing with their past and an unknown future is the hard part.

I have sat down a few times to tell you about life here, only to stare at the screen begging the words to type themselves. Because truthfully, I'm having trouble even sorting through it myself. The short answer is this: It's a day to day thing. They are dealing with a ton and it's been hard on everyone. We placed 2 girls in the middle of our brood with a lot of issues to deal with and that is never going to be easy. I have to remind myself that they didn't ask for this and that we need to shove past the hard moments and love them with all we have. They deserve a relentless love that never leaves, and that's why we are holding on tight.

As much as I want to paint this beautiful picture for you, I can't. Because when you come here you are going to get real life, and at the moment, it's not always pretty. We are (of course) in a unique foster situation. Our court date that would bring some kind of judgement isn't till October. As in, almost a year from now. A YEAR. A year of breaking down walls, and making this their home, and bringing beauty out of the darkness. A year of healing that could lead to a court date of pain.

Everyone deals with things differently, and maybe you'd have tougher skin, but right now I don't. Right now I feel like I'm carrying a weight on my shoulders that weighs a million pounds.

I know that today they are not ours completely. And I know that they can leave as quickly as they came. But the fear of pushing through the road ahead only to have them taken next October nearly takes my breath away. Seriously.

And I know, you don't have to tell me, this is what foster care looks like. But that fact doesn't make it easy.

There are giggles and smiles and hugs. And there are hard behaviors and attachment issues and problems that are way bigger than my mothering skills.

But He is here. And they are worth it.

In some moments, the only joy you have is knowing that you are exactly where He wants you. And we are, exactly where He's been leading us this past year. So there is joy.

They are absolutely beautiful, friends. They are the pick-up-and-squeeze-them-tight kind of cute.

I wish I could show you all the pictures I've taken. I wish I could sit and spill all the details as I cry with you over coffee. I wish these girls could have had a sheltered upbringing like mine. I wish their eyes could have been shielded and I wish I could remove every memory that is haunting them.

But I can't. That is His job, He will bring healing here. He is the only one that can restore what was broken. I'm just the middle man.

This is where we are. We are all still adjusting to our new bundles of joy. We still have one foot in the honeymoon stage and we are still learning about our new normal. If you can call it normal :). We are thankful that out of hundreds of homes in our county, He chose us for these specific gifts.

So Here's to Him. To wholly focusing on Him and His plans for this life that we live inside these 4 walls.

Grace, grace, grace. It's all grace.

From Us

This is the closest thing I got to a Christmas card this year. It's a little blurry, it's a little busy, and it's a little late. But it's us :)...

So much grace right there.

It hasn't been all feel-good moments and smiles lately, my friends. But it's been great because of how He is working inside these 4 walls. We are learning to love the good stuff AND the hard stuff :).

So from our little family to yours, hope you had an amazing Christmas full of friends, family, and celebrating Jesus!

Hugs and love to you all!

More Than I Can Handle

Last Wednesday as I was fixing lunch for the kiddos, I got a phone call that has permantly changed us. I sat and stared out the patio window as our worker described a placement that she "for some reason felt like she needed to ask us about". Even though it wasn't really what we were waiting for, and even though it was a lot to take in, she said something was "telling her to call us".

It was Him.

Eric and I chatted and prayed and talked of how we weren't sure that this was something we were prepared for. It would be a lot, 8 kids seemed kind of crazy right off the bat, and when on earth would we shower? We thought about all the hard stuff, and we came up with one conclusion: we had no good reason to say no.

The 1st night was mostly what we thought. They came running in and absolutely loved being in a home with lot's of kids. They laughed, and cried a bit at bedtime, and eventually talked of things that should never be on the lips of a 3 or 5yr old. 

I tried to be a trooper, but then all the sudden I was like: Wait. This isn't going to be even a tad easy, is it? I'm not going to be picking up a baby that I can carry in a wrap and bond with immediately like I had planned in my mind, am I? I have to build trust and relationships with these girls who are hurt and confused, don't I? Ok, good feelings are gone.

The first 48 hours was a blur, and by the end of the 3rd night I found myself in the kitchen at 9pm having a meltdown which included the full on ugly cry. Your motherly instinct to love them immediately kicks in when they wrap their sweet arms around your neck, but the underlying stress of the unknowns weighs SO much, it makes your heart ache. I started asking myself, "How can I do this?" and  "How can I love them fearlessly when I have no guarantee of keeping them?"

But this is the thing.

He gives us more than we can handle, and more than we can understand.

I know that goes against the saying "He gives us only what we can handle", but I've never really believed it. Scripture doesn't tell us that. I have learned that He reveals Himself the most when you are trying to carry something that is too big...too intense...too deep. I really believe He gives us things we can't handle so we constantly realize our need for Him.

This season? This tough situation? This love that I feel for them? The underlying fear I have now about losing them? I can't handle it on my own.

I can't. I will face the court dates and all the meetings. I will advocate for my girls and I will stand up for what I know is right. But I need Him to put us on His shoulders and carry us, or we'll never make it through the valleys.

It's only been a week. And all of the sudden, after a wild intro to the system, there is a love surfacing here that only God can give. There are walls breaking down and there are hugs. There are 2 girls that are surely making their way right into our hearts. There are 8 sweet little loves playing duck-duck-goose that reminds me that this whole situation is bigger than we are. And there are many reminders of what called us here in the first place.

6 months ago I said we were ready for anything. But honestly, we could have never been prepared for the journey that He had waiting for us. They say that the girls are here to stay for a good while, that we have a long road ahead (I pray the staying part is true). From my eyes, I feel that there is a 50/50 chance of things going either way. Of course, He already knows what restoration looks like for this situation.

I just pray that He prepares us for what that is.

He sometimes leads us into something that we never expected, but He stays while we find our way. Its been beautiful a midst the uncertainty. He is here in each moment and every detail. And that is what makes me KNOW that we can do this. With Him, I think we'll be ok.

We just love them. It's been a tough transition and it is definitely a tad crazy still. But the beauty that lays right beneath the surface of it all is what makes it totally worth it. They are the best gift we could've received this Christmas, and we are so excited to spend the holiday celebrating Jesus with all 8 of our little loves :).

We Have Grown

Just wanted to pop in here (for those who didn't see on Facebook), and share that we got a placement last night.

Not going to lie, it is not what we had planned, but it was made clear many different ways that this is what He wants for us. So last night at about 6pm, after a long day of praying and talking, we took in 2 little girls. They are 3 & 5.

We woke up with 6 kids and went to sleep with 8. It was a busy day.

I'm still swimming in a sea of change and the things that transpired yesterday. My mind feels scattered and I can not stop tearing up for some reason. It has been a lot to take in and there is going to be a lot more to process as we transition them into our family, for as long as He'll let us keep them.

But for right now, they are home.

We need your prayers if you feel led to do so. I will be back soon with more details and the best picture I can give you without revealing them completely. We aren't allowed to show their whole face for now, just in case you were wondering :).

They are sweet, they are mourning the past, they are getting lots of love, but like I said above, they are home.

Chaos Is My Calling

It really is.

It's been a day. Not awful, but not perfect. I yelled some and laughed some and even thought of crying at one point. You know, the typical emotions of a mother. The holidays are here and the girls have been asking to do some holiday baking. So instead of going to the store alone at night like a rational human being, I decided to take my crew shopping for the items we needed. And when I say shopping, I mean throwing things into the cart at random and just hoping that we have everything when we get home.

I know, planning and organizing shopping trips, I'm GREAT at it.

I rarely take them all to the store anymore by myself, but I suppose I was feeling adventurous today. In this sweet season with lots of little's, my #1 goal in any store is to just survive. I’ve got 2 hanging on the end of the cart, 1 whining, 1 strapped to me in a carrier asleep, and today I actually had 2 that were reenacting a sword fight from a game on the Wii. I can’t make this stuff up. I’m checking my list, and I’m begging them to behave for just a "few more minutes". 

After all, we are in public.

I start to see that my shopping partners have had enough, and I know it’s time to make an exit. I’m asking God for patience, or a magic button to press that will send grandma to the rescue. You’ve been there right??

I announce that we are leaving, and to my surprise, they are equally as upset about leaving as they are about being there in the first place. Strange, aren’t they?

I quickly unloaded our items and prayed to the sweet Lord that we would have the fastest check out lady EVER created. I paid and loaded my bags back in the cart, apologized to the cashier for the chaos that is my life, and started to usher the kids towards the door.

On our way out we passed a mirror, a two way mirror. You know the ones that look like a mirror, but it’s actually a window for the office on the other side? Well the girls had to stop and check it out – they get such a kick out of making funny faces. I tried to explain, “girls, there are people on the other side who can see you acting silly. They are watching you giggle and make those faces.”

But they didn’t care. They’re never afraid of what other people think. A trait that I admire, and need.

As I stood there and watched them laugh, I felt so blessed. The innocence of a child is so refreshing. All of the sudden I felt bad for apologizing for my kids. After all, they were just being kids. Heck, who doesn't want to have a sword fight in the freezer section? At that moment I couldn’t even remember what was frustrating about our shopping trip, or who was fighting over what, or what display was now face down in aisle 9. All I could think was, “I love these little's, and I am so thankful that the Lord picked me to be their mama. I’ll take the chaos over anything, any day.”

You can try to usher an orderly group of kids through the grocery and apologize for them all you want, but I'm beginning to see that there are not a lot of ways to control this much of grace, this many blessings, this amount of gifts. The joy in their sweet spirits is on constant overflow.

I just love that about them. I should have that unshakable joy.

The kids, sometimes I think they're helping Him raise me as I try to raise them.

It’s easy for us mom’s to get stressed out when things get a little crazy. But you know what I keep reminding myself? God made me their mother, I’m doing the best I can, and He will equip me with as much patience & love as I need for all the little loves in my home. That is more than I could ever ask for, actually.

So here’s hoping that we all can find love, patience, and joy in Him today. At a time when utensils are flying across the table, and you have applesauce in your hair – not that that ever happens to me.

Ahem.

Being a mom isn't the least chaotic life, but it is the best life :).